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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28721322">The Hand That Rocks The Cradle</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katlady2000/pseuds/Katlady2000'>Katlady2000</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Voyager</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 11:14:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>43,827</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28721322</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katlady2000/pseuds/Katlady2000</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes those closest to us are the ones who come between us and our happiness.</p><p>They’re home and Kathryn must fight a personal battle between duty and a life on her own terms.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>61</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Phoebe Janeway stood inside the French doors and studied her sister as she sat on the porch, an open book on her lap.  She knew not a word had been read.</p><p>Kathryn stared off into the distance, her thoughts her own.  Phoebe knew that distance was likely 70,000 light years.  Her heart ached for her sibling at the place she now found herself.  She knew she was more lost back on Earth than she had been in the Delta Quadrant.</p><p>The previous day, her husband Tim and their kids had come to visit and Kathryn had seemed her old self in front of them, delighted to meet her brother-in-law and especially her niece and nephew but Phoebe hadn’t been fooled and had seen the well-hidden melancholy her sister had fought to conceal.  They’d now left, gone to visit Tim’s parents.  Phoebe herself was staying on, not wanting to leave her sister to face these first days at home without support.</p><p>She turned now as her mother came up beside her.  Gretchen Janeway looked out to see what had drawn her younger daughter’s attention.  “She needs to get back to work.”  She turned away and tapped at a padd.  “I have her hair and makeup organized.  They’re on standby.”  She jabbed a finger at Phoebe.  “Make sure she eats some lunch.  The dress I ordered won’t fit her if she loses any more weight.”</p><p>Phoebe held back a groan as she looked at her mother.  “Mom, there’s no date set yet for the ball.  Shouldn’t you wait and let Katie decide for herself?”</p><p>Gretchen scoffed at that.  “Nonsense.  She’s used to being in uniform.  Besides, after seven years away, what would she know about current designers or styles?  I’ll take care of it.”  She wandered off.  “Shoes.  Bag.  Jewellery.  Perfume.  What else?”</p><p>Phoebe drew in a deep breath and closed her eyes a moment.  She knew there was no point in arguing.  Their mother was never going to change.  She looked around the room, perfectly decorated for a Starfleet family.  Any holoimages of family were all studio shots but most images were Starfleet related, taken at some official occasion with top brass in attendance.  Nothing indicated that children or grandchildren had ever lived in or visited this house.  No childish, lovingly decorated ornaments or gifts were evident.  They would never have been accepted or suitable.</p><p>Phoebe heard their mother call to her.  “I have calls to take care of.  Make sure she eats.”  She rolled her eyes and pushed herself away from the edge of the doors.  “Yes, Mom.”  She made her way to the kitchen and began to prepare lunch for her sister.  As she worked, she let her mind wander back over the past weeks.</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Voyager had burst through back into the Alpha Quadrant catching everyone by surprise.  Phoebe had been visiting Gretchen, as ordered, to help with some gardening when the call had come.  She’d burst into tears of happiness at the news but Gretchen Janeway had remained dry eyed.  Instead, she’d gone into a frenzy of note taking and preparations for the homecoming.  She’d made call after call to try and get as much information as possible about time and place and had then contacted her friends.  Phoebe had stood by as ‘the coven’, as she called her mother’s friends, had oohed and aahed and showered attention on the mother of the returning heroine.  She’d watched as the old woman had basked in it all.  It was obvious that Kathryn had just been relegated to second place in the Janeway scheme of things before she’d even set foot back on Earth.</p><p>On the day of the official homecoming, Gretchen had arrived dressed in her finery, making sure her younger daughter was also suitably attired.  She’d been afforded the ‘best seat in the house’ as the mother of the captain.  The press knew her well and had been snapping away image after image.  Phoebe had been nudged several times to stop fidgeting and control her emotions.</p><p>Finally, Voyager had landed, large screens having been erected so all present could witness every moment.  After some obviously well-rehearsed maneuvering, a wide ramp had been put in place and the crew faced Earth.  The lower decks crew had exited first but instead of stepping down onto the planet, they’d lined the ramp.  They’d apparently had their own idea of how this homecoming was to take place.  The senior staff had followed them.  Harry Kim, the Doctor, then B’Elanna and Tom Paris.  B’Elanna held their daughter, Tom’s arm protectively around her shoulder.  Gretchen had whispered to Phoebe.  “Talk about sleeping with the enemy.”</p><p>Next had come Tuvok, followed by Chakotay and Seven.  They’d then taken their place at the top of the ramp.</p><p>Finally, Kathryn Janeway stepped out onto the ramp.  The cheering had been loud enough before but now it reached almost deafening levels.  Phoebe had jumped up out of her seat, only to be pulled back in place with a stern “Sit” from her mother.  It had been on the tip of her tongue to hiss “I’m not a bloody dog” but she’d held the words back.</p><p>Voyager’s captain had looked happy but tired.  Phoebe had watched her face as closely as she could from the distance and on the screens and had realized that what appeared to be happiness was actually more akin to relief.  She’d known in her gut that something wasn’t right with her sister, that the seven years away had hit her hard.  She’d noticed how Chakotay had stood with the Borg woman and instinctively knew they were together.  She’d also just strongly sensed that this was part of the pain that only she could see on her sister’s face.  Gretchen had also seen the couple that was Chakotay and Seven.  She’d once again whispered to her daughter.  “That Maquis terrorist seems to be with that Borg.  Thank God for that.  I was worried.”</p><p>Kathryn had then seemed to pull her mask in place and moved down the ramp, making sure her senior staff walked with her.  As they’d descended, the rest of the crew had fallen into place behind them.</p><p>After that it had been a blur of top brass meeting and greeting, welcoming the lost crew home.  Reporters had swarmed all over them, young ensigns doing their best to hold them back.  Finally, the families had been allowed down, those of the captain and senior staff first.  The rest of the crew had been led off to a large covered area to meet up with their loved ones.</p><p>Gretchen’s performance had been award winning and flawless as she had gushed over her returning daughter, smiling and posing, each kiss and hug measured, appearing almost rehearsed.  Phoebe believed it probably had been.  Eventually, she’d managed to get to her sister and no words had been needed as they’d hugged each other fiercely.  She’d looked over her sister’s shoulder and met the eyes of Chakotay.  He’d smiled warmly and nodded, his happiness that his captain was back with her family clearly evident on his face.  Phoebe had smiled back at him, something about this man touching her.</p><p>The initial reunion with the families hadn’t lasted too long.  There had been a few speeches by top admirals and the Vice President of the Federation, carrying the apologies of the President himself for not being there personally, along with the joke that it would have helped had they called ahead first and given them some advance warning.</p><p>Before departing, Kathryn had asked for a brief time together with her crew, something Gretchen Janeway had tried to discourage but her returning daughter had insisted, telling them she needed to make sure that everyone was sorted with family, accommodation and any other needs they had.  Gretchen had hissed at her daughter.  “You’re home now.  Surely you’ve had enough of these people.” With so many top brass and reporters swimming around, Gretchen could do nothing about it or argue her point.  Phoebe had sensed her mother’s deep annoyance and had felt a nervous flutter in her heart, knowing that this was the start of Kathryn being back to her old life under their mother’s heavy hand.</p><p>What had followed had been a brief overnight at home.  When they’d transported to the farmhouse, Phoebe had been disgusted to find that they weren’t going to be allowed any time together.  A house already filled with extended family and ‘the coven’ awaited them.  Phoebe had been livid, knowing this had all been arranged behind her back, leaving her unable to warn or prepare her sister.</p><p>Kathryn had brushed off her sister’s whispered apology and had handled it all diplomatically and politely.  She’d managed two hours before citing deep tiredness and needing to report to HQ the following morning.  She’d wanted to spend time with her younger sister but Phoebe had easily seen how tired and overwhelmed she’d been and had pushed her to sleep, telling her they’d have plenty of time after debriefings were over, time when they could recreate their childhood chats and sleepovers.  In the end, she’d only gotten four hours of sleep before having to leave for Headquarters, denying the sisters any time alone.</p><p>That day had been the start of long debriefings where the crew had once again been cut off from their families, with the exception of Tuvok, who’d been exempted, pending the completion of the treatment he’d required.  Lower decks crew had been debriefed for between one week and two.  Department heads and senior staff had had three and four weeks respectively.  Kathryn had endured six weeks of grilling, fighting fiercely for her people, especially the former Maquis and Equinox crew.  By the end of it all, no decisions were forthcoming but the woman who’d finally been allowed home was not the one who’d landed her ship and met her sister six weeks previously.</p><p>And yet Phoebe believed those weeks had probably been easier on Voyager’s captain because at least then her mind had been occupied.  Once home, there had been no distractions and she’d seen her sister slip into this state of nothingness.  After seven long years of almost constant activity, there was nothing to divert her thoughts and stop them wandering into a vastness of questions, second guessing of past decisions and regrets.  She knew their mother had seen it too but was simply ignoring it.</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Phoebe picked up the tray she’d prepared for her sister.  She looked down at the food and knew it would go mostly uneaten.  The coffee would be drunk but that would be it.  As she crossed the room, she looked towards the door to their father’s study as she heard their mother laughing at something and then silence.  The door opened and Gretchen strode out.  “Are you only bringing that to her now?  What were you doing?  Daydreaming again?”  She took the tray and put it down on the kitchen table then inspected the food, nodding to herself.  “It’ll do.”  She crossed over to the far windowed doors which looked out onto the wrap around porch.  “Where the hell is she?”</p><p>Phoebe frowned and joined her mother, looking out onto the porch.  “I don’t know.  She was there.  Her book is on the chair.  Maybe she’s just gone upstairs.”  She craned her neck to see further down the porch and blew out a sigh of relief.  She opened one of the doors and stepped out.  “Katie?”</p><p>Kathryn was standing at the corner of the porch as it turned around the house, one arm hugging a pillar.  She was just staring up at the sky.  Phoebe moved towards her.  “Katie?  I have your lunch ready.  Come on.  Come in and eat something please.”</p><p>It took a few moments before Kathryn seemed to hear her sister.  She turned slowly and looked at her.  A profound look of sadness wasn’t hidden fast enough before a faint smile replaced it.  “Sorry, Phoebes.  I was miles away.”</p><p>Phoebe walked up to her and slipped an arm around her shoulders.  “Come in and have some lunch.”  She saw the objection being formed and cut it off.  “Please.  For me.  I’m already in trouble for taking so long with it.”</p><p>The sisters shared a look of understanding and then Kathryn nodded.  “OK.  You owe me though.”</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Kathryn managed to eat about half her lunch under the scrutiny of her mother.  “Take what you can get, Mom.  That’s the best I can do.”</p><p>Gretchen sighed heavily.  “You need to learn to take better care of yourself, my girl.”</p><p>Kathryn dropped her head and sighed.  “Chakotay was always telling me that.”</p><p>Phoebe’s eyes shot to her mother’s face and saw what she expected.  Gretchen was not happy.  “Oh, I’m sure he did his job to impress you.  Well, he’s gone now so you don’t have to worry about all that anymore.”</p><p>Kathryn looked up, blinking back her tears.  “Don’t, Mom.  You don’t know him.”</p><p>Gretchen walked over to the table and snatched up the plate of half-eaten food.  “Oh, I know him well enough and I don’t even have to have met him.  You need to stop thinking about him and the rest of them.  You need to concentrate on your future.  You have the ball coming up and then you’ll likely be promoted.”</p><p>Kathryn dropped her head and traced lines with a fingertip on the table top.  She stopped when she realized it was Chakotay’s tattoo.  “I’m not interested in the ball.”</p><p>Putting the plate down beside the sink, Gretchen looked back at her daughter.  “Nonsense.  It’ll be a great night.  All the best people will be there.  I have your dress already and someone booked for your hair and makeup.  And my friend, Janice…  Her son is dying to meet you.  He’ll be a perfect escort.”</p><p>Kathryn’s head shot up and she stared disbelievingly at her mother.  “You have an ‘escort’ lined up for me?”</p><p>Her mother grabbed a cloth and wiped down the table.  “He’s your date.  Besides, who else would you bring?”  She caught the look of sadness on Kathryn’s face.  “I think HE’S already spoken for, don’t you?”</p><p>Kathryn stood up to leave the table but Gretchen grabbed her arm.  “Those people are behind you now.  You’ll have to see them at the ball but you can mostly be with your own.</p><p>Kathryn glared at her mother.  “I can tell you that ‘those people’ ARE my own.  They’re family.”</p><p>Letting go of her daughter and folding her arms, Gretchen laughed sarcastically at that.  “Nonsense.  You gave up seven years for them and got them home.  What more do they want?  Just make a speech or something flattering them.  That should keep them happy.  Stroke their little egos then let them go on their way.  They’ll only drag you down to their level.  They’ve served their purpose.  Let them finish serving that purpose at the ball then move on and leave them behind you where they belong.  They’ll party and then get on with their little lives.”</p><p>Kathryn moved away from the table.  “You understand nothing of what we had or what we shared out there.”</p><p>Her mother moved back from the table.  “Well, it’s over now so put it behind you.  The sooner you get back to work, the better.  All this moping around…”</p><p>Phoebe stepped in.  “Mom, she needs time to…”</p><p>One glare stopped her.  “Nonsense.  She’s a Starfleet Officer.  She’s made of stern stuff.  Crews some and go.  They’re just worker bees.  The sooner she puts all that behind her, the better.  She doesn’t need them now.”</p><p>Kathryn fought to control her rising anger.  “They’re all good and loyal people.”</p><p>Gretchen harrumphed.  “Oh, I’ll give you they’re Starfleet but they’re still lower ranks.  As for those Maquis scum and that disgraceful Equinox lot...”</p><p>Kathryn spun around to face her mother.  “You know nothing of them.  They were…  Chakotay was…is…”</p><p>Gretchen leaned into her space.  “He’s a terrorist.  A murderer.  Stop talking about him.”  She sneered.  “So what if he’s good looking.  If you’d just wanted a bit of rough, you could have gotten someone else, preferably one of your own kind.  You could even have used the holodecks.  He’s beneath you.”</p><p>Kathryn stared hard at her mother and fought the urge to hit her.  Instead, she drew in a deep shaky breath and sighed heavily.  “Thank you, Mother.  Your words have cleared my thinking.”  With that she walked away and up the stairs</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Kathryn sat on the edge of her childhood bed and fought to control her emotions.  She blinked back tears as she replayed the confrontation with her mother.  She felt like a child again, the years rolling away.  She drew in a shuddering breath.  She’d come very close to hitting the old woman but knew deep down that she wouldn’t have raised her hand to her mother.  The hiatus of seven years had dulled her memories of just what sort of person had given birth to her and raised her.  Images of previous times cascaded into her mind like someone having upset a jigsaw puzzle.  Part of her, a very raw part, knew now that if she stayed in the life her mother expected and demanded of her, she’d never have any kind of freedom or happiness for herself.  The rest of her life would be planned out by Gretchen Janeway and she’d have no say in it.  She thought back to telling her mother that she’d cleared her thinking.  She knew now that it was clearing and that the seeds of half-formed ideas and thoughts were only now pushing their way up, fertilized and watered by her mother’s words.</p><p>Needing to get her thoughts in order, she went into her bathroom and washed her face then ran a brush through her hair.  She barely looked in the mirror, not wanting to see what reflected back at her.  She needed fresh air and a walk.  She stopped a moment as she went to open her bedroom door, her hand suspended in midair as an idea formed and she made a decision.  Heading downstairs, she stopped halfway and listened to the voices from the kitchen.</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Phoebe watched her mother as she tidied up and ignored the silence from her younger daughter.  Finally, Gretchen turned and looked at her leaning against the door frame.  She merely shrugged as she stared at Phoebe.  “Don’t look at me like that.  It needed saying.”</p><p>Phoebe shook her head.  “You’re a snob. Mom.  I hope you don’t regret your words.”</p><p>Picking up the plate, Gretchen scraped the leftover food into the compost unit.  “She needs to push for her promotion and get back to her career.  Then she needs to get a husband and produce a kid or two.”  She frowned slightly as she thought.  “Janice’s son is good husband material.  Well placed in Starfleet too.”</p><p>Phoebe rolled her eyes.  “I can’t believe you.”</p><p>Gretchen scoffed at that.  “She’s not going to be a Tom Paris.”  She lowered her voice slightly.  “Poor Owen.  Can you imagine?  His son comes back having redeemed himself as a pilot only to ruin it by marrying that Maquis Klingon…and then has a kid with her?  At least Owen has other grandchildren.”</p><p>Phoebe’s eyes widened at her mother’s comments.  “I don’t believe you just said that.”</p><p>Not wanting to be in the same room as this woman, she turned just in time to see Kathryn coming back down the stairs.  “Katie?”  She couldn’t tell if her sister had heard anything their mother had said.  She forced a smile onto her face.  “Are you all right?”</p><p>Kathryn just nodded at her.  “I’m just going to check my messages in case the Review Board has any further questions or needs clarification on something.  Then I’ll head out for a walk.  I’ve been neglecting my fitness levels.”</p><p>Gretchen stepped up behind them and smiled.  “That’s the spirit.”</p><p>Kathryn walked over to the study and entered the room, closing the door behind her.  Gretchen nudged Phoebe.  “See?  She just needed putting straight.”  With that, she returned to the kitchen to clear away the lunch dishes.</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Kathryn leaned back against the closed study door.  Anger boiled up within her at her mother from earlier and from what she’d just heard but it was accompanied by a deluge of pain and sadness.  With super human strength she fought the tears she felt were ready to overwhelm her.  “Hold off, Kathryn.  You can have a good cry later.”</p><p>Forcing her emotions to harden, she moved to her father’s desk and sat down in his chair.  A million memories of the man visited her but she pushed them away and drew on her resolve.  She looked towards the door, making sure it was closed, then turned on the computer comm unit.  Putting in a call to Chakotay, she steeled herself for seeing his face.</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Chakotay sat on the sofa and idly watched Seven as she moved around the living room of the accommodation Starfleet had issued to them both.  Having come from seven years of active and often hectic days to the emptiness of the hours now was very hard to take.  With debriefings over and no word on any future, they were all in a sort of limbo.</p><p>The apartment was small but had been furnished to suit basic needs.  Someone had placed a few ornaments in an attempt to make the occupant believe it could be a home.</p><p>Voyager’s Borg rearranged the few knick-knacks on a shelf, stood back and examined them then changed their order.  She’d been working her way around the room for a full ten minutes now, plumping cushions and adjusting the hang of the curtains.  Chakotay closed his eyes a moment.  Her constant need for ‘perfection’ grated on his nerves more and more.</p><p>Seven finally seemed satisfied and turned to look at him.  “We should leave for lunch.  It is 12:50.   We can be at the dining room by 13:00 if we leave now.”</p><p>Chakotay slid to the edge of the sofa.  “We don’t have to check in.  They serve food 24 hours a day.”  He suddenly felt too weary to argue.</p><p>She just ignored him and crossed the room to pick up her ID.  As she moved towards the door, assuming Chakotay would follow her, the comm unit chirped with an incoming call.</p><p>Ignoring the annoyed look on her face, Chakotay crossed to the unit and activated it.  His mood lifted when he saw the caller was Kathryn.  He felt his face break into a smile.  “Kathryn, it’s great to hear from you.  I was going to…”</p><p>Before he got another word out, Seven was at his shoulder.  “Captain, we were proceeding to the dining room for lunch.”</p><p>Chakotay glared at her then turned back to the screen.  “It’s fine, Kathryn.”  He looked at his former captain a little more closely and something stirred in him.  He frowned now.  “Are you all right?”</p><p>Kathryn looked from Seven back to him.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to intrude.  I’ll just keep you a moment.  It’s about the ball…”</p><p>Chakotay nodded.  “Have they set a date?”</p><p>Kathryn shook her head.  “Not yet.  It’s just…”  She looked to the side for a moment then back at him.  “I needed to ask you…”</p><p>Seven came back into view.  “Chakotay, we’ll be late.  This is not an appropriate time.”</p><p>Chakotay felt his annoyance turn to anger.  “Lay off, Seven, or go on alone.”  He turned back to the screen.  “I’m sorry again, Kathryn.”  His former captain looked tired and something about her demeanour bothered him.</p><p>Kathryn looked slightly nervous and glanced to the side again.  “I only have a minute.  I need to ask if you would…”  She drew in a deep breath.  “I need to ask if you would take my place at the ball...and see to the crew…look after…”  She looked behind him, as Seven once more came into view.</p><p>Seven leaned over, her hand possessively on Chakotay’s shoulder.  “The ball is irrelevant.  We have our own life now and you have yours.  The crew is home.  We are no longer on the ship.  We are no longer under your orders.”</p><p>Chakotay shoved her hand off his shoulder.  “Back off, Seven.  How dare you…”</p><p>Seven wasn’t going to be silenced and went for it, glaring at Chakotay now.  “You are not her man and never were.  She needs to mind her own life.  She has no business here.  She is the past.  Voyager is the past.”</p><p>Chakotay shouted at her now.  “I told you to back off.”</p><p>She ignored that.  “She has no place in our life.  We are not answerable to her.  We are free of her and the ship.  We are no longer part of that life or her life and she is no longer a part of ours.”</p><p>Chakotay’s anger shot up another few notches.  He glanced at the screen only to see a stricken look on Kathryn’s face before the call was cut.  He rounded on the woman before him now.  “You ungrateful, heartless, cold bitch.  How dare you speak to her like that after everything she’s done for you.”</p><p>If she was shocked at his words, she didn’t show it.  “We need to say goodbye to the past and she is the past.”</p><p>Chakotay lowered his voice but the menace in it was unmistakable.  “Let me tell you something, Seven.  Kathryn Janeway will NEVER be my past.  She will ALWAYS be a part of me.  If I never saw her again, she would still be a big part of my life.  You need to accept that.”</p><p>Seven’s expression remained emotionless.  “She didn’t want any relationship with you.  She showed no feelings for you yet you call ME cold…”</p><p>Chakotay drew in a deep breath in an effort to quell his anger.  “You ARE cold.  You have the knowledge of millions but know nothing of feelings or emotions.”  He walked away from her, needing the physical distance.  “You should have assimilated some humanity.  Kathryn has more feelings in her little fingernail than you’ll ever have.  I’d get more love from a pet cat or dog.”</p><p>She just stared at him.  “You wish copulation?”</p><p>He actually laughed at that.  “That’s it in a nutshell, Seven.  I say ‘love’ and you think ‘sex’…or even worse ‘copulation’.  You have no understanding of what a relationship is about or what friendship is.  You’ll never understand love.  You see it as a series of tasks to be completed or boxes to be ticked.  You understand nothing of spontaneity.”  He moved over to look out the window.  He watched several couples strolling past, some linking arms, others holding hands and knew that this woman would never get it.  He turned to look at her, her back straight and no trace of emotion on her face.  Suddenly it all hit him.</p><p>“Seven, whatever it is we have, it’s not a relationship.”  He ran a hand through his hair.  “A lot of this is my fault and I do apologize for that.  I should never have gone into this or let it go as far as it has.”</p><p>Seven moved towards him.  “I am more beautiful than her.  I’m young.  I’m more intelligent.”  She waved towards the screen.  “Did you see her?  She is withered and bitter and jealous…”</p><p>She got no further.  Chakotay advanced on her as his anger shot up again.  His arm shot out and he pointed to the door.  His voice was low and like steel.  “You want to know what’s the past?  You are.  Get out.  Get out now.  I never want to see you again.  You’re emotionally dead.  Kathryn is a real woman, something you’ll never be.”</p><p>Seven turned on her heel and stormed off to the bathroom where she kept a few personal items.  The rest of her possessions remained on the ship as she needed to return there to regenerate each evening.  A few minutes later she came back holding her one bag.  “You will regret this.”</p><p>He actually laughed at her.  “I have many regrets regarding you but ending this sham isn’t one of them.”</p><p>As Seven passed through the door, she looked back at him.  “You are no longer a part of my life.  You have served your purpose.”</p><p>As she turned and left, Chakotay shouted after her.  “Good.  Whatever ends this.”  He knew she’d heard him and felt nothing but relief.</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Shaking, Kathryn shut off the call and fought for control.  She fisted her hands, her nails digging painfully into her palms.  Coming out of her bedroom after the confrontation with her mother and with the old woman’s near obsession over the ball, she’d made the sudden decision to call Chakotay and ask him to take over for her on the night and look after the crew, realizing she couldn’t face the ball, her mother taking over the night and seeing her beloved crew for probably the last time.  She also couldn’t face seeing Chakotay and Seven together.  With all that, she’d made the decision not to attend.  It had felt like the first step in a half-formed plan that was beginning to take shape in her mind.  Foremost now though was her emotional pain at seeing Chakotay’s face again and then deep hurt at Seven’s reaction.</p><p>Hearing a noise outside the door, she knew she couldn’t deal with all this in the house.  She quickly deleted the call details then checked her messages for appearances.  She stood up and drew in a deep breath.  Pasting a neutral expression on her face, she left the room and headed out the front door.  “Just going for my walk.”  She didn’t wait for any acknowledgement.</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Kathryn walked with her hands in her pockets and her head down.  The only sounds were the birds singing and the crunch of her feet on the woodland floor.  She drew in a deep shuddering breath and tried to force her thoughts into some kind of order.  She’d had to call Chakotay, knowing he’d take her place and see to the crew.  She avoided thinking about what her mother’s reaction would be.  What had shocked her most though and what she couldn’t have foreseen was Seven’s reaction.  That had really knocked the ground out from beneath her.  She shook her head angrily at her tears, finally letting them fall in the privacy of the woods.  She felt a deep sense of betrayal by the former drone.  Seven’s words, she realized, didn’t shock her as much as deeply pain, hurt and disappoint.</p><p>She stopped a moment as a squirrel scampered across the path ahead of her, stopping a moment to assess whether this intruder was friend or foe.  Seeming unsure, he made for a tree and scaled the trunk in seconds.</p><p>Kathryn moved again, her hands rummaging in her pockets until she found a tissue.  She wiped at her eyes but knew it was a waste of time.  Her tears would continue until she had no more left to cry.  She looked around her, the area deserted except for the local wildlife who hid away from her, apart from the one squirrel.  The woods seemed as empty as she felt inside and she wondered why she’d fought so hard for so long to get home.  “It was for them, you fool.”  She whispered her words as if afraid to disturb the peace around her, a peace that didn’t extend to the heart of the woman walking the paths.</p><p>She looked ahead of her, the trek meandering for miles, the trees hiding her from the wider countryside and thought how it looked like a map of her own future, an empty route with no real direction, hidden from life and with no end in sight.</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Unbeknownst to Kathryn, Phoebe had been thinking along similar lines.  She’d managed to speak with her sister away from their mother a few times since she’d returned from debriefings and learned some of what the seven years in the Delta Quadrant had involved.  A lot of what had been revealed had shocked her yet she knew her sister had sugarcoated many of the details in order to spare her much of the horror of what they’d all endured.  Now though she mostly feared their mother.  She could see the damage the old woman was inflicting and knew it would take up where it had left off before Voyager had been lost.  It would probably only increase and that thought tore Phoebe apart.  She had her escape with her husband and children and her own art career so Kathryn was always going to be the one in their mother’s sights.</p><p>The waves of anger still washed through her at the knowledge that their mother was planning out the rest of her sister’s life, from career to marriage, having apparently already picked out a candidate.  No doubt ‘friend Janice’ would go along with it too, maybe even knew about it already.  They were peas in a pod, Starfleet groupies in their own way.</p><p>She sat on the porch now and sipped at a coffee while Gretchen Janeway buzzed around the kitchen prepping for dinner.  She was a real traditionalist where meals were concerned.  Everything was prepared and cooked the old-fashioned way.  The replicators were rarely used and were mainly there for appearances or emergencies.  She even hand washed the dishes, refusing to use the recycler.  She was famous within Starfleet circles for her cooking and her dinner parties.</p><p>Phoebe drained her cup and put it on the small table beside her then looked out at the scenery.  While it should have soothed her, worry for her sibling robbed her of any enjoyment.  She smiled as she looked down at her hands and ran a finger over her engagement and wedding rings.  She wanted her sister to have what she had but knew that would never happen as long as their mother had a say in it.  She sighed at that thought.  It was clearly evident to her now that there was only one man for Kathryn but Gretchen Janeway would fight that tooth and nail as long as she had breath in her body.  That thought led to another.  Should she dare to try and contact that man herself?</p><p>In a surreal moment, she looked back out over the garden only to see the man in her thoughts walk towards the house.  She heard her mother behind her, clearly having seen him also.  “What the…  How dare he come here.”  She threw the towel she held into Phoebe’s lap and stormed off.</p><p>Phoebe’s mind raced and suddenly a plan formed.  She threw the towel onto the arm of the chair and dashed into the house then into her father’s study.  She found one of his old pens and tore a piece off an old paper note pad.  She scribbled down a brief message.  ‘St. Michael’s Park.  North Gate.  Tomorrow 10:00’.  She folded the paper and pressed it into her palm then ran outside.</p><p>Phoebe ran down the front steps to see her mother square up to Chakotay.  “How dare you come here.  You weren’t invited and you’re most certainly not welcome.”</p><p>Chakotay kept his calm.  “Mrs. Janeway, I’m not here to cause any trouble.  I just need to speak with Kathryn for a moment.”</p><p>Gretchen folded her arms.  “Captain Janeway isn’t here.  She’s out living her life.  Now leave.  You have no place here.  Don’t come back.  You’re no longer any part of my daughter’s life or world.”</p><p>Phoebe joined in.  “You need to go.  Leave my sister alone.”  She looked to the side and saw her mother nod her approval before returning to the house, assuming she’d be obeyed.  Phoebe looked back at the man in front of her and gave him a small smile.  She glanced back to see her mother climb the steps.  She reached out and quickly pressed the paper into his hand then backed away.  “Leave, Commander.  There’s nothing here for you.”</p><p>Chakotay glanced down at his hand and nodded.  He smiled gently at her.  “OK.  Message received and understood.”  With that he turned and walked away.  As he passed out of sight of the house to make his way towards the transporter station, he opened his hand to see what Kathryn’s sister had pressed into it.  He frowned at first as he unfolded the paper.  He read the message and then began to understand.  A small smile spread across his face.   Suddenly he felt as if he had an ally.</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Phoebe made her way back into the house.  She glanced behind her and saw Chakotay reach the laneway then walk towards the transporter station.  Satisfied he was leaving, she went into the house.</p><p>The barrage started immediately.  “How dare that murdering thug come here.  He should be serving time in prison, preferably on Cardassia.”  Gretchen paced up and down the hallway but stopped to jab a finger at her daughter.  “Don’t you dare tell her that filth was here.”</p><p>Phoebe tried, knowing she was going to be shot down.  “Maybe it was something important or related to the crew.”</p><p>Gretchen scoffed at that.  “Nonsense.  If it was that important, he’d have vid called her or gone through Starfleet.  No, he’s just trying to hang onto her celebrity shirt tails and live off who she is.  She needs to remove herself from those kinds of people.”</p><p>Phoebe wanted to laugh at that but held it back.  “Mom, she has a right to know.”</p><p>Gretchen advanced on her.  “I’m warning you, my girl.  You open your mouth to her about this and I’ll make your life a misery.”</p><p>As her mother stormed off, Phoebe shook her head and whispered to herself.  “You always have, Mom.”</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Phoebe smiled softly at Chakotay and held out her hand to him.  “Commander, thank you for coming.”</p><p>He smiled guardedly in return but nodded, taking her offered hand and shaking it.  “Please call me Chakotay.”</p><p>Phoebe smiled at that.  “Chakotay.  And call me Phoebe.”</p><p>He nodded but said nothing as she gestured for him to walk with her.  “I want to apologize for the way I spoke to you at the house yesterday.”</p><p>Chakotay looked towards her.  “It’s all right.”</p><p>Phoebe stopped a moment and turned to him, a serious look on her face.  “No, it isn’t all right.  It wasn’t all right.”  She sighed and moved forward again.  “It was necessary though.  I apologize for the act…and it was an act…but I have to live with her.”</p><p>Chakotay frowned and studied Kathryn’s sister as they slowly walked.  “Do you know where Kathryn is?  Is she all right?”</p><p>Phoebe stopped again and let her eyes wander the parkland.  Seeing several natural wood benches dotted around the place, she gestured towards one partly hidden by some overhanging trees.  “Could we sit please?”</p><p>Chakotay followed where she looked and nodded.  “Sure.”  They didn’t speak until they were seated.  He let Phoebe settle herself first before sitting himself then kept a comfortable distance between them.  “Phoebe, what’s going on?  You have me worried here.  How’s Kathryn?  Where is she?”</p><p>Phoebe gave him a small but sad smile.  “She’s at home.  She’s all right.”</p><p>Chakotay’s worry showed, not seeming satisfied with that answer.  “So why this meeting?”</p><p>Instead of answering his question, Phoebe asked one of her own.  “When was the last time you saw or spoke with my sister?”</p><p>He sighed heavily, something telling him he could trust this woman.  “Last time I saw her face to face was at Headquarters the day I finished debriefings but there were Starfleet people around her.  Spoken to her?  She called me yesterday…around lunchtime.  It was…  My ‘girlfriend’ was there.”</p><p>Phoebe frowned.  “You say that as if…”</p><p>He interrupted her.  “Let’s say my ‘ex-girlfriend’.”</p><p>She digested that.  “Tell me please.  It’s important to how this conversation will go.”</p><p>Chakotay sighed and leaned back.  “Kathryn vid called me.  I was at home with Seven.”  He told her about how the call had gone.  “I was worried the minute I saw her face.  I can still read her fairly well, although not so much these days...”  He smiled sadly at that.  “When she said she wanted me to take her place at the ball, even with no date for it yet and asked me to look after the crew…”  He ran a hand through his hair.  “Red alert klaxons went off.  Suffice to say I didn’t get any further because Seven was having a meltdown and Kathryn cut off the call.”</p><p>Phoebe watched his face carefully.  “You said ‘ex-girlfriend’.  Was Katie’s call the reason for that?”</p><p>Chakotay’s expression hardened.  “It was the final straw for the relationship, if you could call it a relationship.  And thank God it was never…physical.  Kathryn’s call was the trigger for a long overdue ‘discussion’ of things between us.  Whatever it was, we ‘broke up’, which was coming anyway.  The writing was well on the wall.  Basically, I told her to get out which she seemed more than happy to do.  I’m relieved to say it’s over now.  It should never have started.”  He drew in a deep breath then blew it out.  “Look, Phoebe, dating Seven was the biggest mistake of my life…in every way.  Kathryn seemed to approve though.  I think it was something her future self had told her…”  He saw by the face before him that she understood and knew about that.</p><p>She confirmed it for him.  “It’s OK.  I know about ‘the Admiral’.”</p><p>He shrugged.  “I don’t know.  What she was saying seemed at odds with how she seemed…or maybe that’s my imagination.  As I said, I couldn’t always read your sister in the last year or so.  At the end…I wasn’t sure what to think.  Before…  I mean, she was always completely focused on getting home but she still had some personal life.  That last year or so, it just seemed to take over completely and she threw herself into that.”</p><p>Phoebe nodded in understanding.  “She was happy to get her crew home but it’s not home for Katie herself.”  She was quiet a moment then drew in a deep breath.  She met his eyes squarely.  “Can I ask how you honestly feel about my sister?”</p><p>Chakotay didn’t need to think about that.  “I love her.  I have for a long time.  I’ve tried not to but…  I love her.  Plain and simple.  I can’t really say how she feels about me though.”</p><p>Phoebe smiled softly at that.  “I can tell you that she loves you too.”  She took in the look on the face before her.  It was a mix of relief and contentment.  She grew serious.  “I have to tell you though that she’s very hurt.”  She held up a hand.  “It’s not all to do with you.”  She frowned slightly.  “Can I ask what happened out there between you both?”  Before he answered, she shook her head.  “It’s OK.  Let me guess.  She wouldn’t let you in.  The ship and the crew came first.”  She almost laughed at the surprise on his face.  “I’m not psychic, Chakotay.  I just know my sister.  She didn’t say anything specific to me about this but I can read what she doesn’t say just as well.”</p><p>She shifted slightly in her seat.  “The Janeway family motto.  Duty First.  First and foremost, duty to Starfleet.    Family comes second.  Always to everyone but yourself.  Sound familiar?”</p><p>Memories passed through Chakotay’s mind.  “Sadly, yes.”</p><p>Phoebe sighed.  “Look, Chakotay, I have to ask you to bear with me here.  I need to give you some background.  Please trust me that I have my reasons.”</p><p>Chakotay studied her a moment and then nodded.  “OK.  Please.  Go on.”</p><p>She smiled her thanks.  “Understand that when I say ‘family’ I mainly mean Gretchen Janeway.”  She twisted to face him more fully.  “I told you I know my sister.  Well, I also know my mother so let me tell you about her.”  She took a moment then nodded to herself.</p><p>“We’re raised to love our families, which is right.  And I do love my mother but…a lot of the time I don’t like her.”  She leaned back a little.  “Gretchen Janeway, Gretchen Dawson as she was then, was raised Starfleet.  She was bottle fed on it.  She was the daughter of an admiral.  They were all Starfleet, uncles, cousins and so on.  Long line of Starfleet.  A real family affair.  Her mother, Elsa, also came from a Starfleet family.  Anyway, they had two daughters, my mother Gretchen and her sister, Annie, who strangely enough was an artist.  Maybe that explains where I got it from.  Anyway…Elsa also had a sister called Katie.  Our Katie was named after her.”</p><p>She scratched at her cheek.  “Gretchen’s father was killed in an accident when she was just a child.  She was six and a half.  She grew up watching how her mother, in good Starfleet tradition, stoically dealt with that.  She also saw the attention she got as a Starfleet widow.  She and her sister also received that attention as Starfleet orphans.”  She sighed.  “Grandma Elsa re-married some years later.  A man named Kurt.”  She smiled almost sarcastically.  “And yes, he was also Starfleet.”  She looked down at her hands a moment.  “In time Kurt was promoted to admiral and it was at his promotion party that he introduced our mother to our father.  Edward Janeway was an up-and-coming member of Starfleet.  What else would he have been?”</p><p>She blew out a long breath.  “So, she married him, as was expected, almost like an arranged marriage, although I think she loved him in her own way.  I guess in her eyes, what wasn’t to love.  I think she also believed her own father would have approved of the marriage.  Trying to still win his approval from beyond the grave.”  She smiled sadly.  “I watched as my sister did the same thing with our father.”</p><p>She folded her hands in her lap.  “Our mother was a carbon copy of our grandmother.  I think Elsa was the template for our Gretchen.  Mom was her mother’s daughter all right…in so many ways.  Elsa Dawson is alive and well and living within her daughter.”  She shook her head.  “Are you wondering why she didn’t join Starfleet herself?”</p><p>Chakotay gave a slight frown but remained quiet.</p><p>Phoebe looked out over the park a moment then back at the man beside her.  “She has a good enough brain.  She went through college.  It wasn’t quite good enough for Starfleet though and physically she wouldn’t have had what it took.  She wasn’t brave enough either and she certainly didn’t like getting her hands dirty.  As to taking orders…or having someone else controlling her?  Oh no.  Gretchen Janeway does the controlling.  She doesn’t take orders but she sure is good at giving them.”</p><p>She leaned one arm on the back of the bench.  “She’d discovered a different ‘career’, you see.  Attention and appearances.  That’s another Dawson trait.  Appearances are everything.  Seeking attention is all Gretchen although I’d say she did learn it somewhere in her family.  Control rules though…having total control.”</p><p>She pushed some loose hair back behind her ear.  “Growing up, she’d gotten all this attention as an orphan of Starfleet, so while she didn’t join Starfleet directly, she was content to still be ‘in the family’ so to speak.  Anyway, she did the next best thing and married it.  That’s what they all did.  They joined up or they married into it.  My father was perfectly acceptable to her family.  Hell, they’d hand picked him for her “</p><p>She laughed cynically.  “Now, here’s where it all clicks together.  She went from being a daughter of Starfleet to an orphan of Starfleet, a step daughter of Starfleet and then to a wife of Starfleet.”  She tilted her head to the side.  “You see where this is going?”</p><p>He nodded slightly and let her continue.</p><p>“She had Katie and myself and all was well in the world of Gretchen Janeway.”  She sighed.  “I used to think she’d have preferred to have sons but then daughters are easier to control and she’d have no other women, like daughters-in-law, to contend with.”  She shrugged.  “So, now she was also the mother of Starfleet.  The fact that I never wanted that was ‘accepted’.  It wasn’t liked but it was accepted because she had Katie.”  She smiled sadly.  “Ever hear about the ways of historic kings and queens?  They liked to produce ‘an heir and a spare’.  So, while Katie was the ‘heir’, I was just the ‘spare’.  She still wanted me to at least marry into it.  She wasn’t happy at all when I didn’t.”  She laughed cynically.  “I think she has plans for my kids though.”</p><p>The laugh faded quickly.  “Anyway, Katie happily gets engaged to Starfleet which is more for Mom.  Everything was going swimmingly and that was fine until my father inconveniently died along with the future son in law.  Of course, she now discovered a new yet familiar role.”  She held up a finger.  “A widow of Starfleet.”  She dropped her hand.  “She’d seen that work for her mother.  In a way, I hate to say, it was better.  You see, the dead can’t get in the way and disagree with you.  They can’t disappoint or change the status quo.  While it wasn’t quite as good as being the wife of a living Starfleet, it was acceptable.  She got all this attention and continued to get invited to all the Starfleet events.  Besides, she still had Katie.  Of course, after daddy died, the arena was hers alone.  And she was able to add a new weapon to her arsenal that she could employ against us, especially on Katie.”  Chakotay frowned at that.  “It’s what your father would want.  That’s powerful.  She attributed so many ‘would wants’ to the poor man.”</p><p>She crossed her legs.  “When Voyager went missing, she saw her house of cards severely weaken.  Widow was still there but she rallied quickly when she got all this attention as the poor mother of the missing captain so she basked in that for a while.”  She shrugged.  “So now, after a bit of a wait, she has a returning heroine daughter and she’s relishing every second of it.”</p><p>Chakotay blew out a breath.  He was shocked at all he was learning.  He wanted to ask questions, demand answers and details but wisely knew to let Phoebe continue.</p><p>Phoebe, for her part, was quiet for a moment and Chakotay wondered if she was rehearsing her words.  Finally, she seemed decided as she looked at him.  “Did you know that Katie suffers from depression sometimes?”</p><p>Chakotay hesitated a moment, not sure how much to say.  “Yes, I did.”</p><p>Phoebe frowned.  “On Voyager?”  She saw him nod at that but he didn’t elaborate.  She sighed and nodded.  “She had depression as a teenager and again later after the Cardassians…”  She gave him an apologetic look.  “Sorry.  Do you know about that?"</p><p>Chakotay just nodded.  “It’s all right.  I know.”</p><p>Phoebe sighed sadly.  “Well, she was ‘affected’ after all that but Mom brushed it off…probably because Daddy was there.  I don’t think he ever talked to Katie about it though…probably not sure what to say or ask…or maybe he didn’t want to ask too much or was afraid of what he’d learn.  Maybe he found out what he needed to know from Owen Paris.  They were good friends.  Anyway, she had it again after Daddy and Justin died.  Mom could ignore that and ‘excused’ it as grief, which of course was there anyway.  With Katie’s depression though, our mother tries to ignore it…refuses to look at it.  She describes it as a ‘character flaw’ or ‘Kathryn’s little issue or mood’.  Anything but what it is.”  She shrugged.  “I call her Katie but Mom only uses Kathryn.  Much more suitable for her career.”  She sighed.  “Anyway, to Mom’s way of thinking, it’s something which will go away if it’s ignored or denied.  It’s never spoken of…like a dirty family secret, so Katie never saw anyone about it.  Treatment, you see, would be on her record.  It would be this blemish and tarnish her reputation and we couldn’t have that.  That said, the depression is probably why it’s easier for Mom to control her the way she does so I guess it has one use.”  Her bitterness was palpable.</p><p>She sat forward.  “Sorry.  I’m digressing.  Anyway, Mom had her widow status and her up and coming daughter.  Katie loved science until Admiral Paris talked her into command.”</p><p>Chakotay leaned back.  “I know that.  She told me about it.”</p><p>Phoebe just laughed at that, again the sound filled with sarcasm.  “Bet you don’t know it was Gretchen Janeway who told him to do that.  Even Katie doesn’t know although she was a natural at it.  Mom wanted another admiral in the family and the command route was the best way to get that.  I’m always surprised she never re-married herself as her mother did.  I think she enjoyed having her own control too much for that though.”</p><p>Chakotay shook his head as he tried to digest all he was learning.  Phoebe still had more to relate though.</p><p>“You know, Justin wasn’t the love of my sister’s life.  He’d been part of the elite rescue team that extracted Katie and Owen Paris from the Cardassians.   Mom decided on and encouraged that match and Katie didn’t see it.  She was recovering and I think she was vulnerable.  I don’t think Daddy saw it either.  Later on, Mark was the same.  Oh, he wasn’t Starfleet but he was from an old Starfleet family.  They were wealthy and respected.  Mark was highly regarded in his field and worked on the fringes of Starfleet.  I think in time Mom would have pushed him into it more.”  She scratched at her chin.  “In my eyes, both of Katie’s ‘loves’ were arranged marriages.”  She smiled at the look of disbelief on Chakotay’s face.  “Don’t get me wrong, they did love her and she loved them too but I think, for Katie, a lot of it was about just having someone and being loved.  Maybe there was an element of getting away from Mom too.  She was also likely doing ‘what was expected’.  Outside of work and home, she had no real life.”  She blew out a long breath.  “Look, I know you think I’m exaggerating but I’ve known Gretchen Janeway all my life.  I’ve seen her in action.  And Katie?  Yes, she’s a strong and independent woman out there in the world but she’s like an actress hiding behind the role she’s playing.  She’s not like that where our mother is concerned.  To the world, Katie always wanted to please our father and make him proud, and that is true but the real power was held by Gretchen.  She pushed my father ever upwards and sad to say, I think that’s why he worked away so much…to please her at first but in the end, it was probably to get away from her so he was rarely home.  If Katie saw that, and I did often try to tell her, she chose to ignore it.  I saw more because I was home but Katie was away a lot – at the Academy or on missions.”  She dropped her head to the side and shrugged.  “Strangely, I’ve no memories of Mom ever saying she missed Daddy when he wasn’t there.”</p><p>She uncrossed her legs and stretched them out before her.  “You know, when we were children, our birthday parties and other childhood or family celebrations were…”  She smiled to herself.  “It took us years to figure out they weren’t for us.  They were all Starfleet directed.  We just had to be there, look the part and put on a good show or give the perfect performance in our best party dresses, every hair in place, to never get dirty or scuff our shoes.  They were even well rehearsed beforehand.”  She met his eyes.  “She actually schooled us on how to open our presents in front of guests…how to react.  Everything had an agenda.  Only Starfleet brats in attendance, all on their best behaviour too.”  She shrugged and looked at Chakotay sadly.  “Well, there was the odd non-Starfleet child invited to look ‘charitable’ but they weren’t treated the same.  I’m sure they felt it.”  She sighed.  “The kids, of course, were kept out of the house.  She’d have a marquee put up.  No dirty fingerprints or spilled drinks.  She hired caterers too so no cleaning up for her either.  She’s famous for her dinner parties where she’s in control of all aspects but these were different.  I think controlling the kids and mingling with the adults was more important.”</p><p>She shrugged.  “Christmas was the same.  Our tree was always professionally done.  Nothing ever made in school was allowed near it.  Not suitable at all.  No childish school decorations adorned the tree or the house.  She always preferred professional greeting cards from us too.  No nasty handmade ones.  They were never kept anyway.”  She sighed sadly.  “Nothing we ever made at school, in art class and so on, was ever on display or lovingly kept.  It was glanced at and then dismissed.  If we were lucky, we got a brief ‘very nice’ at best.  I was always jealous of my friends whose parents hung their offerings with pride.”  She shook her head sadly.  “None of my paintings hang in that house, despite my giving her some.  I found them one day in the hall closet.  When I asked her about them, she said she was going to hang them but hadn’t gotten around to it, that she needed to make the appropriate space for them.  That was years ago and they’re still there.  Needless to say, I’ve never given her any others.”  She swallowed.  “She framed and hung Katie’s graduation and promotion to captain images.”  She looked at him and smiled softly.  “That’s not jealousy.  I know they’re only there because they relate to Starfleet.”</p><p>Chakotay ran a hand through his hair.  “I can’t take all this in.”</p><p>Phoebe smiled sadly and leaned forward.  “Let me guess.  I bet Katie told you about the sweet, little old lady in her apron, baking her caramel brownies.  The cookie cutter mom slaving away for the local charities or the church and school bake sales or charity fundraisers.  The mother who gave these big dinner parties for Starfleet top brass or family.  The perfect Christmases.  The pillar of the local community.”  She actually snorted.  “That’s just wishful thinking on my sister’s part.  To present any other image would be disloyal and who wants to speak ill of their mother.”  She shook her head.  “Don’t get me wrong.  Gretchen Janeway did all that but it was all for show and attention.  She’s still doing it.  She’s outwardly charming to the right people but inwardly she’s relentless in order to get what she wants.  She’s scheming, obsessive, manipulative and controlling.”</p><p>She sighed deeply.  “I told you Katie was named after Elsa’s sister.  I don’t know where she got my name although I did research the origin of it.”  She gave a short laugh.  “In ancient Greek religion, Phoebe was one of the first generation of Titans, daughter of Uranus and Gaia. She was the grandmother of Apollo, the God of the Sun and Artemis, Goddess of the moon.  Like her granddaughter Artemis, she was identified by the Roman poets with their moon-Goddess Diana.”  She shrugged her shoulders.  “What can I say.  I developed an interest in Greek mythology.  I love their art too.”  She sighed.  “A Phoebe is also a bird…described as an ‘American tyrant flycatcher’.”  She rolled her eyes.  “I love the use of the word tyrant.  A tyrant is a cruel and oppressive dictator...an absolute ruler…someone exercising power or control in a cruel, unreasonable or arbitrary way.  I wonder if she knows what it means and that it would be better suited to herself.”</p><p>She dropped her head back a moment then lifted it.  “She’s lived vicariously through her father, her stepfather, my father and Katie.  She’s all soft and fluffy on the outside but ruthless at getting what she wants on the inside.  We used to say ‘soft slippers covering Starfleet boots’ or ‘iron fist in a velvet glove’.  She’s this master puppeteer, behind the scenes pulling the strings.  She hides it well though.  The curtain is always perfectly in place.”</p><p>Chakotay blew out a breath.  “Kathryn always spoke well of your mother.  And yes, that image is the one I had.  The entire crew knows about the brownies.”</p><p>Phoebe nodded at that.  “I don’t know if it IS that wishful thinking on my sister’s behalf or if she’s truly in denial.  Maybe her depression blinds her to it all or perhaps I just see more of the woman our mother is.”  She stared hard at him.  “Let me tell you – if she knew I was talking to you…”  She rolled her eyes again.  “Did you ever read Earth’s history of the Salem witch trials and what they did to those women?  That would be me.  That, or my body would be found hanging from the Golden Gate Bridge or floating beneath it in the Bay.”</p><p>Chakotay looked sadly at her.  “Where does she think you are today?”</p><p>Phoebe laughed at that.  “Taking care of my own family stuff…running errands and so on.  Basically, I play the family duty and appearances card.  She buys it every time.”</p><p>Chakotay smiled at that, liking this woman more and more.  “And her?”</p><p>Phoebe shrugged.  “She’s meeting with her like-minded friends…probably something Starfleet related or a fundraiser or charity lunch.  I call them ‘the coven’.  Even with Katie home, she wouldn’t cancel.  That wouldn’t look right or as if something was wrong.  Duty and appearances.”</p><p>Chakotay frowned at that.  “Phoebe, IS something wrong?”</p><p>Phoebe gazed up at the branches above her a moment then looked back at the man seated beside her.  “Katie hasn’t had an easy time since she’s been home.  The debriefings were damned tough, harder on her more than anyone else.  She fought like a tigress for you all.”</p><p>Chakotay rubbed at his face.  “I guessed as much.  We were all debriefed separately.  I didn’t get to speak with her, just saw her around Headquarters but she was always with someone, being escorted here or there.  When I finished, she was still being debriefed.  I inquired several times and was finally told she’d gone home to her family.  I debated about contacting her there but didn’t feel right about it.  I felt I’d be intruding and I also wasn’t sure she’d want to see me.  After her call though, I had to.”</p><p>Phoebe blew out a long breath.  “My sister’s time at home is about Mom taking over.  The upcoming ball is her main agenda even though we don’t know when it will be.  All that attention with the top brass in attendance.  Anyway, she’s organized a suitably selected date for Katie.  She’s picked out her dress and shoes.  She’s even selected her jewellery and perfume and has someone on standby for her hair and makeup.  I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s even picked out her underwear.”</p><p>Chakotay frowned deeply at that.  “That’s not the Kathryn I know.  Independence and self-control are very important to her.”</p><p>Phoebe laughed at that.  “That’s the outside woman you know…the Starfleet trained captain out there in the world.  It’s the only place she HAS independence and control of her own life.  At home, with our mother…  I think part of Katie’s strength and empowerment, her belief in herself as a woman out in the world, she learned from watching Mom and, as I said, Starfleet training.  She just puts it to better use but can only show it outside though.  Her fairness, kindness and empathy with other people came from Daddy.  Mom, of course, doesn’t see those qualities as strengths.  She sees them as weaknesses.”</p><p>She sighed softly and looked off into the distance a moment.  “You know, I remember Katie climbing a tree when she lived at home, her way to escape.  She called it her thinking tree.  Mom hated her doing that and had a fit every time my sister climbed up there.  She couldn’t go up after her but she’d scream up at her.  Sometimes Katie came down but other times she wouldn’t.  She always paid for that in one way or another.”</p><p>She came back to the present.  “Sorry.  That just came into my mind.  I’m remembering all these little things since her return.”  She used both hands to pull her hair back into a ponytail then let it go.  “You know, Mom has already picked out a husband for Katie, although I doubt the man in question knows.  She seems keen on this date she’s picked for the ball, although she called him her escort at first.  He’s the son of one of her friends.  She’ll become an admiral, marry who mother wants her to marry, have perfect kids and on the Gretchen train will go.  She’s organizing the rest of her life.”</p><p>Chakotay frowned disbelievingly at her words.  “Kathryn’s going along with that?”</p><p>Phoebe looked down at her hands and laced her fingers together.  “I don’t think she sees it.  After only a couple of days at home, I’ve seen Katie’s depression coming into play…old or new, I can’t tell.”  She looked at him sadly.  “She’s tired but I don’t think she really sleeps.  She doesn’t look as if she does anyway.  I’ve seen her light on late if I have to get up.  She’s talked some to me about your time out there but it’s basic details, almost like a report with the ‘scary bits’ left out.  She goes for long walks or pretends to read.  She sits on the porch with a book open at the same page.  Her mind is somewhere else.”  She looked at him tearfully.  “Dear God, she’s just trying, as I imagine you all are, to get over and recover from seven hard years out there and adjust to being back.  To Mom though, it’s Katie’s old character flaw and she won’t stand for it.  She’ll knock it out of her.  She believes getting her back to work will cure everything.”</p><p>Phoebe leaned back and folded her arms.  “And now there’s you.”  She reached over and laid a hand on Chakotay’s arm a moment.  “Katie has talked about you a lot and Mom has jumped on that.  She’s told her not to think about you or talk about you, that you ‘aren’t good enough’.  She doesn’t want you anywhere near her daughter because, like me, she can see how Katie feels about you and that terrifies her.  No daughter of hers will be married to a ‘terrorist or a murdering Maquis’”.  She looked sadly at Chakotay.  “Sorry.”</p><p>Chakotay squeezed her arm now.  “Nothing I haven’t heard before.  I’ll live.”</p><p>Phoebe rubbed at her eyes and sighed heavily.  “She doesn’t want Katie anywhere near her crew even.  In her words, “she’s not going to be another Tom Paris”.  As she sees it, you’re all beneath her and you’ve served your purpose and her daughter needs to move on up the ladder.  Mom is the ultimate snob and social climber.”
She sat forward and leaned her elbows on her thighs.  “Katie’s excuse for Mom has always been ‘she means well’ but she never saw what I did.  Mom tried to take over my wedding.  She tried to name my kids and decide their schools. You know, I try and make excuses for her myself sometimes.  I try to convince myself that she’s a product of her upbringing or her environment.  I tell myself she can’t help it, that it’s how she was raised and that it’s all she’s ever known.  Maybe there’s an element of that but then she goes and says something really nasty or hurtful or does something behind our backs and then I’m back to square one with her.”  She shook her head.  “Katie’s one night at home between you getting back and her debriefings next day…  We got back to a house filled with extended family and Mom’s friends.  All of that was done behind my back.  Mom knew I’d warn Katie.  I was so angry about that but Katie was the consummate diplomat and just went along with it.”  She sighed.  “Things like that…  I spend so much time fighting myself in case I end up hating her.  Mostly I try to feel nothing but that doesn’t work either.”</p><p>She sat back again, seemingly unable to know what way to sit.  “You know, I think Katie always just went along with things before.  Eventually anyway.  Occasionally she’d stall but Mom always wore her down.  Maybe it was just easier.”  She tried for a smile and failed.  “Taking orders from Starfleet is ingrained in my sister.  I think the reason she accepts it so easily is because long before that she was taking orders from her own mother.”  She shook her head sadly.  “Look, I love my sister deeply.  We’ve supported each other a lot through the years.  Don’t get me wrong.  Mom was never abusive or anything.  We had anything and everything we needed.  We were given everything except the right to fail or live our own lives and make our own choices.  We were never hit or anything but the constant pressure to do and be what she wanted was…hard.  It was suffocating.  She just wanted to mold us in the family image and no one in her family ever saw anything wrong in that.”  She looked up at him.  “Our extended family was mostly from Mom’s side.  Daddy only had a few cousins we rarely saw.”</p><p>Chakotay smiled sadly at her.  There was still a lot he wanted to say and ask but felt it best to hear the whole story first.</p><p>Phoebe closed her eyes a moment.  “The woman who came back from the Delta Quadrant is badly affected by everything.  She’s deeply scarred by it all.  She needs time to heal, to recover.  She doesn’t need to be pushed back into the thick of it.”  She looked tearily at Chakotay.  “She also misses you.  Personally, I think she feels she’s lost the real love of her life.”</p><p>Chakotay felt tears fill his own eyes.  He reached over and patted Phoebe’s hand.  “Thank you.”</p><p>Phoebe nodded at that and squeezed his hand in return.  “Mom isn’t going to give her that though.  In her eyes, Katie is Starfleet and made of sterner stuff.  She refuses to see anything else.”  She smiled sadly.  “Katie, before the Delta Quadrant, could stand up to Mom in some things, could fight in some ways…but this Katie, I believe, is worn out after seven hard years out there.  I don’t think she has it in her anymore.  She’s not going to stand up for herself because I don’t think she has any fight left in her.  She made a halfhearted effort to stand up to Mom but it came to nothing.  Her last bit of fight was used at the debriefings for you and the crew.  I think she feels she has nothing left to fight for now.”  She looked out over the park a moment, a faraway look in her eyes.  “And then there was nothing…  ‘And then there were none’.”  She smiled softly and looked back at Chakotay.  “Sorry.  An old movie Tom Paris once loaned me.  Is he still at that?”</p><p>Chakotay smiled slightly a moment.  “Yeah.  He even had an old-fashioned television on Voyager…all the old shows.”  He grew serious then.  “I think what you mean is that I wasn’t there.”</p><p>Phoebe shook her head.  “I’m not blaming you but…yes.  I believe there’s more to it though.  She’s in the past, the present is meaningless and I don’t think she can see a future.  Maybe she’d be stronger if she had you but Mom would still be fighting her.”</p><p>Chakotay frowned and shook his head.  “I’m having trouble…  Look, I understand the fallout, if you like, from our time out there but…”  He waved a hand at nothing in particular.  “This is the woman who beat the Borg.  To think that she could be brought down by her own mother…”</p><p>Phoebe sighed heavily.  “Katie’s earliest and main influence has always been our mother.  She molded and crafted her.  She was strong while Katie was a child and weak.”  She shook her head.  “You don’t know Mommy Dearest.”  She laughed.  “Sorry.  That’s what we called her.  It’s from an old Earth novel and vid…some old actress of the time who apparently abused her kids.”  She smiled softly.  “Another one from Tom’s hobby or obsession collection.  I showed it to Katie one time and we adopted the name for Mom.  I got a lot of old vids from young Mr. Paris…some I probably shouldn’t have.  He was very ahead of his years.  I learned more about real life and ‘other things’ from those vids than I ever did at home.  Mom would have been fit to be tied if she’d known.  Some things were just not discussed.”  She looked sadly at Chakotay.  “Look…Mom’s biggest fear isn’t just about losing her daughter to you but losing her to herself.  She’s invested a lot in her first born.  And I don’t mean that is a loving way.  She’s spent her life getting from others what she couldn’t get for herself.  Those others have always given her the life she wants and losing them means losing that life.”</p><p>She shook her head.  “I believe that no matter how hard it was, the life my sister knew for those seven years has been pulled out from under her and now she’s back to what was and our mother. The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.  Never underestimate the power of that.”</p><p>She ran a hand across her forehead.  “I think you all worried about being in prison when you got back.  Katie is the only one in prison.  These few days at home in particular…”</p><p>Chakotay looked around at the sound of a bird call nearby then back at the woman beside him.  “Was Kathryn there when I came by yesterday?  Does she know I called?”</p><p>Phoebe shook her head.  “No.  She was on one of her walks.  Mom didn’t tell her and threatened me with all sorts if I told her or said anything.  When I dared to say she had a right to know, I got her stock answer.”  She wagged a finger at Chakotay’s frown.  “Nonsense.”  She sighed.  “That’s Mom’s dismissal of everything she doesn’t want to know or hear.  She peppers her speech with that word.  I think it was the first one either of us learned.  Starfleet has ‘dismissed’.  Mom has ‘nonsense’.  They mean the same thing.”</p><p>Chakotay shook his head sadly.  “What can we do?”</p><p>Phoebe smiled at that.  “I was hoping you’d say ‘we’.”  She sighed.  “I’m praying my sister still has some hidden fight in her…some reserves left.  If she just felt she had someone worth fighting for…”  She let that trail off when she saw the sad look on Chakotay’s face.</p><p>He sighed sadly.  “You’re assuming that she’d want me.”</p><p>Phoebe raised an eyebrow at him.  “Chakotay, I told you I know my sister.  She’s in love with you.”</p><p>Chakotay pulled at his ear.  “As wonderful as it is to hear that, I can’t really know how she feels about me.  There’s a big difference between loving someone and being IN love with them.  I’d at least like to think we’re still good friends but I can’t even be sure of that either.  I felt things were…strained…between us towards the end.  I know she said she was happy for me in dating Seven but I don’t know whether I can believe that.  She could have been deeply hurt and disappointed in me and just hid it well.”  He shook his head.  “To be honest, I don’t know what to think.  We just didn’t know how long we were going to be out there.  I started dating Seven because she asked and I was lonely.  Pathetic, huh?”  He smiled sadly and shrugged.  “For a long time, I hoped and prayed for a relationship with Kathryn.”  He sighed.  “Did Kathryn tell you about the time we spent stranded on a planet alone?”</p><p>Phoebe smiled sadly at that.  “Briefly.  I got the impression it was a painful subject.  She only gave me the basic facts.”</p><p>Chakotay’s mind took him back.  “I loved it there although Kathryn found it hard to settle.  Just as she began to accept it all, they came back for us.  I wanted to explore a relationship when we got back but…  The ship and crew were always going to come first, and to be honest, I did understand that, even though it hurt.”  He blew out a long breath.  “After all you’ve told me here today, I understand it even more.”</p><p>Phoebe smiled at him.  “Let me put it this way then.  Now that you’re home and now that you’re both free…  If Katie was ready to be with you now, would you be there for her?  You’ve said you love her.  Are you IN love with her?”</p><p>He sighed deeply.  “Phoebe…  Yes.  I love her and I’m IN love with her.  I’ll be there for her in any way she needs.  If she just needs a friend, I’ll be that.  And even though it would hurt like hell, if she didn’t want anything to do with me, I’d leave her alone.”</p><p>Phoebe reached over and ruffled his hair.  “Now THAT is true love.  I was right to trust you and come to see you.”  She reached into her pocket and pulled out her personal communication device.  She handed it to him.  “Enter your contact details in there but put it down under…”  She thought a moment as she looked at him.  “Your home world is Dorvan, isn’t it?”  She smiled when he nodded.  “Put it in as ‘Dora’.  Dora Art Supplies.”  She laughed at his frown as he entered the name and contact details.  “Let’s just say that Katie and I learned at a young age never to keep a diary.”</p><p>She took the device back and reached into her other pocket then pulled out a data card.  “My contact details are on there.  Please make sure your ID says Dora Art Supplies or is blocked if you contact me in any other way.  Just send me a message that…  Say that you’re Dora Art Supplies and need me to call you about the canvasses I was interested it.  If she sees that she’ll ignore it.  She has no interest whatsoever in my work.  My gallery showings aren’t big enough to attract the kind of attention she’d be interested in.  In other words, no Starfleet involvement.”</p><p>Chakotay looked at her sadly.  “I know you’re an artist and this isn’t an artist pun but the picture you paint of your mother is…  I don’t know.  I can’t take all this in.”</p><p>Phoebe sighed and looked down at her feet then crossed her ankles.  “I know you must think I’m exaggerating about this but you just got a small taste of her.  I’ve had a lifetime of it.”  She looked back at him.  “Katie’s had it even longer but I think she could deny it more than I could.  Later on, she was able to escape it more.  Besides, she was doing what was expected of her more than I was.”  She laughed suddenly.  “I don’t know.  I’m not sure I can make total sense of it all myself.  I think a good shrink would have a field day with my family.”</p><p>Chakotay didn’t miss the tears she tried to hide with her laughter.  He reached over and took her hand.  “What do you want me to do?”</p><p>Phoebe turned her hand in his and squeezed.  “Are you ready for this because I really have thought about it?”  When he nodded, she continued, her words already rehearsed in her own head.  “I want you to tell my sister how much you love her and then take her the hell away from all this.  Find someplace where Gretchen Janeway can’t get to her.  Build her a home, marry her, give her kids.  Just get her away from my mother and from Starfleet.  Believe it or not, there are many in that organization who think just like Mom and would gladly use Katie’s homecoming and celebrity for their own ends.  Their image of her matches in perfectly with my mother’s.  She’s a PR dream for them.”</p><p>Chakotay just stared at her.  “Phoebe, I can tell you that you’ve just described my dream but this has to be what Kathryn wants.”</p><p>She cut him off.  “Look, I trust you.  I know Katie trusted you with her life out there…with her ship even, which I think was her substitute baby.”  They both smiled at that.  “You also know about her depression and the Cardassians.  You must have had something special between you for her to talk to you about that or let you see it.”  She shrugged slightly. “Sooo…I’m trusting you with my sister, trusting you with her life in all aspects of that so that should tell you a lot.”  She smiled softly.  “Look, I told you I know my sister.  Please trust me to know that this is Katie’s dream too.  I believe she’s just in a place where she feels too afraid to have those dreams because they hurt too much.  She sees them as out of her reach and feels she doesn’t deserve them.”</p><p>She sighed and gently pulled her hand back.  “Mom will never stop trying to run her life and Starfleet will try to own her.  She’s given enough.  In my opinion, she’s been the good daughter.  She’s been the obedient and dutiful Starfleet officer.  She’s been the captain who brought her crew home against unbelievable and insurmountable odds and with a ton of new technology and enough data to keep them busy for decades.  She doesn’t need to be rolled out as a PR coup.  What she needs now is to be a woman.  She needs to be Katie.  She needs to be a wife and a mother.  She needs to be herself.  She needs to rest and recover, physically and emotionally.  Later on, she can still use her brain, her intelligence and her expertise but on her own terms.  In a nutshell, she needs a life that’s for her and decided by her.”</p><p>She looked down at her palm device.  Seeing the time, she jumped up.  “Shit.  I’d better head back.  If I’m late…”  She rolled her eyes.  “She doesn’t suffer tardiness.”</p><p>Chakotay stood also.  “Are you staying there?”</p><p>Phoebe slipped her Personal Comm into her pocket.  “Yes.  I’m staying for a while at the house for Katie.  We all stayed at first so she could get to meet her niece and nephew and my husband.  He’s now taken the kids to visit his parents.    They see enough of my mother.”  She smiled guiltily at that.  “Sorry.”</p><p>Chakotay waved that away, understanding how she felt having heard all she’d had to say.  “You’ll talk to Kathryn?”</p><p>She nodded.  “First chance I get.  I need to do it away from Mom obviously.”  She massaged her palm with her thumb.  “I also need to get Katie in the right frame of mind.  Perhaps I’ll join her on one of her walks.”  She shrugged.  “Most sisters talk late at night in one of their rooms.  We didn’t.  I swear Mom has listening devices in the walls.  She always seemed to know our childish whisperings.”</p><p>She waved a hand towards the park entrance.  “Come on.  Walk me to the gate.”</p><p>Chakotay nodded and placed a hand gently on the small of her back to let her lead the way.  He looked around him as they walked and didn’t see anyone else.  “You picked a good place for privacy.  It’s deserted.  Even the transporter station is unmanned.  Thank you for trusting me.”</p><p>Phoebe stopped and he almost walked into her.  “Chakotay, don’t you dare.  My sister trusted you for seven years.  That’s all I need to know.  I told you that.”</p><p>He squeezed her shoulder.  “Thank you.  That means a lot.”</p><p>They moved forward again and reached the park entrance and the transporter station there.  Phoebe turned to the man beside her.  “I’ll contact you as soon as I have news.  Just be patient with me.  You contact me if you need me.”  She smiled up at him.  “Can I be bold enough to hug you?”</p><p>Chakotay laughed at that and pulled her into a warm hug.</p><p>Phoebe sighed as she pulled back.  “Did you hug my sister like that?”</p><p>He pulled at his ear again.  “We had a few.”</p><p>She shook her head and laughed.  “My sister is stupid.  That was such a warm and tender hug.”  She moved to the door of the station.  “If Katie doesn’t want you, I’ll divorce my husband and take you myself.”</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Gretchen Janeway had finally let her impatience get the better of her and had spoken with a few contacts she had at Headquarters to try and tie down a date for the ball.  She’d been disgusted to learn that a date still hadn’t been set and wouldn’t be until ‘all other business’ had first been attended to.  She stood now in the centre of the room, hands on hips.  She shook her head in disgust.  “I can’t believe they’re holding off on the ball until they sort out the crew.”</p><p>Kathryn just shrugged.  “They need to decide on their futures and where they’d be best suited.  Promotions and assignments.  Whether they want to stay with Starfleet or retire.  Back pay and so on.  They’re obviously still sorting it out.  They probably want to give out any promotions and commendations at the ball.”</p><p>Gretchen wasn’t buying that.  “It’s all nonsense.  They need to go where they’re put and obey orders.  They’re not important.  They’re lower decks staff.”</p><p>Kathryn stared hard at her mother.  “They’re not ‘staff’ and they’re VERY important.  They’re loyal officers, no matter what their rank.  They put their lives on the line every day out there and some even gave their lives.”</p><p>Her mother wasn’t taking that and waved it away.  “That’s their job and their duty.  They signed up for it and they’re paid for it.”</p><p>The sisters looked at each other a moment and shook their heads.  Kathryn tried to hold herself in check.  “They’re not robots.  They’re real people.”</p><p>Gretchen scoffed at that.  “They’re holding everything up.  That Equinox crowd are a shameful disgrace.  Why aren’t they stripped of everything and court marshalled?  As to those Maquis…  Why are they not in prison?  They should hand them over to the Cardassians.  They’re traitors and murdering scum.  They’re terrorists.  It’s a disgrace.  How you let them wear the Starfleet uniform is beyond me.  You must have lost your mind.  And you gave them the run of your ship?  You were raised and trained better than that.  I’m surprised you didn’t face charges yourself.”</p><p>Kathryn raised her voice.  “You weren’t out there.  You’ve no idea what it was like.  Maybe Starfleet just sees the bigger picture.”  At that point, she just stopped, asking herself what the point was.  She shook her head then stormed off towards the study.  “I have to check my messages.”</p><p>Gretchen was about to say more when Phoebe touched her arm.  She knew her sister needed to escape for a while.  “Let her be for the moment, Mom.  She needs to keep checking to see if the Review Board needs more from her.”</p><p>Mention of the Board stopped the old woman.  “She has some damned nerve.  How dare she speak to me like that.”</p><p>Needing to distract her mother, Phoebe moved into the living room.  “Come on.  Tell me what you’re wearing to the ball and who’ll be there.”  She smiled to herself as Gretchen followed her.  It worked every time.</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Kathryn sat at her father’s desk and dropped her head into her hands.  After a moment she raised her head and looked around the room.  Two walls were lined with books alongside many awards and commendations.  On the other walls around the door and window hung holoimages of her father and mother posing with the great and mighty of Starfleet.  She sighed heavily, knowing her mother had designed and decorated the room.</p><p>As she looked around at it all, it hit her like a ton of bricks.  What had been half thoughts before now became full blown.  She knew that this would be her life for the rest of her days if she let it happen.  She saw herself behind a desk, taking orders, attending functions, doing and saying all the right and expected things, with forced smiles to order.  And behind it all, Gretchen Janeway directing and pushing her.</p><p>There was only one way to change it.  She realized now that she’d already started things rolling by asking Chakotay to attend the ball for her.  Now she knew she needed to advance her plan and word of Starfleet’s delay in organizing the ball until everything else had been decided played right into her hands.  She turned on the computer and comm unit.  Taking a moment to organize her thoughts, she began composing her letter of resignation.  She addressed it to Admiral Owen Paris then leaned back, her finger hovering over ‘send’.  She looked around the room once more, drew in a deep breath and sent the document.  Checking it had gone through, she encrypted the document, the send instruction and the call log.  She knew she might need a record of the transmission later so deleting it wasn’t an option.  This way she could retrieve it but no one else could.</p><p>Just as she stood up, the door flew open and her mother walked in.  “What’s taking you so long?  Did they need something?”</p><p>Kathryn jumped in fright and stepped away from the computer.  “No.  Nothing.”</p><p>She was rarely able to fool the old woman.  All her life she’d felt guilty with her mother, even when she’d done nothing wrong.  Gretchen’s eyes narrowed.  “What are you up to?”  She pushed her daughter aside and moved behind the desk.  She checked the computer’s history.  “Who were you contacting?”  She checked the records and saw that they were encrypted.  She turned angrily to her daughter.  “Have you been contacting that terrorist?  Tell me now.”</p><p>Kathryn moved around the front of the desk and walked out the door, her mother hot on her heels.  As she reached the living room, she was spun back around to face her mother’s wrath.  “Don’t you dare walk away from me, Madam.  Now answer me.  Were you contacting that scum?  What is it with him?  Were you letting him fuck you out there?”  When she got no answer, she shook her, her voice rising.  “Him?  I won’t have it.”  Her face twisted.  “You will not throw away your life over that terrorist bastard.”</p><p>Kathryn shook off her mother’s grip.  “Chakotay.  He has a name.  It’s Chakotay and I was not contacting him nor was I ‘fucking’ him as you so disgustingly put it.”  She moved closer to her mother.  “They ALL have names.  They’re all real and good people.  Not staff.  Not worker bees.  They’re honourable officers, every last one of them.  You wouldn’t know that though.  You only know names above a certain rank.”  She turned and walked away, leaving her mother shouting after her.</p><p>“I won’t let you throw your life away over a murdering terrorist, a traitor to Starfleet.”  She went to follow but Phoebe stopped her.</p><p>“Mom, let me please.”  Phoebe ran after Kathryn, their mother’s rantings still echoing around the room.  She caught sight of her sister as she entered the study.  She stopped dead in the doorway as she saw Kathryn standing on the transporter pad Starfleet had installed for their father.  “Katie?”</p><p>Kathryn looked up at her sister, her anguish obvious.  “I’m sorry, Phoebes.  I’ll call you.  I have to get away.  I have to leave here.”</p><p>Phoebe stepped forward.  “Katie, please.  I need to tell you…”</p><p>She never got the chance to finish her sentence before Kathryn shimmered away.  Thinking quickly, she checked the destination and saw that it was at one of the stations beside Starfleet Headquarters.  She tapped at the controls and deleted the logs.  She then slipped out of the room, checked she couldn’t be seen then opened the hall door before slamming it.  Walking back to her mother, she shrugged.  “She’s gone out.  Let her walk it off.  She’ll cool down.”</p><p>Gretchen threw her hands up in the air and walked away, muttering to herself.</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Within the hour, they learned who Kathryn had contacted.  Gretchen stared hard at Owen Paris.  “She what?  Tell me I heard you wrong.”</p><p>Admiral Paris sighed.  “Let me speak with her.”</p><p>Gretchen laughed sarcastically.  “I think we’re past that.”  She folded her arms.  “I’ll kill her.  I’ll tear her limb from limb.  Who the hell does she think she is?”</p><p>Phoebe watched them in shock.  She looked at Owen.  “She…resigned?”</p><p>He nodded.  “She sent me her resignation.  No message.  Just the document.”</p><p>Gretchen rounded on him.  “You can just delete it then.  It’s not going to happen.”</p><p>Owen sighed heavily.  “Where is she?”</p><p>Gretchen spit her words.  “Out on one of her damned walks.  She needs to get back to work.  If you lot would get this ball sorted and just assign her.”</p><p>The admiral looked weary.  “Nothing’s been decided yet and before you say it, that’s not my department.  I have no say in any decisions.  The date for the ball won’t be decided until everything else is sorted out.  It also won’t happen until mandatory counselling is completed.  As to just deleting her resignation, I can’t.  It came through the main frame.  There’s a record of the transmission.  All I can do is put it on ice for a while and not forward it.  The only one who can call it back is your daughter herself.”</p><p>Gretchen laughed derisively.  “Oh, she’ll do that and more.  She’ll be sorry.  When I’m finished with her, she’ll be more than sorry.”</p><p>Turning away, Owen made for the door.  “I have to go.  Gretchen, get her to come and see me when she gets back.”  Once outside the house, he called for a transport.</p><p>Her thoughts whirling, Phoebe pointed to the door.  “Mom, I’ll go after her.  I’ll look for her.  I know the routes around here.  I’ll find her.”</p><p>Gretchen nodded at that.  “Find her.  Get her back here and lock her in her room.  I’ll deal with her when I get back.”</p><p>Phoebe frowned.  “Back?  Where are you going?”</p><p>Moving for the stairs, Gretchen shrugged.  “I’m meeting Janice and the girls.  I can’t cancel now.  They’d know something was amiss.”</p><p>Studying her retreating back, Phoebe shook her head.  Some things never changed.</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Phoebe walked towards the woods and watched for her mother to leave the house.  As soon as she saw her go, she contacted Chakotay.  She sent a simple text only message.  ‘Same place.  Now if you can please.  Must talk.’  Within seconds, a response came back with one word.  ‘Yes’.  She quickly deleted the two messages and set out for the park.</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Chakotay stepped off the platform at the transporter station and saw Phoebe immediately as she waited for him.  She grabbed his arm and pulled him towards the door.  Sticking her head outside, she checked up and down.  Seeing no one around, she nodded towards the parkland.</p><p>As soon as they were through the stone gates, Phoebe gestured towards the bench they’d sat on last time.  “Over there.  It’s hidden better.”  She glanced up at him.  “I know this is very cloak and dagger but I’m not taking any chances.  Come on.  Please sit.”</p><p>Once again Chakotay let her sit down before taking his place beside her.  He frowned at her small smile.</p><p>Phoebe just shook her head.  “You’re a real gentleman.  It’s rare.”</p><p>He smiled with her a moment then let it slip from his face.  “What’s wrong, Phoebe?  Your message sounded urgent.  Is Kathryn all right?”</p><p>She sighed heavily.  “Mom was going on at her all morning.  She’d been in Daddy’s study on the comm unit but refused to say who she’d been contacting.  Mom demanded to know and when she got no answer, she tried to trace the last calls and file attachments on the unit.”  She smiled proudly.  “My wonderful sister had encrypted everything.  You can imagine how well our mother took that.  It didn’t go down well at all.”  She let go of her smile.  “Katie must have encrypted or deleted her call to you from before as well because Mom doesn’t know she called you.”</p><p>She leaned forward, her face serious now.  “I knew within a short time that, once back, things between Mom and Katie were going to go one of two ways.”  She shrugged at his frown.  “She’d either lie down and take it or she’d snap.”  She shook her head.  “Well, Katie isn’t playing along.  She’s not playing ball – not playing her part or role.”  She looked at him.  “This time she snapped.”</p><p>Chakotay sat forward, deep worry on his face.  “What do you mean?”</p><p>She laid a hand on his wrist.  “Has she been in touch with you at all?”</p><p>He shook his head.  “No.  I haven’t heard a word from her.”</p><p>Phoebe ran a hand over her face.  “Katie and Mom really got into it and she left.  I think Mom is sure her errant daughter will come back and slot into place and do what she’s told…or she will if Mom has anything to do with it.  I’m sure that to her this is just a little bump in the road…Katie having a little tantrum.”</p><p>Chakotay rubbed at his face.  “How long has she been gone?  Did she take her comm badge?”</p><p>Phoebe shook her head.  “Tried that.  She left it behind.  I have it safe.”  She looked round at him.  “We found out what her call was though.”</p><p>He studied her closely.  “Was it to me or one of the crew?  Is that why your mother’s so upset?”</p><p>Phoebe rolled her eyes.  “Oh, she WAS upset before.  What she is now…  Upset doesn’t come close.”  She studied her hands a moment and picked at some loose skin down the side of a nail.  “We had a visitor.”  She looked at Chakotay and saw him frown.  “Admiral Paris called to the house.”</p><p>Chakotay felt something stir in him.  “What did he want?”</p><p>Phoebe sat back then locked eyes with him.  “Katie sent her resignation to him.  That was her call.  He was looking to talk to her.”</p><p>Chakotay shot forward.  “She resigned?”</p><p>She just nodded.  “Mom’s desperately trying to keep all this hidden.  Owen said he can’t delete it but that he’d keep it quiet for the moment so that will suit her.  It will appease her for the moment anyway.  She’s threatening Katie with all sorts when she gets her hands on her.”  She shook her head and studied the man beside her.  “You didn’t know anything about this?  She didn’t say anything to you before she did this?”</p><p>Chakotay placed his elbows on his knees and rubbed at his face.  “Nothing.  The only time I spoke to her was that call I told you about when Seven was there.”  He shook his head.  “I can’t believe this.”</p><p>Mimicking his actions, Phoebe sighed.  “Mom’s hitting the roof, needless to say.  Owen calmed her down by assuring her he’ll keep all this on ice as long as he can.”</p><p>Deep worry was etched on Chakotay’s face as he sat back.  “So where’s Kathryn now?”</p><p>Phoebe shook her head and sat back also.  “I don’t know.  Mom was screaming at her earlier before Owen came.   She said some terrible things to her, mainly about you.  She accused her of letting you fuc…”  She blushed.  “She accused her of having a relationship with you…of contacting you.  Anyway, Katie walked off and I followed her into Daddy’s study.  He had a private transporter pad.  I saw her just as she was about to transport away.  She was really upset and said she was sorry and that she’d call me…that she had to get away.  She was gone before I could say anything.  Mom didn’t see her leave.  Too busy still ranting in the other room.  I just quietly opened the front door then slammed it and said that Katie had left, probably to walk it off.”</p><p>Chakotay sat forward again.  He swallowed his anger at Kathryn’s mother in order to concentrate on the matter at hand.  “Did she have anything with her?  Were you able to check where she transported to?”</p><p>She sat forward also.  “I know she transported to a station near Headquarters.”  She sighed heavily.  “Don’t worry.  I was thinking clearly enough to erase the records.  She could have gone anywhere from there although she had nothing with her.  I have her ID and stuff.  I just don’t know, Chakotay.”  She studied his face.  “You’re worried.”</p><p>He sat back once more.  “It’s as you said…that all along it seemed that none of us got prison.  Kathryn did though.  We just didn’t know it at the time.  You were right about that.”  He looked worriedly at Phoebe.  “Yes, I’m worried.  I’m worried about her on her own in this state.”</p><p>Phoebe’s face paled.  “Chakotay, you don’t think she’d…?”</p><p>He shook his head.  “No…not that.  She respects all life too much.  I just don’t want to think of her out there alone in that state of mind.”  He thought a moment.  “Can we ask someone else to help?”</p><p>Phoebe shook her head.  “Doubtful.  My mother has her spies everywhere…at least it always feels like that.”</p><p>He sighed heavily.  “So outside of us…who else will look for her?  Starfleet?”</p><p>Phoebe actually snorted at that.  “No.  No way.  Mom will, in her arrogance, deny any problem and even if she is seeing one, Starfleet will be the last to know.  She won’t want this coming out or risk it becoming public knowledge.  I mean, the shame.  We couldn’t have that on her record.  Owen knows but he’s well under her thumb.  Besides, I’m not sure Katie herself would want Starfleet knowing about this or having anything listed on her file whether she resigns or not.”</p><p>Chakotay tried to sort his thoughts and push down his worry.  “What about Owen Paris on his own then?  He seems to care about her.”</p><p>She brushed her hair back from her forehead.  “Yes, he does but I’m not sure I trust him.  I think even he’s afraid of my mother.”  She met his eyes.  “Look, Mom has the wool pulled over his eyes as well.  He buys into the poor widow act.  Daddy was his best friend so I think he feels an obligation.  Also, I think he blames himself over his and Katie’s capture by the Cardassians.  I feel Mom knows all that and uses it.  She’s no fool.”</p><p>She reached over and squeezed his hand.  “Look, I’ll help you look for Katie.  Getting away from the house is a problem but surely between my knowledge of the woman from before and what you know of the woman from Voyager, we have to find her.  If my mother comes to you, which I doubt she will, just tell her you haven’t seen my sister, which isn’t a lie.  Let her know that you accept what she said at the house before, that you’re leaving after the ball and once the crew is settled.”</p><p>Placing his free hand over Phoebe’s, he smiled softly.  “The crew then.  We’ll find her.”  He saw her concern.  “Phoebe, you don’t know these people.  They’ll help us look for her.”</p><p>She shook her head.  “No.  The less who know the better.”</p><p>Chakotay reached up and cupped her cheek.  He swallowed the lump he felt forming in his throat as he looked into eyes so like Kathryn’s.  “Phoebe, you really don’t know your sister’s crew.  You don’t know their loyalty to her.  You think your mom is ruthless?  You haven’t met this lot when their captain is in trouble.  They’re unstoppable.  They’d die to protect her.”</p><p>He removed his hand and placed it back over hers.  “While Kathryn may not be thinking straight, I still have a good idea of how her mind works, especially if she’s feeling vulnerable.”</p><p>Phoebe closed her eyes a moment.  “You know…if Katie has had a breakdown, full blown depression or whatever…”  She pulled her hand free and wiped at her eyes.  “If it can’t be hidden and fixed, Mom will probably disown her…which might well be a blessing.”  She shrugged.  “That or she’ll have her put away somewhere.”</p><p>Chakotay stared at her in disbelief.  “Oh, come on, Phoebe.”</p><p>She smiled tearfully.  “You think I’m joking?  I know it sounds shocking but I wouldn’t put it past her.  I truly believe she’d happily see my sister committed as suffering from some terrible Delta Quadrant disease.”  She huffed out a breath.  “Contracted in the line of duty, of course.  That or she’d explain her absence as her being on some secret mission.  Anything but having the truth known.”  She sighed and checked the time.  “I’d better get back.  I told her I’d look for Katie on the trails of her usual walks.  She, of course, went off to meet her friends.  Denial and appearances as usual.”</p><p>Chakotay walked her to the station and gave her a hug.</p><p>She smiled tiredly at him.  “I’ll call you later.  Contact me if you hear anything.”</p><p>He squeezed her shoulders.  “I’ll talk to a few of the crew.  Trust me.  We’ll find her.”</p><p>She tried to look as if she believed that.  “I hope you’re right.”</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Phoebe was barely back at the house before Gretchen arrived home.  She stormed into the kitchen and threw her bag and scarf on the table.  “Well, did you find that little madam?”</p><p>Phoebe sighed and shook her head.  “No.  I walked all over.  There was no sign of her.  I just checked the house as well in case she came back here while we were out.”</p><p>Gretchen stood there, her hands on her hips.  Phoebe almost wanted to laugh.  The stance was all Kathryn.  “When I get my hands on her…  How dare she do this to me.  I’ll make her pay for this carry on.  She’d better come to her senses because if she doesn’t, I’ll bloody disown her.”</p><p>Phoebe instantly flashed back to her conversation with Chakotay.  “She probably just needs some time to herself.”</p><p>Gretchen glared at her daughter.  “She’s being a selfish bitch.”  She drew in a deep breath and ran a hand through her hair.</p><p>Phoebe tried to defend her sister.  “Mom, she’s been through a lot.  Seven hard years.  It would depress anyone.”</p><p>A finger jabbed in her face.  “Don’t you dare use that word.  It’s all this sitting around doing nothing.  She needs to get back to work and shake off her prissy mood.  That will sort her.”</p><p>Phoebe dared to voice her thought.  “What if it doesn’t?”</p><p>The question hung in the air and seemed to shock the old woman for a few seconds before she reverted to type.  “Then we’ll have to make up some cover story for her.  I’ll have her put away somewhere until she learns to toe the line.”</p><p>Phoebe’s eyes widened in shock.  “Put away?  Mom…”

</p><p>Picking up her bag and scarf, Gretchen moved towards the stairs.  “We’ll just have to say she’s suffering from some disease or virus and needs treatment.  Something she picked up out there.  Something purely physical though.”</p><p>As Gretchen made her way upstairs, Phoebe walked into the kitchen.  She blew out a long breath as she moved to the back door and opened it.  She walked out onto the back steps and sat down.  She wondered if she was psychic or just knew her mother too well.  She looked down at herself and for a crazy moment was about to pat herself down in a search for a listening device, wondering if her mother had somehow had her bugged.  She shook her head.  If that was the case, she’d know about the meetings with Chakotay and if she knew about them, Phoebe doubted she’d be alive to have these thoughts.  She hugged her knees and knew she had to put her faith in Voyager’s First Officer and her sister’s crew.  She looked up to the sky and did something she only ever did regarding her sister.  She prayed.</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Chakotay sat outside the office of Admiral Owen Paris.  He smiled softly at the young ensign behind the desk.  She returned the smile.  “He won’t be long, Sir.”</p><p>He sat back and pondered his decision to come and see Admiral Paris.  He wanted to assess the lay of the land regarding what the man knew, if he knew anything.  He also needed to decide if he could trust him.  He was using the excuse of finding out if there were any decisions yet regarding the crew or a date for the ball but his real reason for the visit was to get a feel for Tom’s father.  He was good at reading people.  It had kept him alive this far, in the Maquis and through seven years in the Delta Quadrant.</p><p>He looked up now as the door to the inner office opened and the old admiral looked out.  “Commander, sorry to keep you waiting.  Please come in.”  He opened the door fully.  “Can I get you something?  Coffee or tea?”  He looked to his secretary.  “Linda…”</p><p>Chakotay stood and smiled at the dark-haired woman.  “I’m fine.  Nothing for me, thanks.”</p><p>Owen Paris smiled at the ensign.  “That’s fine, Linda.  I’ll grab something inside.”</p><p>He stood back and gestured for Voyager’s First Officer to precede him into the office.  Chakotay entered and then stood, waiting for his superior officer to indicate where to sit.</p><p>Owen surprised him and pointed towards some armchairs around a coffee table then closed the door before joining him.  “You’re sure I can’t get you anything?”
Chakotay remained standing and shook his head.  “Thank you, Sir.  I’m fine.”</p><p>Owen walked over to an armchair and pointed to another one.  “Please, Commander.  Let’s sit.  What can I do for you?”</p><p>Nodding his thanks, Chakotay sat.  “I wanted to know if there were any decisions about the crew?  Has a date been set for the ball?”</p><p>The older man smiled softly.  “Chakotay…  May I call you ‘Chakotay’?”  He received a nod.  “Thank you.  Please take my word that anything said here is off the record.  I just ask that you trust me and listen to what I have to say.”  He saw an uneasiness in the other man and leaned forward.</p><p>Feeling wary, Chakotay folded his hands.  “I’ll hear you out.  Is that OK?”</p><p>The admiral smiled again.  “That’s good enough.”  He leaned back.  “I have to tell you that I know what’s happening.  I know why you’re here.”</p><p>Chakotay frowned.  “I’m not following you.”</p><p>The old man sighed.  “I know what’s happening with Katie.”</p><p>A very guarded expression met the admiral.  “What do you know?”</p><p>Admiral Paris smiled knowingly.  “I know someone on a recognizance mission when I see one.”  He laughed.  “It’s OK, son.  You don’t have to say anything.  Katie trusted you so I trust you and I just ask that you trust me in return.”  He sighed heavily and stood.  He moved to the replicator and ordered a coffee.  “Are you sure you won’t have anything?”</p><p>Chakotay shook his head.  “I’m fine but thank you.”</p><p>Owen returned to his chair, took a mouthful of his coffee then put the cup down on the table.  He smiled sadly at Chakotay.  “Katie and Gretchen.”  He sighed.  “Gretchen, in particular.”  A sadness filled his face.  “I know the way she is and how she’s pushed Katie all her life.  I know how domineering and demanding she is with the girls.”</p><p>Chakotay had a wry smile on his face and took a chance.  “Someone else said something similar to me recently…much along the same lines.”</p><p>Owen smiled sadly.  “Phoebe.”  Chakotay didn’t answer.  “It’s OK.  There’s no need to say anything.  Being the second daughter has been a blessing for her.  Edward was my best friend and I know he worried.  We often talked about it.  He loved Gretchen but, in the end, it was more a ‘content’ marriage than a happy one.  I think he stayed out of duty or obligation and, of course, for the girls.”</p><p>He leaned forward and played with his cup.  “She thinks I don’t see through her.”  He looked across the room at nothing in particular.  “I was like that once…when I pushed Tom and was so hard on him.  I almost lost him.”  He looked back at Chakotay.  “Oh, I’m sure in Gretchen’s eyes, he’s ‘come good’ but I know now that I’d be happy if he worked at cleaning the streets if that was what he wanted to do.  We’ve been given a second change with our son thanks to you and Katie.  Gretchen will never reach that way of thinking.  She hid it well but I saw the way she looked at B’Elanna and Miral on the night of your homecoming.  Enough said.”</p><p>He twisted his cup around the saucer.  “Gretchen Janeway uses anyone and everyone.  She’s Starfleet through and through without ever having joined directly.  She’s not the only one, of course.  There’s a little club of them and they bolster each other up.  Thank God my Julia isn’t part of all that.”  He shook his head.  “Gretchen knows I felt and still feel guilt over Katie’s time with the Cardassians.  She’s always played on that.”</p><p>He blew out a long breath.  “I’ll come straight to the point.  Katie is like a daughter to me and I care for her just as much.  With Edward not here, I try to look out for her.  She’s been through a lot in her life, before Voyager and during it.  I think she’s long overdue for some real happiness.”</p><p>He met and held Chakotay’s eyes.  “I personally believe that Katie needs a new life and I believe that you’re part of the new life she needs.”  He laughed at the look of shock on the face before him.  “Chakotay, the eyes may be old but they still see things.  Apart from how highly she spoke of you in the logs and during debriefings, I saw the way she looked at you even though it was well hidden.”  He smiled.  “I’ve also overheard my son and daughter-in-law from time to time.”</p><p>Chakotay smiled at that.  He could just imagine what was said.  “B’Elanna has never forgiven me for dating Seven.”</p><p>Owen nodded at that.  “I’ve overheard her opinion on that too.  It’s impossible to avoid, even through walls.”  He sighed.  “Am I right in assuming that you’re no longer together?”</p><p>Chakotay closed his eyes a moment.  “We broke up and should never have been together to start with.  Not that we were living together.  She returned to Voyager at night to regenerate.  She was more like a visitor I was dating.  Long story.  The last day…  Kathryn vid called and Seven was beyond rude and spiteful to her.  We fought and I told her to get out.  I don’t know what I was thinking to ever start all that.”</p><p>The old man smiled sadly.  “B’Elanna blames it on you being lonely.”  He frowned slightly now.  “Did you know that she applied for a position on Vulcan at the Science Institute?”</p><p>Chakotay shook his head.  “No, I didn’t.  I haven’t seen her.”  He blew out a breath.  “That was quick.  She doesn’t waste time.”</p><p>The admiral leaned back a little.  “No, she doesn’t.  I checked and she was accepted straight away.  She’s actually already left Earth.  Not being officially Starfleet but being considered a Federation citizen because of her parents, she was free to leave Earth and travel where she wished.  On medical grounds, she was granted full ownership of her alcove and anything else she needed including access to Voyager’s Doctor if she needs him.  I spoke with the personnel and citizenship officer who organized her transfer and signed her off.  He well remembered her.  Said she stuck in his mind, apart from the Borg aspect.  She apparently told him that Earth had nothing to offer her, that she would never understand humans, that they were too illogical and emotional.”  They both smiled at that for a moment.</p><p>Chakotay shook his head.  “That about sums her up.”</p><p>Owen nodded.  “Please understand that I didn’t do that to invade your privacy but I needed to check that you were ‘free’ before I spoke to you like this.”</p><p>Chakotay held up a hand.  “It’s fine.  I understand.”  He sighed.  “I’m actually glad to know that.  I wish her well and I hope she finds what she needs there.”</p><p>Owen Paris leaned forward again.  “So that door is closed?”</p><p>Chakotay nodded at that.  “Firmly.”</p><p>The admiral blew out a breath.  “So, to continue then.”  He sighed and locked eyes with the man across from him.  “Chakotay, I believe you can save Katie.  She needs to leave all this behind her.  If she stays, Starfleet and her mother will swallow her whole and, in the end, spit out the bones.”  He smiled sadly at the expression on the face of the man before him.  “I’ve shocked you.”</p><p>Chakotay was stunned.  He scratched at his face as he tried to absorb what this man had just told him.  “Being shocked is happening to me a lot lately.”</p><p>Owen smiled at that.  “Phoebe again?”  He got a slight nod this time.  “Where’s Katie now?”</p><p>Chakotay was honest.  “I don’t know.  That’s the truth.”</p><p>Admiral Paris sighed.  “She wasn’t there when I called to speak to her about her resignation.”  He sat back.  “I take it you know about that?”  He saw that the other man knew about the situation.  “She sent it to me as a document only file so I didn’t speak with her.  I told Gretchen why I was there, which was a big mistake on my part.  Because it came from the house, I stupidly assumed she knew.  I should have known better.  I just wasn’t thinking.  Needless to say, Gretchen blew a gasket.  I only managed to calm her down when I said I’d keep it to myself and put it on ice.”</p><p>Owen laced his fingers together.  “Gretchen said she’d gone for one of her walks.  Phoebe said very little but there was something about her manner.  When I got back here, I checked…quietly.  Someone transported out of that house before I called using Edward’s transporter terminal.  I know the logs were erased at that end but I was still able to find out where the person who used it transported to.  It was the station at the north corner of Headquarters.  Edward always transported there so whether that destination was the first pre-programmed coordinates in the unit or the person meant to go there, I can’t say.  Anyway, I checked the surveillance logs there.  Being so close to HQ, they’re extensive.  It was Katie and she left the station but had nothing with her.    She didn’t come towards HQ but turned right.  Cameras had her for only a few minutes before she went out of their range.  I checked the location of her comm badge and it’s still at the house so there’s nothing I can do there.  Trying to trace her in any more detail, say by her bio signature, would involve others and raise questions.  She also wouldn’t count as a missing person because she left of her own free will.”  He saw from the man before him that very little of what he’d said was surprising.</p><p>He took another drink, made a face when he found it was cold and sat back.  “Are you looking for her?”</p><p>Chakotay scrutinized the admiral and decided that he trusted him…to a point.  “Yes, I am.”</p><p>Owen nodded at that.  “Who’s helping?”</p><p>Chakotay debated what to say.  “I have help.”</p><p>Admiral Paris nodded at that and smiled softly.  “Ahh…her other family…and Phoebe.”  He stood up and went to his desk.  He picked up a padd and entered something onto it then sat again.  “I told you Edward was my best friend and I’d do anything for him…even now.  Same goes for Katie.  I’ve had time to think about all this.”  He sighed.  “Look, when you find her and if she needs it, take her here.”  He handed over the padd.  “I know about Katie’s past depression even though Gretchen would deny it to the bitter end.  I also know she’s never had treatment and it doesn’t go away.  On top of that, our capture and then the past seven years and with the mandatory counselling not started…and being back with Gretchen…enough for her to leave the way she did…”  He pointed to the padd.  “This place…   It’s a…  It’s a place of rest.  It’s non-Starfleet.  A friend of mine owns and runs it.  It’s safe and strictly confidential.”  He stopped a moment and then seemed to make a decision.  “Between just the two of us…  After the Cardassians…  I spent some time there with my friend.”  He saw that Chakotay understood and smiled his thanks.  “They’re good people.”  He sat up a bit and shook his head as if shaking off memories.  “You can let me know.  My private contact details are on there too if you need anything or if there’s something I can do or help with.”  He hesitated a moment. “Legally, they’d have to contact her next of kin and depending on her condition, treatment would also be down to that next of kin.”</p><p>Chakotay absorbed that a moment.  “So her mother would still have control over her.”</p><p>A strange smile came to the older man’s face.  “Unless someone else was her legal next of kin.”  He saw Chakotay frown.  “Voyager’s logs and their contents are still active.  Nothing has been done with them, including the Doctor’s program and memory files.  Mission logs had already been sent by you from out there and once verified they were used for debriefings.  Any official documents drawn up on Voyager, a Starfleet ship I need to stress, remain active and legally binding here unless those directly involved changed them.”  He raised an eyebrow.  “Say perhaps a Power of Attorney…”  He saw the light go on in the other man’s eyes and smiled more broadly.  “I checked.  Nothing has been changed.”</p><p>A slow and knowing smile spread across Chakotay’s face.  “The documents Tuvok drew up for us all.  So legally I’m Kathryn’s appointed next of kin just as she’s mine.  We hold Power of Attorney for each other.”  He laughed.  “Admiral, you’re good.  You’re really good.”</p><p>Owen laughed also.  “Hopefully, it’ll make up for my earlier blunder.  And there’s an added bonus.  It’ll drive Gretchen crazy.”</p><p>The smile fell away from Chakotay’s face.  “I still need to find Kathryn though.”  He sighed and stood then extended his hand.  “Admiral, thank you for everything.”</p><p>Owen stood also and shook his hand.  “No thanks necessary.  Julia and I owe you both big time.  We have our son back, along with a wonderful daughter-in-law and a truly gorgeous granddaughter.  We’ll be in your debt forever for all that.”  He smiled warmly.  “You’ll find her, Chakotay.  I truly believe that.  You have a great team behind you.”  He gestured towards the padd.  “Call me anytime.  I’ll help in any way I can.  And I give you my word of honour that you can trust me.”  He laughed softly.  “B’Elanna would wring my neck otherwise.”</p><p>Chakotay laughed at that.  “She’s a force to be reckoned with all right.”</p><p>Owen moved to the door, Chakotay following him.  “Contact me when you find her.  If she needs it, I can transport you immediately to the clinic.  I’ll have my friend on standby but not give any names.  Prepare a message in advance and send it to me with your coordinates.  As soon as I receive it, I’ll lock onto your comm badge and transport you both.  Just send the word…”  He thought a moment.  “Send the word ‘Power’.  I’ll know.”</p><p>Just before the Admiral opened the door, he placed a hand on Chakotay’s shoulder.  “Good luck, son.  Look after her.”</p><p>Once outside Headquarters, Chakotay quickly made his way to his apartment.  He activated the padd Owen Paris had given him and read over it.  His contact details were there and the information on the clinic.  He smiled at most of the data, seeing now that it had been entered in advance of their meeting.  It explained all about the legal documents made on Voyager and how they related to Kathryn’s situation now.  Basically, it was a crash course in all aspects of the law regarding the Power of Attorney and related issues.  Chakotay shut off the padd and sat back.  He whispered to the empty room.  “Thank you, Admiral Paris.”</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Chakotay wasted no time in calling to see B’Elanna and Tom.  They were currently staying with Admiral and Mrs Paris and seemed well settled and content there which further put Chakotay’s mind at rest regarding Owen Paris and how much he could trust him.</p><p>Julia Paris brought them a pitcher of her homemade lemonade.  She then, without saying a word, grabbed Chakotay’s face, kissed his forehead and gave him a big hug.  Satisfied with that, she left the three of them in peace, only more than happy to take charge of her granddaughter.</p><p>They sat and drank a moment, looking out over the back garden, each admiring the beautiful array of colourful and fragrant flowers and shrubs.  B’Elanna laughed and looked back towards the house as they heard Miral squeal in delight over something.  “We may never get our daughter back.  They adore her.”</p><p>Chakotay smiled at that.  “I’m delighted it’s all working out so well for you.”</p><p>Tom sighed happily.  “It’s like a dream come true.  I never thought I’d see all this.”</p><p>B’Elanna leaned forward and played with her glass.  “I get the feeling this is more than just a casual call.”  She looked over at her old friend.  “What’s wrong?  This isn’t a social visit, is it?”</p><p>Chakotay sighed.  “No, it’s not.  I have a mission for us all.  Strictly confidential.”  He saw the worried looks on the two faces beside him.</p><p>Tom frowned.  “Chakotay, we’re on leave.  We haven’t been back that long and we’re just over debriefings.  Nothing has been decided by Starfleet about us all so how can…?”  He stopped.  “Just tell us what this is all about.”</p><p>Voyager’s former First Officer sat back.  “It’s not official and it’s a long story.  I’ll tell you what I can for the moment.”  He drained his glass.  “It started when Kathryn called me…”</p><p>He told them about their former captain’s call and Seven’s reaction and how he’d kicked her out and ended everything.  He didn’t miss the happy and relieved faces of the couple but they kept their thoughts on that to themselves for the moment.  “I called to see Kathryn at her home.  I was really worried.  For her to not be there for the ball and especially for the crew…and when she asked me to look after you all…”</p><p>B'Elanna nodded her agreement to that assessment.  “Is she all right?  We’ve been worried about her.  I mean, who can she talk to?  The counselling hasn’t started yet.”  She smiled over at her husband.  “Tom and I have each other and went through all that together.  We understand what it was like out there and are there for each other.”  She reached over and squeezed Chakotay’s hand.  “We’ve been worried about you too.”  She smiled sadly.  “Sorry, but Seven, despite having been there, was never going to be the supportive and comforting kind.”</p><p>Chakotay nodded his agreement to that.  “Your unspoken opinions on all that were correct.  It was the biggest mistake of my life.”  He sighed heavily.  “Anyway, it’s over.  She’s gone to Vulcan.”</p><p>B’Elanna almost snorted.  “Best place for her.”  She looked up.  “Sorry.”</p><p>Putting his glass down on the table, Chakotay shook his head.  “No.  You’re right.  Without sounding cruel, she’s better off there.  She was never going to fit in here.”  He ran a hand through his hair.  “The heartless way she spoke to Kathryn after everything she did for her…  I can’t forgive that.  I’m honest enough to say that it’s the closest I’ve ever come to hitting a woman.”</p><p>He drew in a deep breath.  “Anyway, I called to Kathryn’s family home to try and speak with her…”  He sat back and told them about the hostile reception he’d received from Gretchen Janeway and then about Phoebe’s note.  “I met with Phoebe and…  Spirits, what I learned.”  He told them the main points but glossed over many of the details.  When he looked at his two friends, he saw profound sadness.  “I met with Phoebe again, in a panic this time.  Apparently, things came to a head…”
He leaned forward and played with the empty glass on the table as he told them the rest of the story, about Kathryn’s resignation and about his meeting with Tom’s father.</p><p>Tom blew out a long breath.  “Good old Dad.  He keeps climbing in my estimation.”  He nodded to himself then stood up.  “OK.  This is the mission you spoke of then?  Finding her?”</p><p>Chakotay sighed sadly.  “It is.  I convinced Phoebe of it.  I told her that their mother was no match for our crew.”</p><p>B’Elanna stood angrily.  “Damn straight.”  She began pacing.  “I’ll get the word out very quietly and we’ll find her.  They’ll keep it to themselves.  They’re scattered around so can cover some good ground.”</p><p>Chakotay sighed.  “I don’t believe she’s left the country or gone too far.  I’d say she’s still in California…most likely close to San Francisco as she took nothing with her…no ID or anything.  I don’t think she’s deliberately hiding but more getting away from her mother.”</p><p>B’Elanna nodded her agreement to that.  “Makes sense.”  She smirked then.  “And once we find her, I’ll go and beat seven bells out of that old bat.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Word spread quickly amongst the crew to search for and find their captain.  No mention was made of why she needed finding and no one asked any questions.  They had a mission.  They dropped what they’d been doing and set off to fulfil their orders.  Mike Ayala coordinated everything and reported back to Tom and B’Elanna as the go between for Chakotay.</p><p>Owen Paris, when he was home, watched the comings and goings with pride.  He knew his friend’s daughter was in good hands.  Julia Paris was only too happy to keep babysitting while they worked.</p><p>Finally, it was B’Elanna who got the message from Mike that Marla Gilmore and Noah Lessing had reported seeing Kathryn.</p><p>Chakotay got to speak to Marla over an audio comm link.  “Where are you, Marla?”  He could hear over the link that she was outside somewhere.</p><p>“It’s a place called Blaskett Cove.  It’s not far from San Francisco…north of the city.  It’s a small holiday spot but it’s mostly closed up at the moment.  It’s off the beaten track.  I’ve sent the coordinates to B’Elanna.  There’s a transporter station beside a place called The Bean Pit.  It’s a small coffee shop but it’s shut as it’s out of season.”</p><p>Chakotay sighed, trying to control his hope.  “Have you eyes on her, Marla?  You’re sure it’s her?”</p><p>Her voice came back.  “It’s her.  No mistake.  I’ve moved away a bit to talk to you but Noah is watching her.  I can see him from here.  He’ll signal me if she moves.  She doesn’t appear to have seen us.”</p><p>He nodded at that.  “I’ll get there as soon as I can, Marla.  You have my permission to hold onto her if she spots you and tries to leave.”</p><p>A nervous voice came back.  “Sir, are you sure?”</p><p>He smiled softly.  “Marla, sit on her if you have to.  That’s an order.  Just keep her there.  I’ll be with you as quickly as I can.  Chakotay out.”</p><p>Chakotay smiled sadly as he looked at Tom and B’Elanna who’d heard everything.  “Trust Kathryn to be beside a coffee shop.”</p><p>Tom smiled also.  “The Bean Pit?  Cute name.”</p><p>Chakotay pulled out his small comm unit and his padd then contacted Admiral Paris who was in work at Headquarters.  He got an answer straight away.  “Admiral, we have a sighting.  I’m on my way now.  I’ll transport from your home if that’s OK.”  He kept the location to himself and Owen didn’t ask.</p><p>“That’s fine.  I’ll alert my friend.  Send that message when you need transport.  The moment I receive it, I’ll lock onto you both using your comm signal.  I have your details.  Have that message ready to send.  Just the one word.”</p><p>Watching Tom and B’Elanna, he nodded.  “Will do, Admiral.  I’ll get B’Elanna to send you the coordinates as well to be safe.  And thank you.  Chakotay out.”  He immediately set up the message with just the word ‘Power’ then input the send details with it and saved the lot.  He smiled at Tom.  “Send the coordinates to your dad.  I’ll check this out.  I don’t think Marla and Noah would make a mistake but I won’t build my hopes up until I see her for myself.  Hopefully, it’s her and when I get her ‘settled’ I’ll contact you again.”  He looked at B’Elanna.  “I’ll need you to contact her sister later.  I’ll give you the details as soon as I have Kathryn.  It would be best if a woman calls her, just in case the mother is listening.”</p><p>B’Elanna rolled her eyes.  “Then can I rip her apart?”  She looked at Tom then back at Chakotay.  “We met her briefly the night we got back.  We saw the way she looked at Miral and me.  It was like we were sub creatures.  She struck me as a right nasty bitch…the complete opposite of the captain.”</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Chakotay transported to the coordinates Noah and Marla had sent.  As soon as he exited the transporter station, cool salt air filled his nostrils.  He looked around and saw The Bean Pit which turned out to be a kiosk rather than a coffee shop.  It was shuttered up.</p><p>He heard a familiar female voice behind him.  “Commander?”</p><p>He turned towards the voice and smiled.  “Marla.  How are you?  It’s good to see you.”</p><p>Marla smiled warmly.  “I’m fine, thanks.  It’s good to see you too, Sir.”  She indicated towards a small wooden walkway which ran along the line of the beach.  There was a rocky drop down onto the smooth sand, varying in height from ten to twenty feet, rising up at the end to meet a low cliff top which seemed to have a building perched on a levelled area, possibly a small restaurant or tea room.  Dotted along the sand and backing up against the rocks were several small beach huts.
As they walked along the footpath, Marla pointed to the huts, painted in several different colours.  “They vary in size.  Some are just for changing and a quick wash.  Others you can spend overnight in for stargazing, night swimming or whatever.  They have a roll out bed, small sonic shower and toilet and a little replicator, according to our landlord.”  She pointed to a yellow hut.  “Noah and I have been using that small one but just for changing.  We’re staying at a guest house to the back of the transporter station.”</p><p>Chakotay nodded and looked over at her.  “You’re sure it’s the captain you saw?”</p><p>Marla nodded.  “It’s her all right.  Noah spotted her first.  We knew immediately it was the captain.”  She pointed further along.  “That light blue one and the dark green one beside it?”</p><p>Chakotay followed where she indicated.  “She’s staying in one of them?”</p><p>Marla shrugged.  “I don’t know.  Somehow, I don’t think so.  Noah thinks the bigger huts are all locked up.  We only got our one because we just need to change for swimming.  Our landlord owns it and lets us use it.”</p><p>Noah walked up to them.  “Commander.”  He looked at Marla.  “She’s still there.  Just sitting between the two huts, staring out to sea.Chakotay frowned at the young man.  “How long has she been there?”</p><p>Noah shook his head.  “We’ve been here a couple of hours.  We searched the area yesterday and earlier today.  We inquired at hotels and guest houses, checked rental homes but there’s hardly anyone staying here at this time of year.  We asked our landlord and the locals as well.  The area around here is mostly vineyards or farms.  There was nowhere else to look.  We came here for a swim and some lunch…sat up top to eat.”  He pointed at the cliff.  “We came back down about an hour ago because it was getting chilly up there.  We were going to have a quick swim in a while then search further afield after that.  As we walked along the path here, we were looking down at the beach.  That’s when we spotted her.  She’s sitting between two huts but she seems miles away.  Knowing you were looking for her, we didn’t draw attention to ourselves.”</p><p>Chakotay moved slowly along the path, the young couple following him.  “She doesn’t know you’re here at all?”</p><p>Noah sighed.  “To be honest, Commander, she doesn’t seem aware of anything around her.  She’s just hugging her knees to herself and staring out over the water.  I’m not sure she’s even seeing it.  She just seems…not aware of where she is.  Sorry.”</p><p>They reached the two huts Marla had already pointed out and Chakotay looked down, seeing the lonely figure of his former captain.  Her hair was blowing loose around her face but she made no move to push it back.  She was rocking slightly, totally oblivious to the presence of the three people watching her. 
Chakotay closed his eyes a moment.  “Oh Kathryn…”</p><p>The wind picked up, blowing in their direction and Chakotay knew that it would carry their voices away from the woman sitting on the sand.  He looked back at Marla.  “Have you a blanket or something warm?  Just in case she’s cold.”</p><p>Marla pointed to their bags and some towels and blankets.  “They’re not big.  The towels are bath sheet size but the blankets are just for sitting on."</p><p>Chakotay looked back down onto the beach.  “They’ll do.”  He studied the boulders where they stood and easily worked out a way down.  “I’ll go down on my own and see if…”</p><p>They were all stunned as Kathryn suddenly stood and made a run for the ocean.  The tide was coming in so she didn’t have far to go.  Chakotay kicked into action and was down to the beach in a matter of seconds.  As he hit the sand and made to run after Kathryn, his foot caught a loose rock and he went down.  He raised his head and saw her reach the edge of the water.  He was back on his feet and running when he saw her fall to her knees in the surf.  Just as he reached her, she sat back on her hunkers.  She dropped her head back and stared up at the sky.  An agonized scream left her mouth, a dreadful sound filled with pain and anguish.</p><p>Chakotay skidded down beside her and wrapped his arms around her.  “It’s OK.  I’ve got you.  Everything’s going to be all right.”  He wasn’t sure if she was aware of him beside her but her scream died away and was replaced by deep wracking sobs.</p><p>He pulled her against him and looked up to see Noah beside them.  The young man dropped the towels and blankets onto dry sand then helped his commanding officer lift Kathryn from the water.  He whispered to Chakotay.  “Marla ran back to the guest house to get something hot for her to drink.  Do you want to take her back there?”</p><p>Chakotay shook his head.  “No, but thanks.  I have somewhere to take her.”  He leaned down and swept Kathryn up into his arms.  “Grab those towels and blankets.”</p><p>They got her back to the huts then wrapped her in the towels and blankets.  Suddenly Marla ran up to them.  She handed a thermos to Noah and held out some clothing to Chakotay.  “A tracksuit and some dry underwear.  They might be a bit big but they’ll do.  They’re clean and dry.  Do you want me to…or can you…?”</p><p>Chakotay almost smiled.  “Help me.  She’s dry on the top half.  I’ll cover her with the towels and you pull her jeans and underwear off.”</p><p>They worked together and got Kathryn dried and changed in minutes.  She seemed to be coming back a little and stared at them both.  “What are…?”</p><p>Chakotay pulled the blankets back and slipped the tracksuit top on over the sweatshirt she wore.  “You got wet, Kathryn.  You’re fine now.”</p><p>Kathryn was still confused.  “Why are…?  Where…?”</p><p>He smiled down at her.  “You decided to visit the beach and tried to take a little swim.  You’re dry now.”</p><p>She looked from Chakotay to Marla and back again.  “Cold…”</p><p>Marla reached over to Noah and got the flask.  “Coffee, Captain.”  She half-filled a cup and handed it to Chakotay.  “There’s plenty more.  Just drink that first.”  
Chakotay held the cup and got her to drink.  The strong beverage seemed to kick start her senses.  After a refill, she seemed more with it and had stopped shivering.  She looked around her now.  “Marla?”</p><p>The young woman smiled.  “You just picked a place where we happened to be.  You’ll be fine now.”</p><p>Kathryn looked to her right and fixed on Chakotay now.  “Chakotay?  How are…?  I don’t understand.”</p><p>Chakotay smiled at her.  “I’ll explain in a minute.”  He looked behind him at the sound of running feet and saw Noah coming along the walkway.  The young man jumped down and handed him another pair of sweatpants and some briefs.</p><p>“Here, Commander.  I ran back and got these for you.  You’re as wet.”</p><p>Chakotay smiled at him.  “Thanks, Noah.”  He turned to Marla.  “We’ll be fine now.”   He handed her the flask.  “Thanks for everything.  I’ll get all this back to you as soon as I can.”</p><p>Marla shook her head.  “They’re our own things and it’s fine.  Just recycle them.”  She stood and smiled down at the two of them.  “Are you OK from here?”</p><p>Chakotay smiled his deep thanks to the couple.  “We’re fine.  Thank you both for all your help.  I’ll be in touch soon.”</p><p>They both nodded and smiled.  Marla took one of their bags and folded Kathryn’s wet jeans and underwear into it along with the plimsolls she’d been wearing.  She handed it to Chakotay.  “They’re wet and sandy.”  She then surprised him by leaning down and kissing the top of her captain’s head.  “Take care of yourself, Captain.  You’re in good hands.  We’ll see you soon.”</p><p>Kathryn smiled at them but was still a little confused.  “Thank you.”  The young couple nodded then left them in peace.</p><p>Chakotay watched them make their way back along the walkway, Noah’s arm around Marla’s waist.  He smiled to himself as he remembered his words to Phoebe about Kathryn’s crew.  He looked down at the woman beside him and saw her looking out to sea.  He stroked a hand down over her hair, tangled with the wind.  “Enough swimming for one day, Kathryn.  Come on.”</p><p>She turned and looked at him, a deep frown on her face.  “How did you…?  Where I was or…  Why did you…?”</p><p>He stroked her hair again.  “Phoebe came to me.”</p><p>She looked down at her hands in her lap.  “Phoebe?  Not…?”</p><p>He took her chin in his hand and raised her head to look at him.  “Not what?”  Suddenly he knew what she meant, at least he hoped so.  “Phoebe helped me.  I started the search.  The entire crew has been looking for you.”</p><p>Tears filled her eyes.  “Seven?”</p><p>He shook his head.  “Seven is gone.  She’s on Vulcan.  That’s all over and done with, such as it was.”  He stroked a finger over her cheek, still holding her chin.  “I’ll tell you later.  We have other things to deal with first.  Let’s get you out of here.”</p><p>She pulled back.  “I don’t want to go home.  It’s not home.”</p><p>He reached down and took both her hands in his.  “I know, Kathryn.”  He smiled softly at her.  “I know it all.”</p><p>Kathryn frowned deeply.  “How?”</p><p>He squeezed her hands.  “I’ll explain later.  Let’s just say I’ve gotten to know your sister.”  He pulled an arm free and slipped it around her shoulders.  “Look, there are other things to deal with first.  Just keep two things in your mind.  One is that I’m here for you.  Two is that I love you.”</p><p>She stared at him in shock.  “You do?  I thought once…”</p><p>Chakotay smiled lovingly at her.  “Yes, I do.  I always have.  Come on.  Just trust me.  We’ll talk later.  For now, home is you and me.  OK?  You need to rest.”</p><p>Her tears spilled over.  “I’m so tired…so very tired.”</p><p>He pulled her against him.  “I know, my love, but now it’s time to finally rest.”</p><p>As she leaned into him, he pulled his comm device from his pocket and quickly sent the already saved message to Admiral Paris to transport them to the clinic.</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Chakotay and Kathryn materialized in a private room at the clinic.  Chakotay looked up into the smiling face of a kindly man who appeared to be in his late fifties or early sixties.  There was a woman with him who seemed a few years younger.  Both were wearing casual clothing.  Chakotay stood then reached down to pull Kathryn to her feet.</p><p>The man stepped forward.  “I’m Alan McKenzie, Owen’s friend.”  Chakotay returned the smile.  “This is my wife, Beth.  She’s a nurse here.”</p><p>Chakotay instantly felt at ease with these two people.  “I’m Chakotay and this is Kathryn.”  He saw recognition on both faces but nothing was said.</p><p>Alan nodded to his wife.  “Let’s get Kathryn settled and then we can all talk.”</p><p>Chakotay smiled at the woman in his arms.  “You OK with that?”</p><p>Kathryn looked around her a moment then back at Chakotay.  “Stay with me?”</p><p>He kissed the top of her head.  “I’m not going anywhere.  Just let these people take care of you.  I’ll be right here or just outside the door.”</p><p>Kathryn gripped his hand tightly.  “Please stay here.”</p><p>He kissed her forehead.  “OK.  Right here.”  He looked to Alan who nodded.</p><p>Chakotay pulled the towels and blankets from around Kathryn.  Beth took them from him along with the bag containing the wet clothing and shoes.  He smiled at the woman.  “All that can be recycled except maybe her jeans.  I’m afraid they’re wet and sandy…as am I.”</p><p>Beth looked into the bag.  “I’ll stick them in the refresher.”</p><p>He looked down at himself and smiled then took the sweatpants and briefs Noah had given him.  “I’ll just change into these and give you my pants as well, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble.”  At Beth’s soft smile and nod, he dashed into the small bathroom and was back in under a minute.</p><p>Beth took his wet things.  “I’ll refresh these too.”</p><p>Over the next half hour, Dr. McKenzie, assisted by his wife, got Kathryn into a medical gown then checked her over.  He gave his new patient a full medical.  Beth then took over, escorting Kathryn into the small bathroom and assisted her in taking a shower and sorting out her tangled hair.</p><p>As Beth helped Kathryn, Chakotay asked Alan’s permission to replicate some shoes and  recycle his own damp and sandy ones.  He then spoke quietly with the doctor and gave him a brief background.  “You need to know that Kathryn has a history of depression.  I’ve only seen it once myself but her sister told me she’s had other times.  She’s had a hard time of it the past seven years too.”  He dropped his head to the side a little.  “You know we were lost for seven years in the Delta Quadrant?”</p><p>Alan nodded at that.  “I recognized your names and your faces…and along with the fact that it was Owen who contacted me…”</p><p>Chakotay sighed.  “It was no pleasure cruise out there.  It was damned tough at times.”</p><p>Alan scratched at his chin.  “There may well be that history but mostly what I’m seeing is exhaustion…emotionally and physically.  Let’s get her over that first, clear that out of the way.  We can then address any other issues.  She may just need time to recover from all she’s been through.  She could well just be overwhelmed with everything.”  He smiled softly.  “Once she has you and her family…”  He stopped at the look on Chakotay’s face.  “Have I said something wrong?”</p><p>Chakotay sighed heavily and gave Alan a brief outline of Gretchen Janeway and what Phoebe had told him.  “She had all that before from what I’ve been told and then we get thrown into the Delta Quadrant where she had seven years of stress and responsibility, all cut off from any backup except what she allowed herself from her crew.  She gets back and has six weeks of draining debriefings.  When she goes home, her mother takes up where she left off.”  He ran a hand through his hair.  “I only know some of what happened at home with her mother but it was bad enough for Kathryn to run and the woman I know doesn’t run from anything.”</p><p>Alan McKenzie thought about that.  “Things build up with us all at times.  They can feel as if they’re spinning out of control and sometimes, we just crack.”  He sighed.  “Look, for the moment I’d recommend letting her rest.  We’ll get her something to eat then let her have some quiet time.  Basically, let her take time to sort her thoughts.”  He tilted his head slightly.  “You know, ordinarily if she needed some treatment, I’d have to contact her mother or family members.  I don’t think I’ll have to do that though as she seems cognizant of…”</p><p>Chakotay held up a hand.  “The last thing she needs is her mother here.  Anyway…”  He took out his comm device and pulled up the Power of Attorney and other documents then showed them to Alan.  “Owen reminded me of all this.  I hold Kathryn’s Power of Attorney, just as she holds mine.  We’re also legally appointed next of kin for each other.”</p><p>The doctor read the documents over and nodded.  “That’s fine.  That’s all I need.”  He looked behind Chakotay and nodded at Beth who had stuck her head out of the bathroom door.  He smiled again at Chakotay.  “They’re finished.  Let’s just take it as it comes.  I believe though that she just needs a good rest.  Maybe counselling later.  If she wants that, I can recommend someone outside of Starfleet.  She may just need time to sort her thoughts and have a break from everything.  It’s like the old expression of a change being as good as a rest.  Let’s just see how it goes.”</p><p>Chakotay considered that.  “Sounds like a good plan.”  He looked around to see Kathryn come back into the room.  She wore a nightgown, dressing gown and slippers which the clinic had obviously supplied.</p><p>He took her hand and led her to the bed.  By the time he helped her get settled, Beth had replicated a bowl of vegetable broth and some bread.</p><p>Chakotay smiled and shook his head as he watched Kathryn finish her small meal.  She wiped at her mouth with her napkin then smiled softly over at him.  He rolled his eyes then looked at the doctor.  “Can she have coffee?”</p><p>Beth smiled at that as they all saw Kathryn’s eyes light up.  She got the nod from her husband then went to the small replicator in the room.  She looked back a moment and Chakotay supplied the answer to the unasked question.  “Black.  No sugar.”  She nodded and ordered the coffee.</p><p>Chakotay watched as the beverage was savoured and smiled.  “Kathryn is addicted to coffee.”</p><p>Kathryn finished her coffee and looked up at Alan.  “Thank you for everything.  I feel a lot better.”</p><p>Alan McKenzie smiled kindly.  “Physically, you’re fine, Kathryn.  Maybe a bit underweight and run down.  I think you’re also very tired though and could use a good rest.  In the meantime, I’d recommend you stay here a few days to get your feet back under you and then…”  He sat down on the edge of the bed, reached over and took the empty cup from her hand before handing it to Beth.  He smiled softly at Kathryn.  “I’ll be straight with you and tell you that I didn’t know who you were before you arrived.  Owen just told me to expect ‘a good friend’.  Once you got here, I recognized you.”  He held up his hands.  “Relax.  You’re safe here and everything is strictly confidential.  Knowing who you are though leads me to know that you’ve obviously had a very tough time over the past years but we’ll talk about that later.  For now, just rest.”  He leaned forward slightly.  “Would you like a mild sedative?”</p><p>Kathryn shook her head.  “No.  Thank you.  I’m tired anyway but I’d like to talk for a bit first.”  She frowned then.  “How did I come to be here?  You said Owen…”  She looked from the doctor to Chakotay.</p><p>Alan smiled and turned to look at Chakotay.  “You can answer that?”</p><p>Chakotay nodded.  “I can.”  He looked down at Kathryn.  “I’ll explain it all to you in a few minutes.”She simply accepted that.  “OK.”</p><p>Alan stood and nodded to his wife.  “Well, we’ll leave you to rest for the moment.”  He looked back at Kathryn then pointed to a panel at the side of the bed.  “Press the call button if you need anything.  It’ll alert either myself or Beth.  No one else will disturb you here.  Try and get some rest.”</p><p>Kathryn smiled softly at that.  “I will.  Thank you.”</p><p>Chakotay moved towards the bed then reached out and shook first Alan’s hand and then Beth’s.  “Thank you both so much.”</p><p>Once they were alone, Chakotay pulled a chair over to the side of the bed.  “How are you feeling now?  Any better?”</p><p>Kathryn sighed and nodded her head. “I feel a lot better.  I wasn’t thinking when I first got here but now I suddenly have all these questions and more keep coming.  I’m…”  She looked down at her hands a moment.  “The beach…  It’s coming back and…”  A pained expression crossed her face.  “What you must think…”</p><p>Chakotay reached out and squeezed her hands.  “OK.  Let me ask if you’d rather get some rest first?”</p><p>She shook her head.  “I have too many questions and…  Sorry.  My mind is all over the place.  I don’t understand half of what’s going on.”  She drew in a deep breath then let it out slowly.  “Everything’s a mess and confused and you’re all that’s familiar and…”  When she looked at him, there were tears in her eyes.</p><p>Chakotay leaned closer.  “I’ll explain everything but first…  Can I hug you?”</p><p>Her tears spilled over at that and she nodded then pulled her hands free and reached out for him.</p><p>He was there immediately.  He sat up on the edge of the bed and hugged her to him, one hand rubbing up and down her back, the other stroking her hair.  
Kathryn clung to him.  He expected her to sob or cry out as she had earlier but instead she was quiet.  He felt her breath on his chest and her tears soaking through his shirt.  Her silence told him just how deep her trauma was, how deeply affected she was by everything, the previous seven years and the past weeks back on Earth.</p><p>Finally, she pulled back and wiped at her face.  “Thank you.  I needed that.”</p><p>He smiled and brushed her hair back from her face, now clean and untangled.  He delighted in the fact that she’d let him hold her and wasn’t now embarrassed.  “You’re more than welcome.”  He stood and went to the bathroom and came back with a cool facecloth and towel.  He gently wiped her face then dried it.  “Better?”</p><p>She nodded.  “Much better.  Thanks.”</p><p>Chakotay brought the cloth and towel back to the bathroom then returned to his chair.  “Do you want to try and sleep or…”</p><p>Kathryn shook her head.  “Not yet.  I feel a bit more with it now.  I’m actually not that tired.  Well, I am a bit but strangely I feel charged or something.  Help me sit up better then tell me how and…  Just talk to me.  I’ve missed that so much.”</p><p>He stood and propped her back against the headboard with pillows then sat.  “A lot of what I know comes from Phoebe…”  He filled her in on all that had happened since her call to him to take over at the ball.  Her eyes never left his face as he told her about calling to her mother’s house then the meetings with her sister and all that had been imparted to him.</p><p>She sighed heavily at a lull in his telling.  “Dysfunctional family of the century or what?”</p><p>Chakotay shook his head.  “Kathryn, NO family is perfect.  So much happens behind closed doors so the rest of us just never know.”  He smiled softly.  “We all like to think our own families are perfect or we at least present that image to the world.  Families are made up of people and people are all different.  They have different ways and means with everything.”</p><p>She sighed at that and played her fingers together.  “I suppose.”  She looked back up.  “You must think – well, a grown woman letting her mother control her and…bully her.  That seems so weak.  I can stand up to alien dictators but…”</p><p>He sighed heavily.  “Kathryn, she’s your mother.  Our parents are there with us from the start and we grow up doing what we’re told.  It’s ingrained in us.  We’re told that it’s what good kids do and that it’s the right thing to do.  We’re taught to respect them and believe that they know best…to be loyal to our families above all else.  We grow up thinking that going against our parents is like going against nature.  Look at the Kazon and where that can lead.”  He shrugged.  “It’s simple and necessary when we’re children but later…it’s complicated.  I look at my own relationship with my father.  I went against him and while I felt I had to follow my heart, I’m still conflicted about that and I always will be. I’ll always feel I betrayed him and abandoned my family.”  He smiled sadly at her.  “You went from your parents to Starfleet so in a way you’ve spent your life taking orders and obeying them without question.  It’s ingrained in you.   Parents have to…  I don’t know.  There’s a line between controlling and guiding.  We should lead first, then guide and advise.  It’s about letting go and trusting we’ve taught our children well so that they can find their own way and make their own decisions.  Parents should be there to help and advise if needed but we need to hand over control to our kids so they can make their own way.  We should let them make their own mistakes, no matter how hard that is to watch.  If they fall, we can help them back up but…”  He shrugged again.</p><p>Kathryn sighed heavily.  “My father was like that.  I think I told you about it.  He always believed in letting us make our own mistakes and learning from them.  Mom just didn’t accept mistakes at all.”</p><p>Chakotay nodded as he remembered her telling him about that after the alien and his matrix.  “Your father’s way was healthy.  What’s not right is trying to live vicariously through our children or live off them and I think that’s what your mother is trying to do.  It’s your life, Kathryn.  No one else’s.  And it’s certainly not hers.  You do what’s right for you and you live for yourself only.  Loving someone means encouraging them to do that and letting them do it.”</p><p>She looked around the room as she digested all that.  “You’re right in all you say.”</p><p>He could almost see her thoughts working themselves out and gave her time to sort them.  She looked back at him and gave him a sad look.  “As hard as it was out there…  It’s complicated.”  She drew in a deep breath.  “My life, in all that entailed…my own happiness and so on…”  She shook her head.  “It may sound dramatic but the Delta Quadrant felt less of a danger…”  She frowned.  “No.  It felt less of a threat to me personally than being back here with my mother and Starfleet.  I felt ‘safer’ out there.  I had control of my own decisions.  Back here, I feel I have none.  I feel more threatened here.”</p><p>She played her fingers together.  “As I say…  It’s crazy but in some ways I was happier out there than I’d ever been here.  I had a freedom I’d never had before.  There was no one constantly looking over my shoulder, watching me or checking my every move.  I mean, there were times, especially as a child and a teenager when she’d tell me what to wear, how my hair should be, my make-up…how to act or who my friends should be.  Every aspect.”</p><p>She shrugged.  “Phoebe had the same.  We were like actors being directed in every move by this tyrant…clay being moulded to her design.  So being out there was a kind of personal freedom…an escape.  While I had no control over the dangers we faced out there, I had personal control, control over myself, if that makes sense.”  She sighed.  “Oh, I know the responsibility was…suffocating at times.  And it was often damn lonely…”  She smiled softly at him.  “…and I know it didn’t have to be like that.  I just felt I couldn’t do both.”  She clicked two fingernails together then looked at him sadly.  “On the other side though…the down side…  I stranded you all out there and took seven years out of your lives.  And the battles and the guilt of the losses.  I’d rather have had what I’d had here a hundred times over than put you all through that…”</p><p>Chakotay placed a hand over hers, stilling her movements.  “Kathryn, believe it or not, I think you’d find that none of us would change being out there.  We wouldn’t change the people we’ve become because of it.  We wouldn’t change what we saw or learned and most of all we wouldn’t change the family we’ve become.  We’re all better people for it.  Of course there was hardship and loss but there were also many gains.  That’s life anywhere for anyone.  I know for myself and the other Maquis…  I think it’s safe to say that being out there saved our lives and that’s probably true for the Starfleet crew also.”</p><p>Kathryn sighed and didn’t looked convinced of his words.  “Maybe – yet for me to believe that feels like a cop out, like it absolves me of responsibility or something.  Besides, I didn’t save all your lives…”</p><p>He sat forward at that, his expression deadly serious.  “Don’t go there, Kathryn.  You have no way to know what our lives would have been like otherwise.  No one can ever know that.  People torture themselves with ‘if I’d done this instead of that’ and so on.  That can lead to madness.  To my way of thinking, life unfolds as it’s meant to.  I believe there’s a reason for everything.  We accept the hand we’re dealt, we play it and make the best of it.  Kathryn, what you achieved out there…  You were extraordinary.”</p><p>She dropped her head.  “No, I wasn’t.  I was flawed.  The mistakes I made…”  She looked back up.  “You see, I’ve always felt…  When I signed up to Starfleet, I knew I’d be dictated to by them and that I’d have to obey orders because it was necessary…vital even…but that was my own freely made decision, whereas with my mother, I was born into it and had no choice.  Sometimes I think the two are closely related and I just didn’t see it.  So…I see it as having volunteered for Starfleet orders but not my mother’s.  If Daddy saw how she was…  I think she hid it from him and what he did see, I guess he bought as being what I wanted.”  She stopped a moment and smiled softly.  “Sorry, I wandered there.”  She shrugged.  “Either way, I was raised to believe, and of course later with Starfleet, that I had to be the complete package.”</p><p>He squeezed her hands again.  “Kathryn, NO ONE is the complete package.  They can appear as if they are but they’re not.  Look at the strongest tree.  Sturdy trunk, strong limbs but there are always weak branches.  They’re usually well covered by leaves, their smallness and fragility hidden.  To the observer, they see a strong tree but it’s not.  None of them are but the strong parts prop up the weak.  Some of us are evergreens so our weak branches are always hidden and some are deciduous and our weak branches show at certain times when they lose their leaves.”</p><p>He sighed and shook his head.  “That complete package you speak of is made up of the strong and the weak in us all.  You know the old saying, something about the strongest ear of corn being the one that bends.  The rigid ones snap and break.  I remember something by Confucius even about the green reed which bends in the wind being stronger than the mighty oak which breaks in a storm.  Even tall buildings and structures are strong enough to withstand wind and seismic movements because they’re built with some sway or give in them.  Do you want other examples?”</p><p>He earned himself a smile.  “OK.  I get the message.”</p><p>He gave a small laugh.  “Good because I was running out of examples.”  He lifted one of her hands and brushed his lips across her knuckles.  “What else do you need to know?”</p><p>She thought about that a moment as she looked down at their joined hands then back at him.   “What about Owen Paris?  How is he involved?”</p><p>He sat back a little, letting go of her hands and smiled almost guiltily at that.  “I went to see him.  He saw through the reason for my visit and shocked the hell out of me…”  He told her about his visit to the admiral.  “He actually told me…reminded me…that we hold Power of Attorney for each other.  I was and am ready to invoke it in order to stand up to your mother and fight her for you if she tries anything.  I showed it to Alan and he accepts it.  He knows we’re legal next of kin to each other.  He won’t call her.”</p><p>She looked off into the distance a moment.  “I’d forgotten all about those.  Owen’s a smart man.”</p><p>Chakotay nodded his agreement.  “He’s been great.  Phoebe’s impression and opinion of him will have to change.”</p><p>She absorbed all he told her.  “How did you find me?  I seem to remember Marla and Noah there.”</p><p>He smiled gently and related how he and the crew had searched for her and how the young couple had found her at the beach.  “Owen arranged about getting you here.  Alan is a good friend of his and owns this place.  They go back years apparently.”</p><p>She thought about that.  “So it’s that sort of clinic.”  At his frown, she smiled sadly.  “I’m just putting two and two together.  It’s not common knowledge but some do know.  It’s a mark of respect to Owen that no one ever speaks of it.”  She looked towards the window.  “I know what he went through when we were captured.  I heard…”  She looked back and shook her head sadly.</p><p>Chakotay reached over and took her hand again.  “He alluded to that.  You had your own trauma from that as well though.  You never saw anyone for counselling after it?”</p><p>Kathryn laughed sarcastically at that.  “Are you serious?  In my family?  It was available but I didn’t take it up and Starfleet didn’t push me on it although they should have.”  She looked down at their hands.  “No weakness allowed with my mother.  She acted as if nothing had happened and so did Daddy, probably on her word, so I just did the same.”  She sighed heavily.  “I struggled with guilt and depression on and off all my life.”  She looked at him sadly.  “You saw it and I can admit it to you now.”</p><p>She licked at her lips to moisten them.  “Guilt drove me to get the crew home, which was a good thing but it also made me deny myself a life out there.  Some of that guilt also relates to you.  It made me deny you a relationship…made me keep you at arm’s length.  Of course, the payback for that was I also hurt myself.  I guess guilt is just ingrained in me.  It’s followed me all my life.  Well, with my mother….”  She played a finger over his.  “Oh, in the early days…  She was my mother, and as you said, you do what your mother tells you to do, especially when the rest of her family went along with it.  Daddy didn’t have much in the way of family so I was always outnumbered with the exception of my sister but she was younger and in the same boat in many ways.”  She shrugged.  “Living like that was all I knew.  For a long time, I assumed my friends’ families were the same.  I rarely went to their houses and they certainly never came to ours unless it was for a well-planned birthday or something.  Mom insisted I came home to study if I wasn’t taking part in some extracurricular activity she approved of.  I always wanted to please my father so joining Starfleet was for him but it was for me too.  It was all I ever wanted and if I’m honest, part of it was an escape from home.  At the Academy, I could be me.  I missed Phoebe but nothing else.  Daddy wasn’t home enough to miss.  I think I actually saw more of him on campus than I did at home.  Mom could still push and control from afar though.  She somehow seemed to know every aspect of my days and was always calling to ‘check up’ on me.  Even when I got my own home, she was forever coming by and tried to tell me how to decorate it.  She forever seemed to find out my security code so I was always changing it.  I told her it was for security reasons.  It never stopped her though.”</p><p>She swallowed her tears but kept hold of his hand.  “After Daddy and Justin died…  Oh, now THAT was guilt.  I’d tasted it before but it was nothing to this.  Not getting 100% in a test and facing Mom or being late home…making mistakes and not pleasing her with something.  I felt such guilt for all that and she actually encouraged that in me to push me to do better.  That bled over into my inner self because I’d feel guilt for thinking badly of her when she pushed me.  She raised me on guilt which I guess explains a lot.  This though…  This overwhelmed me.  I was drowning in it.  I know I was depressed but it wasn’t addressed.  That was considered a weakness that wasn’t allowed so it was pushed away.  She denied it and so did I…just like before.  This time though if anything showed, it was passed off as grief which would look natural.”</p><p>She sighed heavily and shrugged.  “After that, when I’d recovered and was back at Starfleet…that guilt drove me again.  I felt I had to do twice as well, had to do it for my father.  Mom saw that and ‘encouraged’ it all the way, just as she always did.  She never talked about what had happened, never asked me about it.  Oh, I’m sure she was given the details but…  I think she…  Mom doesn’t do the emotional.  You pull up your boot straps and get on with it.  She did her best to ignore my grief and yes, depression.  Grief should always be stoic.  No emotional outbursts or overt shows of it.  She was raised to that.  That was what she saw all her life.” 
She smiled sadly.  “I knew a girl at the Academy.  She was from San Francisco but she’d grown up in England, her father stationed there.  She told me about something she called ‘the British stiff upper lip’, this outward and strong image you present to the world.  It goes way back.  It can be good in certain situations, on duty or at certain times.  In private, it’s dangerous.  To apply it across the board…you may as well be a Borg drone.  You need the balance.”</p><p>Chakotay squeezed her hand as she frowned.  “I know I do get depression but I think it’s mostly circumstantial depression.”  She shrugged and gave a small smile.  “Is that a thing?”  She licked at her lips.  “I use the word ‘depression’ but not in how I understand the word in a full medical sense.  Maybe depression is the wrong word although whatever it is, it mimics it.  It feels more like getting very down and I go into myself.  I withdraw into my own space.  It’s what’s happening around me – things I can’t control.  Things and people like my mother, pushing and controlling me.  At certain times it just gets too much and I pull back.  I never feel depressed or that way for no reason and I’m usually fine as long as I’m busy, in control and my mind is occupied.  The time in the void…I just had no distractions or control of the situation and I had my old friend guilt for stranding you all out there so…  As to our seven years out there when we got back, I had no time to deal with those years or all the stuff from them.  I just shut it all away.  I was also back at home with Mom because my own home had been sold when we were declared lost.”  She shrugged.  “There’s a good reason counselling is mandatory after long or arduous missions...when people attend for it, that is.”</p><p>She lay back a little but kept hold of his hands.  “So when we got back and debriefings were finally over…  I should have been able to deal with and address all that then but…”  She looked sadly at him.  “Home was back to Mom pushing and pushing, trying to control every aspect of my life.  It was like rewinding back in time but I had those seven years I couldn’t forget or deal with on top of it.  She went on and on about the ball and how I’d be promoted and needed to leave you all behind me.  She even had an ‘escort’ lined up for me.  It all just wore me down and I withdrew.  I needed time to deal with everything and try to heal and…  She was never going to allow anything like that though.  In her mind, I should just be able to take up where I left off.  And some of the things she said...”  She met his eyes.  “I began to feel as if I was unravelling and there was no outward distraction or nowhere to go except for a walk.  The days were empty.  I called you to take over at the ball and look after the crew although I’m not completely sure why.  I think I saw it as a first step in some plan that I’d only half an idea of.  I know I missed everyone badly but at the same time I couldn’t face seeing you all because that would hurt too much.”</p><p>She paused to draw in a deep breath.  “Resigning came next after…  Things were just building and I needed to get out from under it all but I’d no firm idea of how to do that.  I sat in my father’s study and looked around and saw my future, all mapped out for me by my mother and Starfleet and there was no room for ME in all that.  I’m not sure I even knew who that ME was or could be.  I just suddenly knew I had to get away from all that or I’d never have any happiness in my life.  After another blow-up with her, I transported to a station at Headquarters because that was the first coordinates that came to me and they were programmed in already…and also because those stations are a hub for going anywhere else.  Then I thought a second transport could be traced too so I just left the station and walked.  I remember thinking about my father and happier times, days from childhood and then I remembered a beach we used to go to.  I finally remembered the name…Blaskett Cove… so I headed there.  We had good days there.  Well, they were good in some ways although Mom hated them.  She always tried to stop us running and playing, tried to stop us being normal children.  I think I felt that going back there was a way to undo the bad memories of the place with Mom and try to revisit the good times with Daddy.  I don’t remember how I got there but I know I sat and watched the sea without my mother telling me that doing that was a waste of time.  I also remember running to the water and screaming, somehow thinking that I could do that and she couldn’t stop me.  Screaming felt like a release.  Does that make sense or does it make me mad?”</p><p>Chakotay lifted her hand and kissed her fingers.  “It makes you someone who set yourself on a path of self-preservation, whether you were aware of it or not.  You’re a real fighter but you usually just fight for others.  I’ve never seen you fight for yourself.  Thankfully you did this time.”</p><p>She blushed and gave him a small almost shy smile.  “God, Chakotay, I don’t know where all that came from.  I never talk that much.  Thank you.  I’ve missed talking to you so much.  You’re better than any counsellor.  I know it was all over the place, bits here and there and back and forth.”  She smiled.  “It certainly wasn’t in chronological order.”</p><p>He kissed the back of her hand.  “It’s long overdue then and I’m honoured it was me.  You can always talk to me…tell me anything…ask me anything.  You know that.”  He saw her draw in a breath but hesitate.  He stayed quiet and waited.</p><p>“I know and it’s so great that I can slip back into talking to you so openly no matter how much time has passed.”</p><p>He smiled loving at her, his joy at her words showing clearly.  “That means so much to me.”</p><p>She returned his smile and then grew serious.  “In that case then…can I ask…?  What about…?”</p><p>He knew what subject was next and saved her asking.  “Seven?”</p><p>She nodded at that.  “You don’t have to tell me if…”</p><p>He smiled lovingly.  “Yes, I do.  I want to.”  He sighed.  “I told Phoebe it was the biggest mistake of my life and it was.”  He shook his head.  “I don’t know what I was thinking in starting it…or agreeing to it even.  I guess I was lonely and couldn’t face being alone for what could have been the rest of my life.”  He squeezed her hands.  “And I did understand your position and why we couldn’t…”  He shrugged.  “Why I stayed and continued it after we knew we were getting home or when we got here?  The reason I…  Maybe it was obligation or I felt a sense of duty.  I don’t know.  It became more about responsibility and habit than a relationship.  I think it also became part pity even…that she’d be facing Earth alone and not be able to cope on her own.  I underestimated her.  She’d buy and sell us all.  In the end, she left in a right huff because I basically kicked her out…told her it was over and to get out.  Her parting shot was that I’d served my purpose.”</p><p>Kathryn smiled sadly.  “I guess we all did in her mind.  We all served our purpose.”</p><p>Chakotay shook his head angrily.  “The way she spoke to you.  I wanted to smack her.”  He looked down as she stroked his hand.</p><p>She shook her head.  “I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt deeply or feel like a betrayal but I have to let that go.  I don’t regret liberating her from the collective and trying to help her regain her humanity…”  She smiled sadly.  “Maybe I didn’t do as well as I thought with her.”</p><p>Chakotay wasn’t letting her think like that.  “You went above and beyond.  She was never going to fully integrate into humanity.  Too much time had passed.”  He played a finger up and down her thumb.  “Owen Paris told me she’s taken a position at the Vulcan Science Institute.  She’s a Federation citizen because of her parents and wasn’t officially Starfleet so she was free to go where she pleased.  She was also given her alcove and what she needed in relation to that.  She’ll be able to have access to the Doctor as well should she need him.”</p><p>She thought about that.  “Good.  I hope she’ll be happy there and that she finds somewhere she can fit in.”</p><p>He shrugged.  “I do too, just as long as it’s not near me.”  He drew in a deep breath.  “As I said, it was the biggest mistake of my life.  As I said, I can make the excuse of being lonely or that it became habit or something.  I don’t know.  I can only repeat that it was the biggest mistake and greatest regret of my life along with not being there for you, especially when we got home.”</p><p>He looked deeply into her eyes.  “Kathryn, I didn’t love her and we never slept together, thankfully.  Even back here she returned to Voyager and her alcove every night.  I’m not here on the rebound.  I need to stress that so much.  I’m here because I never should have bloody left or given up on you in the first place.  I want to be here for you because I love you.  I don’t want to own you.  I just want to matter to you.  I want to be here for you in any way you want or need.  I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”  He smiled.  “Sorry.  Is that too much?”</p><p>She blinked back tears and shook her head.  “No.  It’s wonderful to hear.”</p><p>He gripped her hands more tightly and took a leap of faith.  “Phoebe told me to take you away, build you a home, marry you and give you kids.  She spoke my dream.”</p><p>She looked shocked at that.  “That’s your dream?  You’d want all that?”</p><p>He smiled lovingly at her.  “Yes, I would.  I love you.”</p><p>“You love me in that way?  You’d want me like that?  You’d want to marry me?”  She seemed shocked but in a way that said she didn’t think she deserved it.  Her next words proved that right.  Her tears spilled over.  “But I’m broken.  I’m a mess.”</p><p>Her words deeply pained him.  “No, my love.  You’re worn out.  You need rest and some looking after.  You’ve taken care of 150 people for seven long years.  Well, you got them home.  You succeeded.  Now you need to let that go.  Now someone needs to care for you for a change until you get your strength back.  However, you are NOT broken OR a mess.  You’re the strongest person I know.  You just need to believe in yourself again.  You need to trust in yourself to know what’s right for you and do what’s best for you.”</p><p>He lifted his hand and cupped her cheek.  “Just accept my words, love.  Accept that I love you and that I’m here for you.  If you can forgive me, that is.”</p><p>Kathryn reached a hand up and covered his on her cheek.  “Chakotay, all that is the past.  I’ve spent too much time there and life is too short.  In my mind, there’s only the present and future now.  There’s nothing to forgive.  If you truly want me…will have me…I’ll welcome you with open arms.”</p><p>He pulled his hands away and stood then sat on the bed and pulled her into his arms.  “I love you with every fibre of my being, Kathryn Janeway.  I served you as your First Officer for seven years.  I want nothing more now than to serve you as your soul mate for the rest of our lives.”</p><p>They cling to each other for some time.  Finally, he pulled back and could see how tired she was.  “So…is that a yes?  Will you marry me?”</p><p>She leaned forward and brushed her lips to his.  “Yes.  Yes, I’ll marry you.  Nothing would make me happier.”</p><p>Chakotay’s heart sang and his smile was filled with love.  He kissed her softly.  “Thank you, my love.”</p><p>Despite the joy of the moment, he saw how tired and worn out she was, even if she tried to fight it and hide it from him.  He stroked her hair.  “You need to get some rest.  You must be exhausted.  With your permission, I should let your sister know that you’re all right.”</p><p>She nodded tiredly.  “Not my mother.  I’ll call her later.”</p><p>He kissed the tip of her nose.  “Just Phoebe.  Don’t worry.  We already have a contact system set up.”  He stood up and helped her settle down in the bed.</p><p>She smiled sleepily at him.  “You really have gotten to know my sister.”</p><p>He tucked the sheet around her.  “We have this wonderful woman in common.  Now sleep, Kathryn.  I’ll talk to Phoebe.”</p><p>She smiled softly.  “Love you.”</p><p>He kissed her again.  “I love you too.  Rest now.”  He smiled when he saw she was already drifting off.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>While Kathryn slept, Chakotay contacted B’Elanna, telling her that their runaway was fine and was sleeping now.  He then asked her to call Phoebe Janeway.  He gave her specific instructions, the contact details and how to enter them into her device as ‘Dora Art Supplies’, then tutored her in how to act and what to do and say.  He’d made some notes, a script of sorts, which he forwarded to her.  “No matter how it goes, take your cues from Phoebe.  Stay in character to be safe.  I don’t want Kathryn’s mother anywhere near her until she’s ready for that.”  B’Elanna assured him she’d do as asked.</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Phoebe was having a hard time hiding her worry as Gretchen continued to rant and rave.  “Where the hell is that little bitch?  She must have gone to the station and transported somewhere.  Probably to meet that scum.  If she has, I’ll tear her limb from limb.  I’ll rip her damned head off.”</p><p>She was surprised her mother hadn’t thought of checking the transporter in the house but knew that if she did, she’d find nothing.  She could well have already checked it and not seen anything in the records.  The sisters had used the padd many times over the years and knew well how to cover their tracks.  It had mainly been used by Edward Janeway, his wife preferring to take her own hover car or be picked up by her friends.</p><p>Gretchen moved closer to Phoebe.  “Have you heard from her and aren’t telling me?  Do you know where she is?”</p><p>Phoebe looked shocked and shook her head.  “I haven’t heard from her…and I have NO idea where she is.”  She held her mother’s eyes.  She wasn’t telling a lie anyway.</p><p>Suddenly they were interrupted by Phoebe’s comm unit.  She pulled it from her pocket and saw that the caller was ‘Dora Arts Supplies’.  She held the unit up.  “It’s work, Mom.  I need to take it.”</p><p>She moved away slightly.  “Hello?”</p><p>Gretchen walked over to her daughter and pulled the device down so she could see the caller identification details.  “Put it on speaker.”</p><p>Phoebe just stared at her mother.  “Seriously?”  The look on her mother’s face gave the answer to that.  Shaking her head, she did as told then spoke into the unit.  “Sorry about that.”</p><p>A woman’s voice came through.  “That’s all right.  I was looking for…Phoebe Richards.”</p><p>Phoebe nodded.  “That’s me.  I’m Phoebe.”</p><p>The woman answered.  “This is Dora Kennedy from Dora’s Art Supplies.”</p><p>Watching her mother, Phoebe answered.  “Yes.  Hello, Dora.  How are you?”</p><p>There was the sound of items being moved about.  “Fine.  Fine.  Thank you.  You spoke with my colleague, Chana, about some canvasses you were looking for?  I just want to let you know that she’s managed to locate them for you.  You can give her a call and let her know when it suits you to arrange collection.”</p><p>Phoebe nodded.  “Thanks, Dora.  I was despairing of finding canvasses that size.”</p><p>The woman went into a sales pitch.  “Well, we can get any size you require.  Non standard sizes may take a little longer to acquire but we always deliver.”</p><p>Under Gretchen’s now almost bored look, Phoebe smiled.  “That’s great, Dora.  Thank you again.  I need to make some room in my studio but it won’t take long.  I’ll call you when I can come by.  I’d also like to perhaps set up an account but I’ll discuss that with you when I call for the canvasses.”</p><p>The answer came back.  “I’d be very pleased to have your continued business, Phoebe.  We carry a full range of supplies and anything we don’t have, we can procure for you.  We pride ourselves on being able to source anything the artist needs.  I’ll talk to you when you come by.  We’re open daily from 09:00 until 18:00.”</p><p>Gretchen had at this stage moved away, seeming satisfied.  Phoebe left the unit on speaker though.  “That’s wonderful.  Thank you again, Dora.  I’ll call later.”</p><p>A flustered voice returned.  “Yes, over there.  No, by the door.  Sorry, Phoebe.  Yes, I’ll talk to you when you come by.  Take care now.”  At that, the call ended.</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Within ten minutes B’Elanna was back to Chakotay to let him know that his message had been successfully passed on.  “You were right to be cautious.  I could hear the mother at the start of the call.  She actually told Phoebe to put the call on speaker.  I could hear her.  Anyway, we both stayed on script and in character.  It’s all good.”</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Phoebe finally managed to make her call to Chakotay when one of ‘the coven’ called Gretchen.  Hearing her mother in the study, she slipped out the back door and moved away towards the small vegetable patch and herb garden her mother kept.  As she pretended to study the plants, she placed her call.  She smiled softly to herself.  “Dora.”</p><p>Chakotay answered.  “Can you talk?”</p><p>Looking behind her to check the coast was clear, Phoebe smiled.  “I’m away from the house so I can talk freely.  Your friend did a great job with her earlier call.”  She hesitated a moment.  “You found her?”</p><p>“We found her.”  The relief was evident in his voice.  “A place called Blaskett Cove.  Two crew members staying there saw her.  I went there and I have her.  I got her to a safe place.”</p><p>Phoebe looked up at the sky in thanks.  “How is she?”</p><p>Chakotay’s voice came back.  “She’s fine.  Tired and worn out but fine.  I didn’t call you earlier because I didn’t want to raise your hopes until I knew for sure.”  He sighed.  “I was worried for a while but she seems better now.  She’s had a full medical, a shower and something to eat.  We also had a good talk.  She’s sleeping at the moment.  As I say, I think she’s just worn out and needs some time to get back on her feet.  She’s tired after everything.  She needs rest and some peace and quiet.”
</p><p>Phoebe blew out a sigh of relief.  “Thank God.  Can I come see her?  Would that be all right?”</p><p>“Of course, it would.  Can you call and see Tom Paris?  He’s at Owen’s house.  You have the address?”</p><p>Phoebe nodded.  “I know the address.”  She frowned then.  “Why Tom?  And what if Owen’s there?”</p><p>Chakotay laughed.  “Just take my word for it that you can trust Owen Paris.  I’ll explain later.  Go and see Tom.  It was his wife, B’Elanna, who called you earlier, by the way.  They’ll tell you where we are.  It’ll be safer than sending you coordinates on your comm unit.”</p><p>Looking back to check she was still unobserved from the house, Phoebe sighed.  “OK.  That’s a good point and I’ll take your word for it on Owen.”  She hesitated a moment.  “Thanks, Chakotay.  I made the right decision in coming to you.  You’re good for her.  See you soon.”  She ended the call, deleted the record of it then made her way back into the house.</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Chakotay closed the call with Phoebe then contacted B’Elanna.  “Hey, B’El.  I just talked with Phoebe.  She’s going to call to see you and Tom.  Can you tell her where I am so she can come and see Kathryn?  I’ll send you the address and coordinates in a moment.”</p><p>“No problem, Chak.  We’ll give her all she needs.  As an admiral, Owen has his own private transporter pad as you know.  She can go from here.”  There was a brief silence before she spoke again.  “Look, I know this is down the line a bit but I was thinking and Tom agrees with me…”</p><p>Chakotay laughed at that.  “I worry when you start thinking.  And Tom will always agree with you.  He knows better.”</p><p>She laughed.  “Oh, ha ha.  Seriously, Chak, it just struck me that if the captain isn’t on for the big official ball, we could just have a more casual crew celebration somewhere private.  I half hinted at the idea with Owen and he thinks Starfleet would be OK with it.”</p><p>He thought about that a moment and then nodded.  “Maybe.  I’ll run it by Kathryn.  Just feel out the crew and get an idea.  Many may want a big deal evening.”
</p><p>B’Elanna sighed.  “I doubt it.  I think a fair few of them will opt to ‘do something different’ for a celebration.  From murmurings I’ve heard many may not even stay with Starfleet.  I feel they want to stay close to their families and do other things with their lives.  I don’t know, Chak.  Something to think about.”</p><p>He nodded to himself.  “Yeah.  Getting this lady sorted comes first.”</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Phoebe slipped back into the house and could hear her mother still in the study.  She started to plan a cover story as to why she had to go out.  She heard Gretchen close the study door and walk up behind her.  “Mom, Tim and the kids are back the day after tomorrow.  I need to go home for a while and make the place ready for them.  I shouldn’t be too long.  I also need to clear that space for my new canvasses but that won’t take too much time.”</p><p>Gretchen waved her away, her mind obviously elsewhere.  “Do it now then.  I have to meet the girls.  That was Louise.  I need to go see them.”  She threw her hands up as she looked at her daughter.  “I can hardly have them here at the moment now, can I?”</p><p>Moving to the hall closet to get her bag and jacket, Phoebe nodded.  “OK, Mom.  I shouldn’t be long.  Call me if you hear any news or need me.”  When she looked up, Gretchen was already half way up the stairs.</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Chakotay let Phoebe look in on Kathryn as she slept.  She nodded in satisfaction and smiled at him as he closed the door quietly.</p><p>He pointed to a small patient lounge.  “Let’s go in here.”</p><p>They sat down in the lounge, a small room painted in muted pastel shades.  Chakotay looked up at a soft knock on the door.  “Come in.”</p><p>Beth entered with a tray containing a pitcher of lemonade and two glasses.  “Just something to drink.”  She smiled at them both then left.</p><p>Phoebe grabbed for a glass and filled it.  “I need this.”  She rolled her eyes.  “Pity I’ve nothing to add to it.”</p><p>Chakotay took the other glass and filled it.  “That bad?”</p><p>Phoebe took a long drink.  “She’s been on a right rant on and off for days.  Didn’t stop her heading out to meet with the coven.  It’s a daily excursion as far as I can see…sometimes twice.  In between, they’re vid calling each other.  Their little group seems to mean more to them than their own families do.  They should have married each other.”  She pulled a face and shook her head as if to try and dispel that image.</p><p>Taking a long drink, Chakotay sat forward and told Phoebe all about finding Kathryn at the beach and how she’d been – there and since.</p><p>Nodding at that, Phoebe sat forward also.  “Blaskett Cove.  I remember that place now.  I thought earlier the name was familiar.  We used to go there years ago…when we were kids.  Usually day trips.  Picnics.  Daddy seemed to love it…Mom not so much.  As kids, we just wanted to run wild.  All that space…the sand and water…rocks to climb.  Mom wasn’t having that.  We might get dirty and if we met someone and looked unkempt…  I think she hated those outings.  She always seemed to want to do other things.  I think she felt a family day out was a waste of time…time when she could have been doing something else or what she deemed more important.”  She sighed heavily and pushed the memories away. “Katie’s seemed better though since she’s been settled here?”</p><p>Chakotay nodded.  “It hasn’t been that long but yes, she is.  We had a long talk which I think did her good.  She’s just worn out.  She’s exhausted and needs a long rest.”</p><p>Phoebe sighed, placed her glass down then stood and moved to the window.  She looked out over a small courtyard.  “Mom will never stop trying to run her life and Starfleet will try to own her.”</p><p>Watching her, Chakotay shook his head.  “Not if I have a say in it.”  He drained his glass and placed it down beside Phoebe’s.</p><p>Phoebe brushed her hands over the windowsill.  “They’ve all taken too much from her and she’s given too much.”  She turned to look at Chakotay.  “She’s been everything to everyone else.  She’s never been what she wanted or needed to be for herself.  I told you before.  She’s been the daughter, the Starfleet Officer, the captain.  Now she needs to be what SHE wants.  She needs to BE herself…or at least find out who that is.  She’s spent so much of her life being who everyone else wants her to be that I’m not sure she knows who she is anymore.”</p><p>She turned fully to put her back to the window.  “Remember I told you to get her away?  I meant it.  Even more now.  Tell her you love her…”</p><p>Chakotay smiled.  “Check.  I already have.”</p><p>Phoebe nodded at that.  “Good.  Tell her again.  Keep telling her.  Take her away from all this.  Get her away from my mother and from Starfleet.  I can’t say that enough.  I told you already.  Find a place and build her a home, marry her, give her kids…”</p><p>Chakotay tugged at his ear.  “Again…Check.  I’ve already asked her to marry me.”</p><p>Her eyes widened.  “And?”</p><p>Chakotay smiled sheepishly.  “You all right with being my sister-in-law?  She said yes.”</p><p>Phoebe squealed as she jumped on him and hugged him then pulled back and kissed his forehead.  “Yes.  Yes.”  She laughed as she stood back.  “Sorry.  You’re now spoken for.  Mustn’t manhandle the merchandise.  You’re now goods already promised.”  She dropped her head to the side.  “Although I will claim some of those hugs from time to time.  They’re good.”</p><p>Laughing at her enthusiasm, he sat back.  “I take it you’re happy with this then.”</p><p>She gave him a mock glare.  “What do you think?  What have I been selling you on?”  She sat down.  “Yes.  Of course, I am.”  She leaned forward.  “I would just advise doing the deed as soon as possible though.  Quite apart from my sister’s bad luck with engagements, thank God for it, you should get it done before Mommy Dearest gets wind of it.  I swear that woman is psychic in some way.”</p><p>Chakotay smiled softly.  “I could get Owen Paris to do the necessary.”  He saw her worried expression.  “Phoebe, we’re here in this clinic because of him.”</p><p>Phoebe frowned.  “Owen’s responsible for all this?”  She gestured around the room.</p><p>Sitting forward also, Chakotay nodded.  “I know you said you didn’t trust him but he told me much the same thing as you did…about getting Kathryn away.  He arranged this place and got us here.  He actually knows more than you think.  You should talk to him.”  He told her about his meeting with the admiral, watching the amazement play across her face.  “You have an ally there.  Utilize him.”</p><p>They both looked up at another knock on the door.  Alan McKenzie stuck his head in.  “Sorry to disturb.”  He looked towards Chakotay.  “Owen is here.  I’m going to have a coffee with him first.  He’d then like to speak with you and Kathryn.”  He looked towards Phoebe.  “Your sister is awake if you’d like to see her…”  Phoebe was already on her feet and moving towards the door.</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>As Phoebe sat and talked with her sister, Chakotay stared out over the courtyard as he thought back over the past weeks.  In all his mental scenarios of their homecoming, the events so far had never entered into them.  He watched as a bird landed on the outside windowsill and seemed to study him, sure of himself with the glass between them.  Chakotay guessed the sill was a regular stopping point on the daily flightpath of the feathered visitor.  He turned at a knock on the door.  “Yes?”  He looked back to see that his winged friend had flown off.</p><p>Owen Paris entered the room and smiled.  “Chakotay.  It’s good to see you again.  I’m glad it’s under happier circumstances now that we have our runaway back.”
</p><p> smiled and nodded.  “It’s a load off my mind anyway.”  He reached out a hand.  “Admiral, thank you for all this.”</p><p>Owen waved that away but shook the offered hand.  “Think nothing of it.  It was my pleasure.  And please, call me Owen.  I think we know each other well enough now.”  He nodded towards the door.  “Shall we go and see the said runaway?”</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Kathryn sat propped up in bed, Phoebe sitting in a chair on the far side of her.  Chakotay had taken a place on the end of the bed on the other side.  Owen Paris sat on the other chair where he could see all three of them.  “I’m just going to run my ideas past you, Katie.  Is that all right?”</p><p>Kathryn nodded her permission.  “Please.”</p><p>He nodded and laced his fingers.  “This is just me.  What you want is all that matters though.”  He drew in a deep breath.  “I’ve done as I told your mother I’d do regarding your resignation.  I have put it ‘on ice’.  Can I take it you want to go ahead with it?”</p><p>Kathryn looked at her sister and then at Chakotay before turning back to her old mentor.  “It is, Owen.  It still stands.  I’ve had even longer to think since.”  She sighed deeply.  “I’ve had enough.  I’ve given enough and served enough.  I’ve been what others have wanted me to be for too long.  Starfleet has taken enough and my mother has taken more than enough.  Well, now I’ve had enough.  No more.  I can’t take another single order.  I know I didn’t have that so much out there but it’s what I’d have again back here – from Starfleet and my mother.  I’m tired of being ordered and told what to do and I’m tired of having to serve.  I’m also tired of living under rules and regulations I have no say in and being governed by them no matter how I feel personally.  It’s a weight I can’t take anymore.  I want to rest.  I want to find the girl I used to be or should have been and the woman I want to be.  I want to be the woman I’ve never had a chance to be.”  She seemed nervous for a moment to see his reaction but all she got was an approving smile.  She looked at Phoebe and Chakotay and saw matching expressions.  She also saw them share a smile with each other.</p><p>Owen Paris leaned forward and patted her hand.  “As your father’s best friend and your former mentor, I’m delighted to hear you say that.”  He sighed sadly.  “I’m just sorry I didn’t see more of all this before or didn’t act on what I did see.  I beg your forgiveness for that.”</p><p>Kathryn gripped his hand.   “Owen, don’t.  There’s nothing to forgive.  We are where we are now.  That’s all.”</p><p>He smiled his thanks.  “May I be so bold as to ask what your plans are?”</p><p>Kathryn smiled at Chakotay then looked back at Owen.  “I want to be with Chakotay and have a life with him.  The rest will work itself out.”</p><p>The admiral looked relieved at that.  “Then may I make some suggestions?”  Kathryn nodded.  “Don’t resign.”  He held up a hand when he saw her about to argue that.  “Hear me out, please.”  She nodded for him to continue.</p><p>Owen Paris pushed his chair back and stood then began pacing.  “Withdraw your resignation and retire instead.”  He looked at Chakotay.  “You as well, Chakotay.”  He smiled.  “You see, that way you receive a pension.”  Looking back at his former student, he smiled.  “You, Katie, would be entitled to a considerable long service term pension and you’d be retiring at a captain level.  You’ve well earned it.”  His eyes then settled on Chakotay.  “You, too.  Apart from the seven years on Voyager which count as you wore the Starfleet uniform, you also have pension credits from your first tenure with them.  And you’d be retiring at a commander level.”  He watched as the two people considered that, communicating silently.</p><p>He smiled and sat again.  “Think of it this way.  The credits are far better in your accounts than theirs.  It would mean you’d be financially secure for the rest of your lives.  You’ve both earned this.”</p><p>He sighed and leaned back.  “I’ve been sounding out your crew, Katie.”  He laughed.  “Well, my son and daughter-in-law have been on my behalf after they sussed me out.”  He shook his head and gave a mock frown.  “It’s complicated in our house nowadays but I wouldn’t have it any other way.”  He smiled again.  “Anyway, it seems like that’s the way it’s going to be for many of them.  Everyone has six months leave which is paid leave.  After that, they can retire with a pension.  Amounts will vary but at the very least there’ll be seven years of service credits…well, seven and a half with the six months leave added on, whether it’s actually taken or not.  If they don’t want that, there are positions for all.  So…a position or retirement.  Their choice.  Everyone also has their back pay as have the two of you.  You’re also all free to pursue any other work afterwards without affecting your pensions.  Everyone is also entitled to counselling whether they stay or leave.  If they don’t want it with a Starfleet counsellor and prefer someone outside, that will be covered for them.”</p><p>Kathryn sat forward, a look of disbelief on her face.  “This has been decided officially?  It’s been sanctioned and approved?”</p><p>Owen nodded.  “It’s official.  All signed and sealed.  It just hasn’t been announced yet but it is legally binding and I’ve been fully authorized to put all this to you.  You two are the first but it will be offered to everyone else by tomorrow.  All people have to do is take up the offer.  There are also no charges against anyone…”  He smiled at Chakotay.  “Maquis or Equinox.  Everyone has full choice in what they wish to do.”</p><p>Kathryn smiled sadly.  “My mother would accept retirement more than my resignation.”</p><p>Owen shook his head.  “Katie, this is about what’s in YOUR best interests…not Gretchen’s.”</p><p>Kathryn shrugged.  “I know but if she gets that, she’s off my back more.”  She looked over at her sister.  “It would also make things easier for Phoebe.”</p><p>With tears in her eyes, Phoebe reached out and stroked Kathryn’s leg through the covers.  “This has to only be about what’s best for you.  I’m fine.”</p><p>Owen drew their attention back to him.  “B’Elanna passed on something to you which your mother WON’T be happy with.”  All eyes turned to him.  “She’s talked to all the crew.  They’ve all voted not to have an official ball.  If they get their command team’s blessing, they want a casual and unofficial crew party with family and friends…”  He stopped and looked at Kathryn sadly.  “Sorry, Katie.  I didn’t…”</p><p>Kathryn waved away his apology.  “Don’t be.  I’ll have my family there.”</p><p>He nodded his understanding of that.  “Yes, you will.”  He smiled.  “It seems they prefer no uniforms and nothing official.  Basically, a celebration party with invited guests.”</p><p>Kathryn narrowed her eyes at that.  “How are the brass taking that?”</p><p>The admiral laughed.  “They’re actually fine with it, believe it or not.  Your return has been a great PR coup for Starfleet.  It’s been nothing but good for them and inquiries and applications are well up.  I know they gave you a hard time at debriefings but you excelled in their eyes…not to mention how impressed they were with your meticulous logs.  And let’s not forget the enormous amount of data and unique technology you brought back.”  He grew serious a moment.  “There’s another aspect to this.  The war cost us dearly, as I’m sure you know.  Many are still suffering.  An official ball would cost a lot and a lavish celebration could well be seen as an insult or hurtful to many.  It could be seen to be in bad taste.  This way Starfleet would be happy to go along with the crew idea of having their own homecoming celebration and it would save them a fortune.”  He smiled slightly.  “Between you and me, the number crunchers are almost salivating.”  He drew in a deep breath.  “This way, publicly, they can say that this is what the crew wants…and what the crew wants, the crew gets.”</p><p>He leaned forward and squeezed her hand.  “Katie, this is a win win situation.  Starfleet are smart enough to see that.  Your return was the best publicity they could have asked for and it has long lasting effects.  A ball would never match that and would be one night with a day or two of media interest.  Besides, I’m sure some will stay and they’ll be pointed out as examples of what a career in Starfleet can be.”</p><p>He leaned back again.  “They may want to contact you occasionally if they need clarification on something but that would be rare, I imagine.  You kept such top-notch logs that I can’t see anything coming up.  It would be up to you though.”  He smiled softly.  “Think it all over, my dear.”</p><p>Kathryn smiled back at him.  “We will but I’m pretty sure we’ll agree with everything you’ve said.  You can tell B’Elanna to pass on our blessing for our own celebration.”  She looked at Chakotay.  “What do you think?  Anything you want to address or add?”</p><p>Chakotay reached for Kathryn’s hand and rubbed at the finger where her wedding ring would go.  Kathryn arched an eyebrow then nodded.  They both smiled then turned to look at Owen Paris.  Phoebe, having witnessed the exchange, leaned forward.</p><p>Chakotay cleared his throat.  “Admiral…Owen…while you’re here.”  He looked back at the woman he loved.  “I meant it with all that I am when I said I wanted to marry you.  If you haven’t changed your mind in the past few hours, how do you feel about right now?  We can have something more elaborate later but for now…”  He shrugged.  “Admiral Paris could do the honours and Phoebe is here…”  He looked over to see Kathryn’s sister’s face ready to split in two.</p><p>When he looked back at Kathryn, she had tears in her eyes.  “Really?”</p><p>He nodded.  “Yes, really.  Now…or as soon as.  What do you say?”?</p><p>They both turned to Owen.  Kathryn gave him a hopeful look.  “Could you?”</p><p>Owen’s smile matched Phoebe’s.  “I need to make a call and get you a license and yes, I know, on the quiet.”  He stood.  “It would be my honour and my pleasure.  Give me an hour or so.  I can call in a few favours.”</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>So it was that Owen Paris joined Kathryn Janeway and Chakotay in marriage in the clinic’s spiritual room.  Alan and Beth acted as witnesses with Phoebe taking on the dual roles of bridesmaid and best ‘man’.  The bride wore a white lace shawl over a simple white cotton and lace dress which had been replicated by Beth.  She held a small posy of yellow roses her sister had found in the clinic gift shop along with some sprigs of small white flowers in her hair.  Chakotay, already in a newly replicated white shirt, simply removed his jacket and had a simple ‘button hole’ flower his very soon to be sister-in-law had fashioned for him.  She’d also replicated simple gold bands for the couple, telling them they could get engravings done later.</p><p>Phoebe stood sobbing throughout the short ceremony.  Alan snapped off several holoimages for the happy couple, rolling his eyes at his wife who constantly instructed him on the best lighting and angles for his shots.</p><p>When they got back to the room, Owen had two bottles of champagne on ice along with some simple finger food.  “You can have some champagne, Katie.  Alan assured me you were all right to drink.”</p><p>As the others chatted and drank, Chakotay pulled Kathryn into his arms.  “Happy?  No regrets?  I know it wasn’t the most romantic or stylish or the wedding you deserve…”</p><p>Kathryn pressed a finger over his lips.  “It was perfect.  We made our vows to each other.  The rest is just decoration.”  She removed her hand and replaced it with her lips for a light kiss.  “Thank you, my husband.”</p><p>Chakotay cupped her cheek.  “Thank you, my wife.”</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Owen Paris congratulated the happy couple one more time and hugged Kathryn.  “I’m so happy for you, Katie.”</p><p>Kathryn hugged him back.  “Thank you for everything, Owen.”  She looked up at him.  “I’ll keep it from my mother about who married us.”  She looked over at her sister.  “Got that, Phoebes?”</p><p>Owen just laughed.  “Katie, all she’ll have to do is look at your marriage certificate when it’s issued.  They’re public record.”  He placed his hands on her shoulders.  “You leave Gretchen to me.  It’s about time I stood up to her.”  He moved away and shook Chakotay’s hand.  “Congratulations to you as well, Chakotay.  Look after her.”</p><p>Chakotay smiled.  “I will, Owen.  Thank you for everything.”</p><p>Owen nodded and moved towards the door.  “Your certificate will issue within a day.  I’ll pick it up for you and get you some copies.”  He opened the door.  “Congratulations again.”</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>The happy couple’s wedding night was at the clinic.  Alan wanted to keep his patient for at least another day or so but suggested that letting her new husband stay with her would be beneficial.  After a light meal, they were both happy to just lie together and make plans for the future.</p><p>“I told Alan he can contact my mother tomorrow and let her know where I am.  He’ll tell me before he calls her.  He’s going to say he also contacted Phoebe so that’ll get her off the hook.  Her presence at the wedding won’t be part of the official record so she should be safe with that.”</p><p>Chakotay stroked up and down her arm as she lay her head on his chest.  “Sounds good.”  He kissed the top of her head.  “How are you feeling now?  Physically, I mean.  Are you tired?”</p><p>She rubbed her cheek against his chest.  “I feel good.  Overwhelmed and…”  She sighed.  “It feels as if I’ve been caught up in a tornado or rather how I imagine that would be.  I feel tethered securely to the ground though.”  She raised her head to look up at him.  “You’re my tether.”</p><p>He kissed her forehead.  “It makes me very happy to be that for you.”  He let his eyes wander around the room.  “Not exactly the honeymoon suite.  Would you have preferred a bigger wedding with all the trimmings?”</p><p>She lay her head back down on his chest.  “Our wedding was perfect.  I told you that.”  She smirked up at him.  “I’m sorry the wedding night isn’t more…  Well, isn’t ‘more’.”</p><p>He hugged her to him.  “My beautiful wife, there are many ways to make love and this is one of them.  Don’t you know that?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Next morning, Chakotay left Kathryn working on a borrowed computer and contacting Phoebe using his comm unit so her call would show up as Dora’s Art Supplies on her sister’s phone.  He took the time to grab a shower for himself and replicate some fresh clothing while she sorted out what she felt needed sorting.</p><p>She was eating a late breakfast when he came back to her room.  She smiled at him and pointed to a second tray.  “I got you some as well.  It’s still hot.  I’m starving for some reason.”</p><p>He pulled over a chair and sat down beside the bed, pulling the tray towards himself.  He lifted the cover and nodded.  “Scrambled eggs and toast.  Perfect.  I’m hungry too actually.”</p><p>They ate in silence and just exchanged soft smiles.  When he’d finished, he wiped at his mouth.  “Did you get everything sorted out that you wanted?”</p><p>Kathryn sipped at her coffee.  “I did.”  She pushed her tray towards Chakotay.  He stood and put his own tray on a table then took Kathryn’s and placed it beside it.
Draining her coffee, she handed the empty cup to him which he placed on the table also.  “Phoebe’s going to get some things for me while Mom’s here.  Alan’s calling her.  I also needed to check and sort out my financials and legal matters.”</p><p>Sitting down beside her on the bed, Chakotay took her hand.  “We have a few logistics to sort out but we have plenty of time.”</p><p>She smiled lovingly at him.  “Where do you want to live?  Dorvan?”</p><p>He was surprised at that.  “You’d want to live there?”</p><p>She nodded.  “I think so…and not just to be away from my mother and Starfleet.  I just feel we could do some good there.  I certainly want to see it and we could decide then.  I just hope your sister likes me.  Would you want to live there?”</p><p>He smiled and squeezed her hand.  “My sister will love you.”  He shrugged.  “Living there?  I don’t know.  Maybe.  It would be a challenge.  There’s probably a lot of work needed.  Like you said though, we can visit and decide then.”</p><p>They both looked up at a knock on the door.  Chakotay stood up.  “Come in.”</p><p>Alan McKenzie poked his head around the door and smiled then entered the room.  He glanced towards the empty plates.  “Good to see you’re eating, Kathryn.”</p><p>She smiled at that.  “It was delicious.  I normally don’t have a great appetite but I may need a diet by the time I leave here.”</p><p>He laughed at that.  “You need to put some meat on those bones.”  He grew serious again.  “I contacted your mother as you asked me to.  No one answered so I left a message.  I just said you were here and that I’d also contacted your sister.”  Kathryn nodded her approval of that.  He smiled softly and handed over a small book which he’d had behind his back.  “Beth put this together for you.  It’s your wedding album…the images I took.”  He also handed over a data chip.  “The originals are on here.”</p><p>Kathryn and Chakotay were overwhelmed at the gift.  Chakotay looked at them as Kathryn flipped through the album then smiled over at the doctor.  “Alan, we’ll never be able to thank you and Beth enough for the kindness you’ve shown us.  We were strangers to you…”</p><p>Alan held up a hand but his face showed his happiness at their delight.  “You’re friends.  Any friend of Owen’s is a friend of ours.  It’s been our pleasure.”  He held up a tricorder.  “Kathryn, would it be all right if I check you over now?  I have a meeting a little later.”</p><p>Kathryn handed the album and chip to Chakotay.  “That would be fine, Alan.”</p><p>Another knock came and Beth stepped into the room.  “OK?  Are you ready for me?”</p><p>Chakotay stood up.  “Beth, thank you so much for the album.  It’s beautiful.  We’ll treasure it.”</p><p>She blushed at that.  “I was delighted to be able to do it for you.  No thanks necessary.”</p><p>Chakotay put the album and chip on the table then moved over to her and gave her a hug.  He looked back at his new wife.  “I’ll let you get on with it and I’ll stretch my legs.  I’ll keep a lookout for Phoebe.”</p><p>Kathryn looked towards him.  “Thanks, Chakotay.  Hopefully she’ll get here first.”</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Chakotay waited for Alan and Beth to finish examining Kathryn.  He was looking out the window into a small garden area when he heard shouting.  There was no mistaking the voice of Kathryn’s mother.  He groaned to himself at the fact that Gretchen had arrived before Phoebe.  He moved towards the main open lobby area for that floor and rolled his eyes at the sight that met him.</p><p>He stood and watched as a fair-haired nurse quietly tried to explain to Gretchen Janeway that their patient wasn’t available for visitors just at the moment.  Kathryn’s mother wasn’t accepting that and cut the girl off with a wave of her hand before she could say anything else.  She then shouted at the young nurse.  “I’m her mother.  I WILL see my daughter.  I refuse to be kept waiting any longer.  Now show me where her room is then run along and find something to clean up before I have your job.”</p><p>Chakotay heard a groan behind him and glanced back to see Phoebe who’d just arrived.  The nurse was close to tears as she scurried off.  As she passed them, Chakotay reached out and patted her shoulder.  Before Gretchen could accost anyone else, he made his way over to her.</p><p>Gretchen turned and glared at him.  “What the bloody hell are you doing here?  What do you want?”</p><p>Chakotay stared hard at her.  “There’s something you need to know.”</p><p>Gretchen sneered at him.  “I don’t need to know anything from you.  You’ve no business or place here.  Just stay away from my daughter.  I don’t want you anywhere near her.”</p><p>Chakotay faced down the older woman.  “You need to know this.  You have no say in Kathryn’s life.  I’m her legal next of kin.  I have her Power of Attorney, made from when Voyager was in the Delta Quadrant.  It’s still standing.  I have hers and she has mine.  The Power of Attorney gives me the right to make all legal, financial and medical decisions for her if she’s unable to make those decisions for herself.  All the crew drew up these documents out there.  Lieutenant Commander Tuvok did them.  They’re all legal and above board.”</p><p>Gretchen just stood back and looked him up and down.  “Don’t make me laugh.  In case you haven’t noticed, you’re not in the Delta Quadrant anymore.”</p><p>Chakotay filled the space she’d created between them.  “It doesn’t matter.  They were drawn up on a Starfleet ship.  It was Starfleet property and under Starfleet law.  They were done by an officially and legally appointed and recognized Starfleet Officer and were all legally witnessed.  Sighed and sealed, so to speak.  They stand, even more so now back here because Starfleet is here.  The ship is like an embassy.  It’s always Starfleet property and jurisdiction.”  He was tempted to tell her ‘surely Starfleet means everything to you of all people’ but glanced up and saw the look of fear on Phoebe’s face that he might say too much.</p><p>He pushed on.  “You should also know that all documents were stored within the Doctor’s memory files and entered into the ship’s official logs.  If you want to try and fight that, go ahead but you won’t get anywhere.”  He sighed.  “Mrs. Janeway, you may feel able to try and intimidate Kathryn or that young nurse but you won’t intimidate me.  Take it to court.  You can try and dispute it but it won’t do you any good.  Besides, I doubt you want the publicity it would garner.”</p><p>Kathryn’s mother wasn’t going to back down.  “She’s my daughter and I’m her mother.  I know what’s best for her.”</p><p>Chakotay shook his head, his expression hard.  “No, you don’t.”</p><p>Gretchen scoffed at that.  “And I suppose you think you do.”</p><p>He huffed out a derisive laugh.  “Yes, I do.  I know because what’s best for Kathryn is what Kathryn wants for herself.  It’s her life.  She’s a grown woman and can decide for herself.  She’s been controlled for long enough.  Now it’s her own time.  You need to accept that and…”</p><p>He looked over her shoulder and saw Kathryn standing there in her dressing down.  She was twisting the ends of the tie belt between her fingers.  He knew by her expression that she’d heard everything.</p><p>Gretchen turned and followed where he looked.  Her demeanour changed instantly.  She moved to her daughter.  “Kathryn, darling.  How are you?”  She slipped an arm around her waist.  “Come on, sweetheart.  Let’s get you out of this place and home.”</p><p>Kathryn studied her mother a moment then looked at Chakotay and Phoebe.  “If you’ll excuse us please.  I need to speak with my mother.”  She pointed towards a small atrium off the space where they all stood.  “Mother.”</p><p>Gretchen stiffened a moment and seemed about to object then appeared to change her mind.  She curtly nodded.  “Of course, darling.”</p><p>Chakotay and Phoebe exchanged a wary look then watched as the two women entered the plant filled area.  They stood to the side of the door where they couldn’t be observed but could hear anything said.  They could also see through the foliage.</p><p>As soon as Kathryn and her mother were alone in the room, Gretchen reverted to type.  “Right, you little madam.  Let’s sort out this mess and get you out of here.  You’ve caused enough trouble disappearing like that.  You can call Owen and tell him you were just tired and not thinking straight.  You can withdraw that resignation mistake and get him to delete what you sent.”</p><p>Kathryn faced her mother.  “I’m thinking perfectly straight.  I told you that you’d cleared my thinking.  Therefore, I’ve already spoken to Owen and withdrawn my resignation.”</p><p>Gretchen gave a satisfied smile and puffed out her chest.  “Good.  Good.  You’re finally seeing sense.”</p><p>Folding her arms, Kathryn stared hard at her mother.  “Oh, I’m finally seeing sense, all right.  I’ve retired instead.  It’s already been put through and accepted.  It’s official.”</p><p>It was like the air was sucked out of the small room.  “You what?  Oh no, my girl.  That’s not happening.  There’s no way you’re retiring.  You’re going to that ball and then you have your career ahead of you.  You’ll become an admiral just like your father.”</p><p>Kathryn moved away.  “I’m well aware of the traditional expected family role.  Well, it’s not for me.  I have my own plans.”</p><p>Kathryn didn’t notice her mother approach until she was almost in her face.  She didn’t see her arm rise but she felt her hand and the sharp sting of the slap it delivered across her face.</p><p>Outside, Chakotay jumped forward but felt Phoebe’s strong grip on his arm.  “Let it play out.  Trust me.”  He looked at her and saw she was serious.  He nodded at her, trusting her for the moment.</p><p>Gretchen spit her words out.  “You ungrateful brat.  I’ve worked too hard to get you where you are for you to just throw it all away.”</p><p>Kathryn rubbed at her face a moment then dropped her hand.  “I got where I am by my own hard work and on my own merit, despite you pushing Owen Paris to talk me into command.”  She laughed at the look on her mother’s face.  “Yes, Mother.  I know about that.  I went with it because I wanted it.  And I got where I am because I worked damned hard and earned everything I got.  I was all me.  No one else.”</p><p>Her mother just sneered at that.  “You’re nothing without me.  I made you, you little bitch.”</p><p>Kathryn laughed derisively at that.  “Bitch?  I wonder where I got that from.”</p><p>The second slap was harder than the first.  “I’m glad your father is dead, that he isn’t alive to see this.”</p><p>Phoebe still holding onto Chakotay was the only thing stopping him charging into the room.  “Trust me here.”</p><p>Rubbing at her face again, Kathryn held herself still.  “I’m glad too.  He’d be ashamed of what he married.”</p><p>Gretchen’s voice was like steel.  “How dare you speak to me like that.  I loved your father…”</p><p>Kathryn cut her off.  “You don’t know what love is.  Not the ‘I’d give my life for you’ kind of love.  REAL love.  You only love fame, wealth and status and those who can bring you that but if those people lost that ability in the morning, you’d have no use for them and you’d cut them loose, just walk away from them and cast them off.  I pity you.”</p><p>Gretchen shook her head, her eyes hard.  “The sacrifices I made for you.”</p><p>Arms straight at her side, Kathryn curled her hands into fists.    “Phoebe and I made the sacrifices.  You benefitted from them.  Everything you did that you say was for us was really for yourself.”</p><p>Gretchen’s face was twisted in anger.  “You need me.  You’re nothing without me.”</p><p>Leaning into her mother, Kathryn stared hard at her.  “I’m everything I am despite you – and I don’t need you.  I have more than enough credits.  I have what Justin left me.  I have what Daddy left me.  I have seven years of back pay.  I now have my pension.  I also have the proceeds from the sale of my old house which was sold when we were declared lost.  Thank God all of that was put into investment for ten years as is required and demanded by law.  The interest from all that has really added up.  All in all, I have quite a tidy sum.  I checked.  I’m taking that and leaving with Chakotay.  It can be put to good use on his home world.”</p><p>Gretchen spit her words out.  “You’ll be a Maquis whore?  Isn’t he supposed to pay you?”</p><p>Chakotay once more jumped forward but again Phoebe stopped him.  “Leave it.  This needs to come out.”</p><p>He stared at her dumbfounded.  “I’m not going to have Kathryn spoken to like that by anyone, even her own mother.”</p><p>Phoebe shook her head, keeping her voice low.  “Don’t you see?  She needs to hear this and finally see our mother for who and what she is.  She needs to be spoken to like this and see Mom in all her glory.  She needs to finally take the blinkers off and free herself.  Mom has just shot herself in the foot because she doesn’t know Katie at all - not the one who returned from the Delta Quadrant.  She was hidden for a while but she’s back now.  Ever hear the expression ‘the worm turned’?”</p><p>In the atrium, Gretchen looked her daughter up and down in disgust.  “You’re a disgrace.  You’re a Janeway and we don’t…”</p><p>Kathryn glared at her mother.  “Yes, I AM a Janeway but you’re not.  You just married one.  You’re a Dawson.  You’re our grandmother through and through.  You’re just like her and the rest of them.  Sadly, I’m also half of that but not the important half.”  She shook her head and let a bit of her anger go.  “Look, you’re my mother.  I give you the love and respect I think that role merits out of duty.”  She laughed cynically.  “Didn’t you always instil duty in me?  Aren’t you proud?”  She narrowed her eyes.  “The fact is, I don’t like who and what you are.  You gave me the gift of life but it wasn’t freely given.  It was a gift you used for yourself.  Phoebe and I paid a high price for that.  You didn’t have us to give the two of us life.  You had us to enhance your own.  I remember how you used to talk.  Oh, Kathryn’s the smart one and Phoebe’s the pretty one.  You have NO idea how that felt…how much that hurt us both.”</p><p>She moved away again.  “We both know you dined out on Daddy for long enough - for years, dead or alive.  Then it was my turn.  However, you won’t do it on my dime anymore.  You’ve had your fifteen minutes of fame on my watch.  You’ve had decades of it, in fact.  Well, no more.”  She shook her head.  “I changed out there.  We all did.  I grew up.  I’m no longer the dependent young girl you wanted to keep me.  I’m not her anymore.  You don’t control me now.  I control myself.  I learned a lot out there about myself.  I just forgot it for a while after we got back.”</p><p>Gretchen’s expression was hard as flint.  “You needed it.  You needed a firm hand.  Your father was too soft with you.”</p><p>Kathryn let out a derisory laugh.  “He was rarely there.  Probably to be away from you.  You pushed him as much.  When he was there, he kept you off our backs.”</p><p>An evil look crossed Gretchen Janeway’s face as she glared at her eldest daughter.  “How hard did you really try to save them?”</p><p>It was like a punch to the guts or a knife twisting in her heart.  Kathryn stared at her mother in complete shock.  “You malevolent bitch.  You’ve done and said some terrible things over the years but that’s your worst.  You’ve really shown your true colours here today.”  She drew in a deep breath.  “Enough.  Too much.  I’m finished fighting with you and trying to…”  She sighed heavily.  “I’m done.  Period.”  She shook her head.  “Look, you can tell people…tell your so-called friends…whatever the hell you want.  You can make up some story to suit your needs.  I really don’t care anymore.”  She turned and began to walk away.</p><p>Gretchen wasn’t finished.  “You’ll come crawling back.  When the murdering terrorist in him resurfaces and he’s taken all your credits, you’ll be back with your tail between your legs.”</p><p>Kathryn stopped and looked back.  “He has plenty of credits of his own and his home.”  A slow smile twitched her lips.  “And for your information, that ‘murdering terrorist’ is now your son-in-law.  We’re married.”</p><p>There was pure coldness on the older face.  “You really have sold your soul to the devil.”</p><p>Dropping her head to the side, Kathryn studied her mother.  “No.  I’ve reclaimed it from her.”</p><p>Gretchen actually spit on the floor.  “I disown you.  You’re no daughter of mine.  Don’t expect to inherit anything from me either.  I’m cutting you out of my Will.  I’m cutting you out of my life.”</p><p>Kathryn just shrugged.  “Good.  I have my own life.  And I don’t want your property.  That’s not how I measure someone.  I’d rather live having nothing with someone I love than in luxury with someone like you and yours.”  She sighed.  “Goodbye, Mother.  I actually hope you’ll be happy and I do wish you well.”  With that she turned and walked out of the room.</p><p>Chakotay was at her side immediately and slipped an arm around her.  He moved them a good bit away from the door then studied her face, still red from the slaps.  “Are you all right?”</p><p>She smiled softly.  “I’m fine.”  She looked to her sister.  “Phoebes, any problems?”</p><p>Phoebe smiled gently.  “All done.  Everything’s at my place.”  She fished into her bag.  “I have your comm badge and ID here.”</p><p>Kathryn looked at Chakotay.  “Once I got Alan to let Mom know where I was, I contacted Phoebe and sent her to the house to get what I’d left there.  Anything else I own has been in storage from before Voyager and what I had on the ship is being held by Starfleet.”</p><p>Phoebe, who was standing to the side of them, had a clear view into the atrium.  She waved her arm towards the other two and nodded her head towards the room.  Kathryn moved over a little and turned to look.  The sisters saw their mother, head held high, staring out the window.   Phoebe spoke first.  “Stoic as ever.  She’s probably working out what to say to her so-called friends”.  She shook her head as she turned and walked towards her sister’s room, Kathryn and Chakotay following her.</p><p>Once in the room, Chakotay pulled Kathryn into his arms.  Phoebe closed the door behind them.  “Chakotay, I’m sorry.  I know it was hard on you but stopping you changing in there was the right thing.  That needed to happen.”</p><p>He turned and smiled at his new sister-in-law.  “I see that now.”  He turned back to Kathryn and again examined her face.  “When she slapped you…  I just wanted to…”</p><p>Kathryn kissed him softly.  “I know but I’m fine.  I’m seeing it as ‘no pain, no gain’.”  She looked around at her sister.  “She was right though.  It needed to happen.”  She sighed.  “I’m sorry it was necessary and I wish it was different but she’s not going to change now.  She’s been like this all her life.  I just needed that final affirmation, I guess.”</p><p>Phoebe smiled sadly at her sister.  “I didn’t think you knew about her going to Owen Paris to push you into command.”</p><p>She moved to her sister and hugged her tightly.  “I knew but I really was happy to go along with it.  Part of it was for Daddy but it was also for me.  It wasn’t for her.  It was for the best for me.”  She looked over at Chakotay.  “I wouldn’t have my wonderful husband without all that.”  Turning back to Phoebe, she pulled back slightly and brushed her sister’s hair back from her face.  “As regards our dear mother…  I know SHE’LL be all right.  She won’t miss me…only what she could have gained from me.  Most importantly though, will YOU be all right?”</p><p>Phoebe smiled lovingly at her sister.  “Oh, don’t worry about me.  I’ll be fine.  I have my escape and safe haven with Tim and the kids.  Besides, she doesn’t bother with me as much.  I’m happily just the air headed artist.  She can gain nothing from me.  As to her, she’ll survive.  She has enough likeminded friends to keep her company.  And if she doesn’t go with the retirement story, no doubt she’ll invent some amazing tale for you to explain where you’ve gone.  Don’t be surprised if you someday hear that you’ve really been in Section 31 or something or gone back to the Delta Quadrant or some other long-term space mission, some ‘need to know’ top secret mission that she just can’t talk about.  You can hide a lot that way.  It saves explanations.  She’ll survive and adapt.  She always does.”</p><p>Chakotay laughed at that.  “You make her sound like a Borg.”</p><p>At Phoebe’s frown, Kathryn explained.  “Seven always used that expression.  ‘You will adapt’.</p><p>Phoebe smiled in understanding.  “Maybe she is like a Borg.  She certainly knows how to assimilate people who are useful to her.”</p><p>Kathryn rolled her eyes.  “Wait until she finds out that there’s not going to be any ball.”</p><p>Phoebe shrugged.  “She’ll survive, especially if the decision and announcement come from Starfleet.”  She smiled gently at her sister.  “She’ll be just fine and I’ll look in on her too.”  She took Kathryn’s hand and reached for Chakotay’s as well.  “Look, you’re both retired and you’re newlyweds.  Go on a honeymoon and start the life that’s been too long delayed.”</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Alan McKenzie informed Kathryn that he’d be happy to discharge her the following day.  After that, he recommended a good holiday but basically to just take all the time she needed to decide the rest of her life.</p><p>Later that afternoon, Owen Paris called by to bring the happy couple their marriage certificate and the promised copies.  He also worked through everything with them then gave them all the documentation confirming their retirement and pension entitlements and got them to sign off on it, Kathryn also officially rescinding her earlier resignation at the same time.  “Your pensions will be paid into two accounts which can be accessed anywhere in the Alpha Quadrant.  Your back pay is already there.”  He handed Kathryn a padd with a copy of all the details.  “You can keep the accounts separate or apply to have them combined into one joint account.  If you’d prefer to use other accounts or change anything, just let me know and I can change the deposit details.”  He smiled.  “Everything is there and it’s all official.  It’s all signed and sealed, by us and now by you both.  You just need to contact the banking authorities with your IDs and our documentation then register your passwords and thumbprints.”</p><p>Kathryn walked over the him and gave him a huge hug.  “Owen, I’ll never be able to thank you enough for all you’ve done for us.”</p><p>He hugged her back.  “You just have, Katie.  And it’s my honour and pleasure.”  He pulled back and smiled down at her.  “Seeing you this happy is all the thanks I need.  Besides, as I told your new husband before, I owe you far more.  You brought my son back, along with B’Elanna and Miral.  Janice and I will owe you forever for that.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kathryn and Chakotay spent the next week on their honeymoon at a lakeside cabin Owen Paris arranged for them.  They spent the week making love, eating, sleeping late and immersing themselves in the beauty of the area around them.  They walked the woodland and shoreline and planned their future together.  They savoured every moment together as the outside world went on without them.  They were both the happiest they’d ever been.</p><p>And they talked.  Sometimes it was just comfortable chit chat but they also cleansed each other of what needed letting go of from the seven years on Voyager and their own pasts.  For Kathryn, in particular, the time together was more beneficial than endless hours with a counsellor or in therapy.</p><p>Towards the end of the week, they were sent a message and given four hours’ notice to get dressed in their party clothes.  They were then transported to a large outdoor area.  The surrounding trees were festooned with strings of coloured lights and lanterns and a six-piece band played soothing background mood music.  Tables groaning under the weight of food lined the area and a dance floor had been set up.  There were two long bars and waiters with drinks trays crisscrossed through the crowd.  A large banner hung over where the band played with ‘Welcome Home Voyager Family’ painted in big red letters.</p><p>Kathryn stared around her in disbelief.   “How did they manage all this?”</p><p>B’Elanna just laughed as she sidled up to her.  “We’re Voyagers.  Need I say more?”  She lifted Kathryn’s left hand and raised an eyebrow.  “It’s a double celebration, I believe.”</p><p>Chakotay frowned at that.  “How did you…?”</p><p>Phoebe popped out from behind B’Elanna.  “That’s down to me.  Sorry but I felt you deserved a wedding reception.”</p><p>Tom walked up and joined them.  “You didn’t think you could deny this lot a good party, did you?  They’d have chased or hunted you down.”  At that he whistled over at Harry Kim who nodded then passed the word to the band.  The music stopped and a second banner dropped down under the first one with the words ‘Congratulations Kathryn and Chakotay’ in gold lettering on a dark blue background.  At that, everyone stood back to leave a cleared walkway to the dance floor.  They then all pulled out candles and lit them, creating a sea of flickering flames as the band struck up a waltz.</p><p>Kathryn tearfully smiled up at Chakotay.  “Better give the people what they want.”</p><p>Chakotay took his wife’s hand and led her onto the dancefloor to cheers, whoops and hollers from their audience.  As he took her into his arms and moved her slowly against him, he leaned down and kissed her softly which earned them an even bigger cheer.  Moving his lips to her ear, he whispered to her.  “I love you, Mrs. Chakotay.  I’ll love you for eternity.”</p><p>Leaning back, she smiled tearfully up at him.  “I love you too, Mr. Chakotay.”  She tilted her head and gave him a cheeky smile.  “Or should that be Mr. Janeway?”  She leaned forward and gently kissed him.  “I prefer ‘I love you, my husband’.”</p><p>He squeezed her hand in his and tightened his arm around her waist.  “As I love you, my wife.”</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>The rest of the evening and night was filled with love and laughter with the Doctor running around taking holoimage after holoimage.  He also took contact details from everyone in attendance, promising them an album of the images as soon as he could.  Kathryn ended up dancing with almost every man in attendance after Owen Paris had claimed first place after Chakotay while Julia danced with the groom.  The crew had even supplied a large four tier wedding cake.</p><p>Kathryn treasured every moment of the evening.  She and Chakotay got up on the small stage with the band and together thanked all present for the wonderful evening they’d laid on.  Before they could step back down, Naomi came up to them and presented them with a carved wooden scale replica of Voyager as a gift from all the crew.  It sat on a stand of the same wood and carved around the base of the ship were the words “With All Our Love For Your Next Voyage”.  The gift left the former command team in tears.</p><p>Over the next hours, Kathryn got to talk with everyone present but was mostly delighted to be able to hug and thank Marla and Noah for all they’d done for her.
As the first streaks of light of the next day began in the sky, Kathryn sat back with her feet in Chakotay’s lap while he rubbed them for her.  Phoebe sat beside her, her sister’s shoes in her lap.  They both looked over at Phoebe’s husband, Tim.  Their children lay on makeshift beds made up on the grass.  Other children were dotted around them.  All were sound asleep.  Kathryn smiled at the scene then looked out over her crew and their families.  Even those in attendance who hadn’t met before acted as if they’d known each other all their lives.</p><p>She turned back when Phoebe stroked her arm.  “Mom wouldn’t have been impressed with all this.”</p><p>Kathryn smiled slightly and shrugged.  “That’s her loss.  She wouldn’t and couldn’t ever get it and I pity her for it.”  She sighed.  “How did she take the announcement about the ball being cancelled.”</p><p>Phoebe shrugged.  “Oh, at home she ranted and raved.  Outwardly, she went with the ‘Starfleet have their reasons and know best’ line.”  She played with the shoes in her lap.  “I basically tuned her out and let her ramble on.”</p><p>Kathryn blew out a long breath.  “Has she been cursing me from the heights?”</p><p>Phoebe looked sad at that.  “Actually, no.  I’ve only been over there twice and she didn’t say or ask anything about you.  She’s just not talking about you at all.”</p><p>Kathryn digested that and then mentally shrugged it off.  “As I said…her loss.”  She raised her hand and covered her mouth to hide a yawn.  “Well, I think this is great.  It’s perfect, in fact.  We have family and friends we love.  That’s all we need.  Great food, drink and music is just a bonus.”  She looked up as B’Elanna hobbled over.  She kicked off her shoes then sat down on the grass.</p><p>“I’m getting too old for this.  My feet will take a month to recover.”  She handed Kathryn a folded piece of fabric.  “Your banner.  A memento.  I beamed your Voyager carving to your honeymoon cabin.”</p><p>Tom joined them and flopped down beside his wife, copying Chakotay and rubbing her feet.  “We know how to party though.”  He looked up at the sky.  “I haven’t partied until dawn since…”  He shrugged.  “I don’t know when but it’s been years.”  He laughed.  “I used to be better able for it.”</p><p>B’Elanna made a face at him.  “You’re just getting old.”  She laughed.  “And just think.  They’re planning on making this an annual event so you’ll be older each year.  We’ll need a hover chair for you in years to come.”</p><p>Kathryn stroked the banner in her lap.  “B’Elanna, thank you for all this…for everything.  It’s been absolutely perfect.”  She looked around at everyone, feeling loved beyond measure.  This was family.  She felt wrapped in the love of all these people and inhaled it deeply, feeling it fill her soul.  Her life as it was now was all the therapy she needed.  She experienced a brief stab of pity for her mother but then the thought of where she could be at this moment, if she’d lived as the old woman wanted instead, came to her.  She instantly shut that off and smiled at Chakotay.  She knew she was right where she was meant to be.  She could almost feel her father smiling down on her.</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>FIVE YEARS LATER.</p><p>Life on Dorvan thrived, the people and the land.  The planet now received generous funding from the United Federation of Planets in the way of apology and compensation, a package in the form of financial aid and equipment, alongside technology and materials.  Acceptance of all this was slow at first but was eventually accepted.  In the end, witnessing that their way of life wasn’t going to be interfered with, intruded upon or altered by outsiders, that acceptance turned to gratitude.  They also had the promise of protection from the Federation should the need ever again arise.  Many were sceptical about that, remembering the past and how they’d been let down before.  Trust was hard won on that issue but eventually the people felt that they needed to put the past behind them if they wanted to move forward.      
As life improved, many previous residents returned and quite a number of ‘new’ inhabitants joined the community, including several members of Chakotay’s extended family who’d come back and also put down roots.</p><p>While Chakotay had been welcomed back with open arms, it had taken a little longer for his wife but within a short time and with her in-laws openly and lovingly welcoming her, she’d quickly fitted into life on the planet and was soon fully accepted.</p><p>Kathryn had indeed put a good portion of her credits into the community, as had her husband.  She worked where she was needed, especially in engineering and scientific areas, using her mind and knowledge to improve life for everyone.  Chakotay did the same but found himself equally in demand as a community leader and elder.</p><p>Within a short time, Chakotay built the promised home for his bride with the help of family and friends in the main settlement close to his sister and her family.  They also renewed their marriage vows in a traditional ceremony in front of their new community and had the wedding day Chakotay had wanted for the woman he loved more than life itself.  Already having their wedding rings which they’d had engraved, Chakotay had presented his wife with an engagement ring he’d designed for her.  Sharing their special day with everyone had bonded them all and five years on their life now included their three-year-old son and one-year-old daughter.</p><p>Several former crew had at first visited, the former Maquis accepted immediately but when people saw the bonds between them all, the ex-Starfleet members were also welcomed, including the Equinox crew who found acceptance and no judgement on the planet as they had on Earth.  The united crew worked and earned their keep while they were there.  Slowly over time, most just didn’t leave.  Many of them even married into the community or to each other and settled well.  Noah and Marla were one of the first couples to marry on the planet.  Tom and B’Elanna split their time between Dorvan and Earth and Admiral Paris and his wife often came to stay, Owen never in uniform.   Alan and Beth McKenzie even visited occasionally.</p><p>For the residents of Dorvan, the strangest visitor was Voyager’s EMH, now declared a person and independent.  He was granted full autonomy and awarded Federation citizenship as well as ownership of his emitter once it had been studied.  He was thereby free to work and go wherever he wanted.  The community was split between fascination and fear but as the Doctor worked helping people, he gradually earned their trust.  He began to blend his knowledge with the homeopathic practises of some of the locals and joined the two seamlessly, merging Dorvan’s ways into his database.  He explained to his former captain how he felt more at home on the planet and had had problems settling on Earth.  He’d tried working at some of the medical centres in San Francisco but found he wasn’t really accepted there and was often regarded with some suspicion.  Living on Dorvan was the best of both worlds for him.  He could publish his papers yet still consult, if needed, on matters Delta Quadrant or relating to the vast knowledge he had.  He could even return to Earth to give the occasional lecture if required.  He also visited Vulcan from time to time to check on his Borg patient, making sure she remained healthy.</p><p>He sat one evening and tried to explain to Kathryn how lonely he’d been on Earth.  He was used to working in a small community, a place where he knew and had relationships with his patients.  On Earth, his patients were strangers to him.  He knew their medical problems but didn’t know them as people and once they were treated, he never saw them again.  He wanted to be with people he still had a relationship with once he’d treated them.  Mainly though he wanted to be with Voyager’s crew.  They were his friends and family and he’d badly missed them.</p><p>For Kathryn, the best visitors were her sister, brother-in-law and their children who were regular guests.  Phoebe adored the style of art she saw the locals produce and married it with her own to paint a large mural in the council buildings during her kids’ summer holidays from school.  She painted another one at the local school while it was closed for the summer, making sure the pupils did most of the work.  She even gave them art lessons.  Not one of them complained about being in school during their break.</p><p>One who never visited was Gretchen Janeway.  Despite knowing she had two additional grandchildren, she’d never seen them nor even inquired about them, not even knowing their names.  She didn’t acknowledge their existence at all.  Phoebe told her sister that their mother had gone with the retirement story to her friends but had embroidered the details with her daughter also doing diplomatic work for Starfleet in the former DM zone.  She said that if their mother’s friends knew differently, they probably never spoke of it.  Keeping their cover stories to perhaps hide their own dirty laundry was Phoebe’s take on it.  She believed all their lives were an illusion, that they more than likely had their own false stories and secrets, that it was always going to be about appearances for them and they would never let the truth get in the way of that.</p><p>^^^^^^^^^^</p><p>Kathryn sat at the end of their garden now, a favourite place of hers.  She took a short time to herself almost every evening here.  From her vantage point she could see their home and the children rolling around with their father on the grass she’d struggled to grow.  She sipped at a mug of coffee, her supply constantly topped up by her many visitors, and smiled happily to herself.</p><p>The previous day they’d seen off Tuvok and T’Pel after a week-long visit along with Harry Kim and his new wife, an ensign with Starfleet who worked onboard the same ship he now captained.  Harry had opted to stay with Starfleet but Tuvok had been content to retire.</p><p>She sighed happily and looked up at the leaves of the tree she sat under.  Her life was perfect.  Phoebe was due back in two weeks for a month.  Kathryn knew their mother was well aware of the visits but apparently it was never spoken of.  She had to take her sister’s word on that.  If she received flak from the old woman over the visits, she never spoke of it.  Tom and B’Elanna, who now had a two-year-old brother for Miral, would be back in four weeks’ time.  They did freelance consultancy work and moved back and forth between Dorvan and Earth every three or four months now, feeling as comfortable in one place as much as the other.  When they were on Dorvan, Owen and Julia visited them there.</p><p>Kathryn let her mind wander back to when Voyager had first returned to Earth and how unhappy she’d been.  She remembered when that had begun to change - the day Chakotay had found her on the beach at Blaskett Cove and taken her to the clinic.  Alan McKenzie had offered to put her in touch with a counsellor friend of his but she’d politely declined, knowing that changing her life and having the love of the man who now shared that life was all she needed.  She smiled and remembered using the term ‘circumstantial depression’.  Since her circumstances had changed, she’d not had one depressive moment, not even post-natal after their children.</p><p>She came back to the present and looked towards the house at the squeals of laughter from their son as Chakotay swung him around.  She put her cup down on the bench she sat on and looked down at her hands.  Phoebe had spoken to her of their mother and about ‘the hand that rocked the cradle being the hand that ruled the world’.  Kathryn laughed to herself.  That had failed in the end for the old woman.  She flexed her fingers and sighed.  Her hands had rocked two cradles now but her children would never know the pressure and unhappiness she and her sister had known.  Phoebe was the same with her two.  The Dawson way had ended with the Janeway sisters.  Their children would grow up to be whatever made them happy.  They would go wherever their dreams took them.  The sisters would teach them that to succeed was good if it made you happy but that there was no shame in what others deemed failure.  You just tried again if it mattered that much to you.  And they would let their children learn from their own mistakes.  They would teach them that love and happiness above all else was what mattered most in life.  The people you loved should always come first.  That was what success really was.</p><p>Picking up her empty cup, Kathryn stood and drew in a deep breath of happiness then made her way up the garden to join her family.</p><p>THE END.</p>
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